ohmarzii

Digital diary of my ups and downs through life.

[ohmarzii]

‘Diversely Indecisive’

Had a dream that died away Too many wishes gone a stray Hard headed believing Thought I was achieving Death of a dream got me bleeding lazy Day on day on day Thought I would diversify All I did was cast aside The me I would have wanted here today

▬  by  OhMarzii

[ohmarzii]

Deciding to Draw Again

I’m back to drawing again after lost time judging my career choice based of my childhood dream of becoming a successful Mangaka. 

I’ve done this before.... During my lost time, or the time I wasted... I look at how old I am, what I’ve lacked in accomplishments to the high GOALS I’ve placed for myself, and how I’m not making enough money. These thoughts turn into more thoughts.                     ‘I need to change careers because I’m not seeing fast enough results’

Then I look at others who are close to my age, around me, graduating from university, starting families, getting their own apartments or houses, traveling, and other stuff. Seeing them makes me feel less of what I’ve done or have. This feeling of worthlessness makes me give up on my dream and  find something else I can escape to. I describe this escape route by many ways, but summed up, it always comes out similarly to,                  ‘Because I’m getting older, I want to start a career I can grow in...” 

I guess this is what others call the Millennial Dilemma of wanting to earn quick satisfaction and recognition.  I’m just one out of many in my generation trying to figure life out. In all honesty, at this very moment, my feeling is that I’m one of those that are not doing so well. There are many of my habits I need to change, but from all of them, COMMITMENT and COMPLETION are the main 2 I need to focus on.  So, I’ve decided to draw again and bring my dream of becoming a successful Mangaka (story teller, sequential artist, webcomic creator) into fruition. That is my commitment. What I need to complete is the two webcomics I started last year in 2017. For myself growth and to bring back to the world and universe, I will finish InSearch and Pick Me

Dear Soul, 

Thank you

[ohmarzii]

Lost or Wasting Time

I’ve been in a really bad funk again.... I keep on pulling myself down, when I’ve pulled myself back up. Have you guys had that happen before? > Working 2 jobs for 7 days a week. 

> 2 webcomic projects on the side

> My gay boy friends always taking me out to party and travel

>Going to the Gym to get my health back and increase my stamina to do everything

Trying to do too much, and crashing with depression that makes me want to do NOTHING at all, and losing 10 months of my life to the bed, junk food, and tons of movies and TV/Netflix series.  ... The thing is, others go through so much more, and rise above all the struggles and challenges. For me.......     Through struggling belief in magick and miracles, I’m standing on the ocean surface, watching, while others drown, or learn to fly... When I feel like I start to levitate, a break in belief has me gasping for breath and life.  

Focus. 

Focus. 

Focus to reach my dream. 

Focus to complete the webcomics I’ve started. 

[shintei-m]

Commission work

[ohmarzii]

This is the art piece I’m super proud of illustrating this month! March (2018)

[ohmarzii]

Drawing again and feeling life again

For the month of March (2018), I’ve been getting back into the groove of drawing. I’m also feeling positive in general after landing the front desk job. I’m trying to keep myself motivated to save so I can move back to Japan. By doing so, I’ve been watching youtube videos about the school I’m interested in applying to, called - Nihon Kogakuin through GoGo Nihon. (I won’t go too much in detail I apply, but that’s something I’ve been doing to motivate myself to go to work, earn money, and save for my goal!) It’s working so far.  I’ve also been editing excel sheets with my finance goal to see how much roughly I need before I can apply that will pay for all the initial cost of tuition, moving, housing, food, other stuff, and extra to sustain myself in Japan. I need to because everything will be on me. My family can’t really support me financially, so I need to do it myself if I want to achieve my goal... It’s going to be hard, but I will do my best. That’s why I’m also looking for another job to get more money a bit faster. The job I have now is great!! It’s super chill! I just sit there doing whatever project I feel like. But, I only work 2 days a week. In a month I only make around maybe $800. Through fiddling with numbers on excel, it would take me a long time till I can move back to Japan, so I’m in search of another job I can work on the weekdays. Part-time or Full-time.... My worry and fear is that from previous decisions I’ve made, I would tend to do too much than I can handle. Then get burned out and quite everything, and I become a hermit for months. I want to stop that! But, I really want to make more money to apply to Nihon Kogakuin and move back to Japan... I’ve mentioned that so many times now! Hahaha  =w=)/ On another note, I’ve also been getting back into drawing. My inner wound... My childhood dream was torn to shreds when I was living in Japan back in 2014-2015. I’m healing now, and feel much better. My friend showed me a video about two woman talking about their careers. One of the woman was inspired by the other in her time of loss in her career path. She saw the woman doing her job on TV and said she wanted to do what the other woman was doing. Now, sitting across from the woman she was inspired, she told her that she did good because she didn’t settle for less. The main phrase is “SHE DIDN’T SETTLE FOR LESS”.

That hit my heart strings, I’m going to do my best to fulfill my childhood dream! At work this past weekend, I was trying to make up phrases in Japanese. What I thought up; 夢があれば，それうぉして、がまんをして、やめないで。。。

To me, it means that, “if I have a dream, do it, overcome the difficulties, and don’t give up.” On deviantart , I’ve been doing art trades, and I also opened up commissions!  I’ll post the image of the illustration I’m proud of creating this month~ You can also check out my art blog~

[ohmarzii]

Spud first boo-boo! (˃̩̩̥ɷ˂̩̩̥)

My sister and  were cutting or puppers nails because they were getting long. When he was a baby he would be okay with it, but now he gets freaked out and it takes a team to cut his nails. 

Spud was super protective with his front paws, so we moved to trip his back paws. I told my sister that I usually cut his back paws and I leave his front paws uncut, but she cut too far and it was just........ !!!!!!!!!  BLOOOOOOD

I was playing with Spud and feeding him to calm him from the nail cutting, but when my sister said that she cut to deep and I saw the blood I started freaking out. I quickly took Spud into my arms and was frantically telling my sister to, “get neosporin!”, she was like, “where? there’s none!”, 

Me: “Go get petroleum jelly” Sis: “Where?” Me: “Go ask MOMA (our mom)!” She runs off to get some while I’m still freaking out, hugging Spud and kissing him. My sister comes back empty handed and plops next to Spud and me saying that she’s sorry, sorry, sorry and gets some napkins to clean the blood that’s just gushing out of Spuds pinky nail. I’m like speaking in a load voice trying to ask/demand her, “where is the petroleum jelly? Ahhhhh!!!”  Sis: “I couldn't find any!” Me: “nuuuuuuu! ...(thinking)..nuuuu... Where is his snacks? Give me his snacks behind you!!” Sis: “where?? (searches behind her) Here! (hands bag of snacks to me)” Me: (opens bag) Here Spud Babeee! Eat! Eat and forget your pain~ Sis: Does he even feel pain? Me: I don’t know, he looks fine Spud looked fine while my sister is cleaning the blood from his wound and I’m just like stuffing him with his snacks in hopes he doesn’t know what’s going on.  My sister and I started laughing at the situation, so hard, to the point of it was hard to breath.  Our mom comes in with petroleum jelly, and my sister put some one him, but it’s just not working, so we FINALLY look up on the internet what to do. It’s either we had to go to Petco to buy something to stop the bleeding or find something in the kitchen as a substitute for the moment. My sister goes to the kitchen and brings back a cup of corn starch and starts packing the bleeding nail with it to make it stop. It started to stop, but we hear our aunties footsteps coming back from who knows where, and I tell her to start packing the nail more to make it stop or else our auntie will get even more freaked out.  She comes into the room and my sister is like, “auntie, Spud has a boo-boo!!!!” She egnores us, and my sister says it again, and I say, “auntie, Spud is bleeding!!” She thinks we’re just messing with her, till she looks at the blood and starts looking for the first aid-kit. She pulls out some stuff to clean it and gauze to wrap his wound up. I was just laughing through out the process because #1- The wrapping kept on coming off #2- Laughing is how I cope with difficult and/or serious situations. My go to coping method basically.  In the end our aunt goes to Petco to get the proper stuff and now Spud is sleeping from all the hecticness from earlier.  Phew.... sigh... phew... Damn, today was a learning experience.  end of entry #7

[ohmarzii]

I figured out something to do since I have so much extra time at work. Studying Japanese!!! When I went to a Japanese Language School in Japan my teachers said that I need to build up my vocabulary, so that’s what I’m going to do now...(after 2 years of that advice given) My strength is verbal communication. My Weakness is literacy, even in English.  Without spell-check there would be so much strange words that you would have thought I made up, but it’s just me, not being able to spell ‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚ My goal is to remember all the words in this 3 part book series on Japanese vocabulary. This one covers JLPT N4-N5 vocab, and it has a lot that I would hear when I was living in Japan, so I find this text book series really helpful d=(´▽｀)=b The end goal is to pass the JLPT N5 on Dec. 2018 end of entry #6

[ohmarzii]

First Day @ Work

Saturday 3/17/18

I was seriously beating the clock to get to work. I thought leaving the house to catch the bus 30mins before work started would be fine. I was wrong. The buses I needed were coming in late. Lesson learnt Need to leave 50-60mins before my shift to get there on time. I was only 1min late, but the graveyard shift guy who was to relieve me got there almost 30mins late. My shift ends 12-midnight, so I wanted to go home already. (I really need a car, scooter, or motorcycle…)

So, going back to getting to work… I get there, and I meet the morning shift. He was kind to give me some pointers and his cell phone #, which really came in handy later because I only got a quick run down with my training. Morning shift told me that he went through the same thing with just hitting the floor running with a limited handful of training. I made little mistakes that got fixed later, so happy, but stressing at the time. I’ve got the mistake experience and need to learn from it to become better in this front desk position because it’s a really nice and simple job. (for now…) What I did my first day was make sure I go through the building to do my rounds, and check each floor to make sure everything is in order. I also closed the laundry room around 9pm, and I signed guest in-and-out. There was a resident I helped open his unit because he locked himself out, and another I turned the router on-and-off to get the wifi working.

The building is also a multi-use building and what was nice and sometimes got on my nerves where the people going to the restaurants that share the same space. The staff that worked there were wonderful and kind, but some of the customer after they’ve had a little too much to drink where not as pleasant. Most of them were very sweet, but most of the ones that got on my nerves where the drunk male customers.

I just limited my words, and ignored it – shook it off, because, hey, they were drunk. Yes, they still shouldn’t be rude to others and not use their intoxication as an excuse, but I’ve been there too. On a brighter, I believe more positive note, through this new type of job, people interactions, and overall experiences will help me grow as a “Steel Magnolia”. (Definition; A woman who exemplifies both traditional femininity as well as an uncommon fortitude.)

Stay positive and strong gorgeous souls!!

end of entry #5

[ohmarzii]

Night Out

Yesterday, I hung out with two friends from middle school.

Since California legalized marijuana I thought I would try some... (I'm such a goodie two shoes sometimes, ... sometimes...) So, my friend was going to treat me out. She ended up getting off late from work and we ended up not going to the dispensary. What did end up happening was, we went out to the clubs in the Castro with the other middle school friend.

A day before I messaged the one friend because last time the three of us hung out, I ate some of her cousins weed brownies. I didn't know at the time I took a huge bite that ended with a 3 day high. When I got home I went through a bad trip and thought I was having a heart attack. Thankfully my family calmed me down. The next day I was feeling so relaxed and calm, unlike usual days I've had before than when I would have body pains, thoughts of depression, and lethargy. When the high died down I wanted to try some more. 

She did end up having more brownies the 2nd time we all hung out again, and I had some before we went out clubbing. 

A review I found my body having was that after eating the edible, my heart would start beating really fast. Which, I didn't like at all. I do like what comes after the rapid heart beating when I would feel calm and relaxed. I might/might not explore more of the green leaves, but I might... lol

So, back to talk a little bit about the clubs - In as short a summary as I can, we were wasted, but I played mama (like usual) and tried to take care of peeps. I was zoning in and out for a little bit till I felt someone trying to pick pocket me. As fast as I could I grabbed the pick pockets hand and he/she quickly recoiled. I looked at them and they tried to act stupid, trying to cover their bad actions. From there another guy was rudely pushing peoples heads away with his arm and hands. I pushed him away and he tried to lash out at me, but my friend lashed back at him and I gave him the hand and the silent treatment. He was trying to make a scene, but I ignored him, shook it off and enjoyed the night with my friends.  

I was hungry at the end off the night, and we wanted mcdonalds, the one with the car was too out off it, and we just went home. 

I next day I start my first official shift at work. 

end of entry #4

[ohmarzii]

Job Training

Yesterday, I started my training for my desk job. I had to go back and forth to 3 different locations. Thank fully they were all close by (all in the city). First impressions; the people I trained with were very different in personalities, but very kind in their own ways. One of them is retiring, but his schedule is the morning shift. I’m looking to get a full-time graveyard position. I am worried about the residents though. I hope I do well. I just need to remind myself that it’s a new job, and it’s okay to make mistakes. And if any learn from them, but do my best to not make any, so they can offer my full-time graveyard position. (goal) It was raining on and off the whole day too, and I forgot my umbrella at one of the locations. When I got home it started raining even harder, thankfully I missed the big shower. I start my first shift this Saturday - thinking positive, but a little nervous.

end of entry #3

[ohmarzii]

Call Back

Got the call back from the job. I basically start tomorrow for training. I’m part-time at one location, working the weekends, but I’m also put on-call at two other locations.  Nothing much today - drawing, watching movies, trying to be positively productive.  Still kinda torn with future aspirations. I’m watching “The Bucket List” right now, and going to do just that. I’m going to write a bucket list on another post. 

end of entry #2

[ohmarzii]

Searching for a job

I’ve had many jobs in my life, but only a few I’ve really felt at home in. Meaning I stayed their for X-amount of years. The longest I’ve ever worked for a place was 6 years till I moved to Japan to try and fulfill my #1 childhood dream. Which is another story of parlous struggles of personal growth and understanding. That’s another story, laid to rest in my uneasy mind, for another time. 

Now back in the United States, at this very moment, I am waiting for a return reply of my background check for a reception/front desk position. It’ll only be part time, but having a desk job, I hope to regain my footing in life to set it back into course. I have too many back and forts with myself in regards to my career, but I do know I want to go back to Japan.  With plans to go back to school towards a bachelors degree, which will most likely take me 4~5 years to accomplish, I hope the front desk position will allow me a fairly easy job that will allow me to focus my energy to attain a BA/BS and move back to Japan with more open doors to career options by holding a BA?BS. And, with the money I earn from the job, I want to save as much as I can to start my life in Japan - my savings will go to a 2 year program in a Japanese Language school, a car, and a large enough apartment, and anything else I need in Japan to start with End of entry #1.