How I Got My Power Back By Loving Myself
Hi my name is Morgan M., thank you so much for taking the time to hear part of my Mental Health Journey. This is difficult for me to talk about so please be kind and laugh at my jokes (well… normally I laugh a lot but I’m not sure where this will go, we’ll see)! My story starts during one of my first memories as a child. My mother came home from a very bad accident. From popping her occasional pill, losing her mind to slitting her wrist in front of me and my twin sister, looking at me saying “this is what you do to me.” That stuck with me because of the shame and guilt I had already been very familiar with. Shortly thereafter I overheard my mother talking about wanting to kill herself to a childhood friend’s mother.
Of course I felt to blame, nightly panic attacks aren’t the easiest to deal with. My mother decided to find Doctors to prescribe me medication at a very young age. Topamax, Risperdal, Adderall, Xanax, Wellbutrin (’m sure I’m missing a few).This medication adventure started when I was 6. Even though I was an unstable nuisance to my mother, she loved me. I know with her issues she was not fit to handle a child with my needs and I have forgiven her for that. I remember gaining a ton of weight that 8th grade year and pretending to take Risperdal. I came to find out she was putting it in my food. In her defense I would stay up for days but still there should have been other options explored first.
For the sake of keeping this short and sweet we will skip high school (when I lost all the weight) and go to college and my mother was not doing well. I used to check up on her everyday on my way to class and she was heavy on dope that day, my ex at the time said he knew, and came to find out he was selling it to her. That relationship obviously didn’t last but all the betrayal was taking its toll. The mental, physical and emotional abuse made me feel not only misunderstood and alone but ashamed and worthless. A constant burden whom my family would be better off without.
I think back now and say to myself, wow you poor little girl, I wish you knew how unique you are and cannot wait until you love yourself.
I was tired of being tired, and I do know the feeling of being happy and all I wanted was to have that feeling more times than not (but it is DEF OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY) We just want more good days than bad. Once I realized the source of my depression it I knew I had to ditch those habits (I know easier said than done) but if nothing else be consistent in even the smallest things! Stop relying on the expectations of others, focus on your good qualities, go to therapy/support groups to talk to a Professional and like-minded people without judgment.
Once I realized I was ignoring parts of myself I needed to care for and stopped living by the expectations of others I felt free to start loving myself. I only surround myself with positive people who I know care about me. I am at a point in my life where I can say that I haven’t sunk into a major depression for the largest stretch of time since I was in my late teens/early 20s. I feel powerful, like I can do anything. This coming from someone who years ago was hanging on by a thread, living day-to-day in misery, living my nights wondering how I will feel tomorrow makes me confident anyone can live a functional happy life with Mental Health issues.
Those of us who struggle with Mental Health know the feeling of guilt and shame all too well. Those out there who judge are weak and ignorant with no respect or class. They are the people who should be ashamed, not us.
What helps me stay consistent, stable, worth-it, happy, but remember it’s OKAY not to be OKAY it doesn’t mean you fell off it means you fell, everybody does!
Medications (in some cases)
Forgiving those who have hurt you
Know your strength, a lot of people could not live with Mental Health problems
KNOW YOU ARE WORTHY - Share your hardships, inspire others… you are worth more than you know
Stay Away From People Who Make You Feel Anything But Joy
Thanks again for taking the time to read this!