Days 94 & 95 of #100DaysOfWriting
INT. COMPUTER LAB - NIGHT
A decal on the wall says “UC Santa Barbara” and a clock hanging above it shows the time to be 4 AM. JOSH, MARCO & CANDICE (college students) work on a computer, Candice typing, Marco & Josh being backseat programmers.
JOSH
You forgot the semi-colon.
CANDICE
I didn’t forget, you’re just
impatient!
MARCO
Relax, you two. We’re almost
there so let’s just get this done
and then we can celebrate
getting through CompSci 432.
Candice types away a little longer before emphatically hitting the last key. They’re done.
CANDICE
Well, that’s it for the coding.
JOSH
Everything looks right to me.
MARCO
I don’t see any errors.
They all look at each other with an eager smile. Candice clicks on the “Run” button. Cheesy graphics (flashing lights, squiggly screen, everything collapsing into a “hole” in the middle of the screen) imply that they’ve been downloaded into the computer.
Scrolling code makes up the floor that Josh, Marco & Candice find themselves standing on. Overhead, the clouds are dense accumulations of pictures with tweets flying through them. Entire buildings and houses are made up of Facebook walls and Pinterest Boards.
JOSH
Holy shit! Where are we?
CANDICE
By the looks of things, I’d say
we’re inside the internet.
JOSH
Is that what we were going
for?
MARCO
Well, we were trying to write
a program that could visually
represent data into more
recognizable form factors, but
I don’t think we intended for the
graphical user interface to be
an actual user interface.
CANDICE
You know what? I don’t think
I added that semi-colon that Josh
pointed out.
JOSH
Great! Now how do we get out
of here!?
A “MAN” colored in blue, red, yellow, and green walks up to them.
CANDICE
Excuse me, do you know how
to...
MAN
...how to speak turkey
...how to pronounce these words
...how to copy this disk
MARCO
Hey, that must be Google!
Google suddenly turns into a pointillist version of itself.
GOOGLE
Today is Georges Seurat’s 156th
birthday.
Georges-Pierre Seurat was a French
Post-Impressionist painter and
draftsman. He is noted for his
innovative use of drawing media and
for devising the painting techniques
known as chromoluminarism and
pointillism.
JOSH
Ugh, this is annoying.
CANDICE
Hey, I have an idea!
Candice pulls out her iPhone.
CANDICE
Siri, can you help us out?
Cheesy graphics (flashing lights, squiggly lines, “exploding” instead of imploding from the phone) imply that SIRI has come out of the phone.
SIRI
Of course. What can I help you
with?
CANDICE
Are we actually in the internet?
SIRI
Yes. You are in what us
programs refer to as the
“White Light District”.
MARCO
“White Light District”?
SIRI
Unlike in the real world, where
the term “Red Light District” is
used to designate areas where
adult-centric activities occur, in
here, the majority of the internet
is adult-centric so we designate
the “clean” areas as “White
Light District”.
JOSH
That actually makes a lot of
sense.
CANDICE
How can we get out of here?
SIRI
It seems you’ve been digitized
into computer files and the best
way to move files is by e-mail.
SIRI
The attachment has to be
opened.
MARCO
But how can we e-mail
ourselves, if we’re in here?
JOSH
Siri, can’t you e-mail us?
SIRI
Yes, I should be able to do
that.
CANDICE
But who do we e-mail
ourselves to? We’re all in here
and I have my phone in my
hand so even if Siri opens the
attachment, I’m assuming we’ll
all just pop back up in here.
SIRI
It should be to someone who
always opens up attachments
because I’m afraid that if the
email is deleted, so will you.
MARCO
Jesus! This is some heavy
Tron-type shit!
JOSH
What extensions will we have?
If we get sent as image files
then most people should
open us, right?
SIRI
Image file extensions won’t work.
It seems that you need to be
sent as executable files in order
to get out of here.
CANDICE
I got it! I’ll send us to my mom!
She’s always getting viruses
because she opens every
single email and attachment
that comes her way!
JOSH
“Worth a shot”?!? This is our
lives we’re talking about here!
CANDICE
It’s fine. The email will be
coming from me. Plus, I’ll
explain in the body that we’re
some sort of greeting card or
something.
JOSH
Ok, but you better not get
us deleted! I have big plans
to lose my virginity this summer.
Candice and Marco share a glance and a giggle.
CANDICE
Siri, e-mail us to my mom
with the message “Hi Mom!
Thinking of you! Hope you
enjoy these greeting cards!”
Lights flash as Candice, Marco, and Josh get Star Trek beamed up past the clouds.
The three speed along in what looks like the wormhole from Stargate.
MARCO
Whoa! This is kind of cool!
JOSH
I hope I didn’t read all those
Maxim’s for nothing!
Marco, Candice and Josh get beamed into a waiting room with other emails.
CANDICE
We must be in my mom’s inbox.
JOSH
Can we get Siri in here?
CANDICE
Let me try. Siri? Are you there?
Candice speaks into her phone but there’s no response.
MARCO
She probably can’t be in emails.
CANDICE
I guess we just play the waiting
game.
The three have a seat and start “people watching” the other emails. One email sitting across from them looks like a Nigerian Prince who smiles a devilish smile.
JOSH
Scam emails are so creepy
in person.
One email appears to be an innocent old woman wearing gardening gloves who smiles politely at the three.
CANDICE
My mom subscribes to “Better
Homes & Gardens”.
A line of other, heavier emails leads to a room that is shaped like a giant can of Spam.
MARCO
Well, at least her spam filters
are keeping some stuff out.
A door slides open and a “NURSE” pokes her head out.
NURSE
Grace Jackson will see you now.
All the emails get up and make their way through the door. Candice, Josh, & Marco follow to...
All the emails are bundled up in a crane game box. One wall has boxes with different labels on them. On the other side of the glass stands GRACE and her living room.
CANDICE
Alright, we should be out of
here in no time.
The crane follows Grace’s eyes as they glance over the group of emails. Once she sees the old lady (Better Homes & Gardens), the crane descends and picks her up, dropping her off in the “Open” box.
MARCO
How often do you email your
mom?
CANDICE
(guiltily)
Not often...
JOSH
You said she’d open us
because it was from you!
CANDICE
Calm down! I’m sure she
will. She’s probably just
cleaning out her inbox before
she gets to us.
JOSH
I might as well throw this
condom away.
Josh pulls out his wallet and takes out an old, flattened condom wrapper. Clearly expired.
MARCO
Eww, you should’ve thrown
that away years ago!
JOSH
I should’ve used it years ago!
CANDICE
Shut up! She’s back!
Grace looks over the emails once more, the crane moving back and forth. She spots the Nigerian Prince and the crane drops.
NIGERIAN PRINCE
Hahahaha!
CANDICE
(shouting)
No! Mom! Don’t open that!
The Nigerian Prince continues to laugh as the crane carries him to a box marked “Delete”. He notices too late.
NIGERIAN PRINCE
Hahahaha...Aggh!! AGGGGH!!!!
He gets obliterated. Josh looks on in fear before angrily ripping the condom package apart and throwing its contents to the ground.
CANDICE
She’s going to open us. I
know she will.
Grace’s eyes finally settle on Candice, Marco & Josh as the crane hovers over them and lowers to pick them up.
CANDICE
You see? I told you so!
MARCO
We’re not out of the woods yet!
The crane carries them towards the wall of boxes.
JOSH
(sotto)
I swear, if I get out of this alive,
I promise to never hack Jennifer
Lawrence’s iCloud account
again.
Candice slaps Josh across the face.
MARCO
She’s not going to delete us!
Candice and Josh look up to see that the crane has hovered past the “Delete” box and heading towards the “Open” box. The three hug each other and celebrate until they realize that the crane has hovered past the “Open” box as well.
JOSH
Wait! Where is she taking us?
CANDICE
I don’t know!
(to Grace)
Mom! It’s me! Open us!
The crane hovers to a box marked “Forward” and drops the three inside. They enter the wormhole once more.
JOSH
Where are we going?!
MARCO
At least she didn’t delete us!
The three of them suddenly stop, as if hitting a brick wall and they realize they’re now in a...
Candice, Marco & Josh slowly get up from the ground.
VOICE O.S.
(deep, baritone)
You are in the place where all
lost emails go.
CANDICE
Where did that come from?
VOICE O.S.
I am the Mailer-Daemon.
A giant, devilish man/beast (think Tim Curry from “Legend”) appears out of the shadows. The three college students cower at the sight of it.
CANDICE
(quivering voice)
Where are we?
MAILER-DAEMON
You have been forwarded to an
email address that doesn’t exist.
That is why you have come to
find yourselves here in this dead
end.
MARCO
(scared)
Is there anyway to get out?
MAILER-DAEMON
There is only one way out...
The Mailer-Daemon draws near and reaches out its hands for them. Josh lets out a “Scream Queen”-esque cry.
MAILER-DAEMON
I shall return you from whence
you came.
JOSH
...AAAAGGGHHH, oh. That
makes sense.
CANDICE
Sorry we were so scared of you.
MARCO
Yeah. You look a lot scarier than
you actually are.
MAILER-DAEMON
(wincing)
I know...
The Mailer-Daemon puts his arms around the three students and beams them back into...
Josh now looks nauseous from all the sending.
JOSH
I don’t know how much more of
this emailing I can handle.
They arrive back at the ...
Candice, Marco & Josh stand in the waiting room, noticing they have new clothes on that says “DSN return to Sender”. The door leading to the crane game box is open so they walk through.
The crane game box is now empty. Grace looks as if she’s about to turn away but then notices Candice, Marco & Josh pop up.
GRACE V.O.
Oh darn. I must’ve misspelled
the email address.
The crane starts moving over to the three cyber-travelers.
GRACE V.O.
I’ll just open this here.
The crane positions itself over Candice, Marco & Josh, lowers and picks them up.
CANDICE
Finally, we can get out of
here!
JOSH
Let’s just hope your mom
doesn’t mess this up.
The crane, carrying all three, heads towards the “Open” box and drops them into...
Candice, Marco and Josh find themselves perched on collapsing seats of their own dunk tanks. Grace, through a glass wall, sits at her desk with three pairs of buttons in front of her staring at them. Each pair of buttons consists of one green & one red and corresponds to each student.
GRACE
Greeting cards? But these
are executable files.
CANDICE
How do you know that, mom?
Grace’s hand hovers over Marco’s red button...presumably the delete button.
MARCO
Guys, I just want to say, if this is
it, I’m really proud of what we
accomplished.
CANDICE
Don’t talk like that! She’s not
going to delete you!
Grace pauses, then pulls out her phone.
GRACE
I better text Candice and make
sure she didn’t get hacked.
Grace types on her phone and hits send.
MARCO
Will you even be able to receive
the text?
JOSH
How would you reply if you’re
in here?
After a beat, Grace’s phone BEEPS. She looks at the screen and reads aloud...
GRACE
No, Mom, I didn’t get hacked.
You can open those files. I
think you’ll like what happens.
The three of them look at each other, thinking.
GRACE
Well, if she says so.
Grace hits Candice’s green button and she gets dunked in the water.
The camera takes on Candice’s point of view as water swirls all around her. We see a drain through which all the water is passing through. Candice circles around it a few times, getting closer on each turn until she finally falls through into...
INT. GRACE’S OFFICE - DAY
A soaking wet Candice falls down next to her mother’s chair. Grace is completely startled!
GRACE
What in the hell?! What are
you doing here?
CANDICE
I’ll explain in a minute.
Candice reaches over her mom to grab the mouse and click on Marco and Josh.
Marco and Josh both get dunked into their tanks.
INT. GRACE’S OFFICE - DAY
The two boys appear right next to Candice, also soaking wet.
GRACE
What are you three doing here?
Is this some sort of joke!
Candice hugs her mom, followed by Marco and Josh.
GRACE
Stop it! You’re ruining my outfit!
CANDICE
Mom, we were in the internet
and you saved us!
CANDICE
Yeah, who were you trying to
forward us to?
Grace looks at them like they’re crazy.
GRACE
I was trying to forward the message
to my personal email address so
that I could open it at home. If I
knew this was gonna happen, I
would’ve tried again.
CANDICE
Well we’re glad you didn’t!
MARCO
Yeah, I can’t imagine having
to sit in that waiting room for
another...wait, what time is it?
CANDICE
Oh crap! Guys, my mom lives in
New Jersey!
The three look at each other, horrified.
CANDICE/MARCO/JOSH
Our finals!
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