I take direct exception to the cultural meme, “You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself.” Like, nope, sorry, I learned how to love myself after long practice in the art of loving other people, and letting other people love me. It was the last thing that connected. Every time I hear the cultural meme about self-love, I remember that it’s an opinion, not a truth. Standing opposite it is a line I take from the Prayer of St Francis: “It is in giving that we receive.” Because even if you can’t love yourself, in loving other people you become so steeped in love and accustomed to the ways of gentleness and compassion that it is a little less impossible to do it to yourself. The deepest root of self-love for me is my intense love for other people, and the knowledge that profound love does not admit exceptions, does not believe that anyone is unworthy, so if I love them I cannot exclude myself.
The only problem with loving other people when you hate yourself is logistical. We need love, like we need food or water; and much as the body, when deprived of food, will begin to eat itself, the heart will twist its own functions to produce enough love to get by. I know people with self-hatred so profound their methods of generating self-esteem are like eating your own arm to stay alive: “I am the worstperson ever. I don’t even sully myself with the illusion that I might be worthwhile or try to fool other people into thinking I’m a real human being; I will be diligent in my self-punishment, complete in my isolation, and then know I have done well.” Which, the Worst Person In the World award comes with a really crappy prize package and pity parties have crappy food, so once you eat the tiny bit of love you get you’re even less likely to get some in the future unless you’re willing to switch tactics.
But it is possible to hold onto the quiet whisper inside of you that tells you who you really are and compels you to preserve yourself, and let that fill you up. It’s the seed of self-love within you.
As to whether someone else will love you the way you want–well, upfront there are no promises. But. If you look for people like you, you will see that many of them have found people who love them deeply. People who will love all of you are out there, and if you’re willing to risk disappointment, you can find them.
-A thing I wrote once in a blog comment
