Marisa. 24 years old. Jersey girl. Maternity nurse. I like country music, yoga, hiking, camping, pretty dresses, body modification, babies, and weddings.
Those who showed genuine interest in their partner's joys were more likely to be together.
âThroughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls âbids.â For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, âLook at that beautiful bird outside!â Heâs not just commenting on the bird here: heâs requesting a response from his wifeâa sign of interest or supportâhoping theyâll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either âturning towardâ or âturning awayâ from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didnâtâthose who turned awayâwould not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, âStop interrupting me, Iâm reading.â
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had âturn-toward bidsâ 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had âturn-toward bidsâ 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partnerâs emotional needs.â
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âKindness⊠glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validatedâfeel loved. âMy bounty is as boundless as the sea,â says Shakespeareâs Juliet. âMy love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.â Thatâs how kindness works too: thereâs a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you donât. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
âIf your partner expresses a need,â explained Julie Gottman, âand you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.â
Almost all of these are about variety. Humans need stimulation! We need enrichment! We literally cannot do the same thing every day!
The other day I was feeling miserable, so I hopped on a bus and rode it all the way back to where Iâd started, and my brain, which had finally had some proper stimulation via new environments, was suddenly ready to go again!
This is why taking walks/drives and trying new hobbies are good for you! Donât turn yourself into a sad zoo animal! You need some pumpkins to roll around in your enclosure!
I have really been struggling over the last few months especially with increases generalized anxiety and bad depressive episodes. I think a lot of it is secondary to night shift work and the lack of sleep. I haven't been sleeping better with Ambien at all, so this was kind of the next step for me. I feel like this is a step in the right direction.
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