One Mess Masquerading as a Writer

and a bad one at that

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Close to finishing a story. Haven’t done that in a while, not with anything original. And everything I do for it is coming out awful. I don’t know that I can actually finish it.

Scared out of my mind to do it, so what do I do?

Window flip, play dumb games, refresh pages and find nothing new...

Oh, and panic. Did I mention panic?

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

It is so not normal to be afraid to sleep. I mean, I don’t dream often, so where is this fear even coming from?

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Maybe tomorrow (today) I will know how to fix this part of the story.

Or I will accept that I can’t finish things? That seems possible, too.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Looked at my story again.

This wrap up chapter is awful. I have to throw it out.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

That awkward moment when someone comes up and asks you what you’re writing.

And you have no idea how to explain any of it.

(I said “It’s a story. A silly one.” and I closed down computer.)

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

My story is close to done.

This must mean I must go ruin it somehow, right?

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Got another “hope you’re okay” comment on the fanfic.

Feel guilty. Don’t know how to respond though. I’m not really okay, but I also don’t have a good reason to to update, not really.

My inspiration left me, the queen of the fandom seems to hate me, and I’m not sure how to go back. I feel horrible for not finishing them. I just don’t know how to do it.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Me: You’re not even writing right now. You’re not doing anything useful. Just admit you’re tired and go to sleep.

Also Me: No. (We don’t believe in sleep.)

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Maybe I need fluffy prompts? I seem to collect the angsty ones, but if I had fluff and wrote something for them bonding, talking over everything and falling asleep under the stars... I just don’t know what I’m doing right now.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Current Mood:

Pulled in too many directions for one fic, completely intimidated by the other, and that’s the original stuff.

The fanfic I should update? I’ve got nothing.

I want to curl up in my bed and hide.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Having Trouble Deciding on a Lyric to Use as a Prompt

So I picked Song to Seagull, right?  Folk music works well enough for historical fiction. Um, in theory. I do find there’s lots of things in Joni Mitchell’s lyrics that are inspiring or at least have a strong resonance or meaning that gets to me.

Anyway, I’ve got this problem as there’s a lot of good lyrics in the first song, “I Had a King,” that I could use for a basis for something. I could just use the title.

I can't go back there anymore You know my keys won't fit the door You know my thoughts don't fit the man They never can they never can

Or I could do this:

I had a king dressed in drip-dry and paisley Lately he's taken to saying I'm crazy and blind He lives in another time Ladies in gingham still blush While he sings them of wars and wine But I in my leather and lace I can never become that kind

Or even: 

I had a king in a salt-rusted carriage Who carried me off to his country for marriage too soon Beware of the power of moons There's no one to blame No there's no one to name as a traitor here The king's on the road And the queen's in the grove till the end of the year

Or break down some smaller part of things, too. I’m way too indecisive. I leaned toward the part about there being no traitor here because Tarron’s got a complicated relationship between him and his clan and his kingdom and the king that rules but shouldn’t and it’s a fitting but there’s so much I could do and I don’t even know where to start.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Tempted to make a temporary cover for my medieval story. And yet... not sure there’s a good reason to... am I even going to finish it?

I don’t know. I’m a mess again.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

I Think I Found My Album

Okay, I didn’t lose it, but I wasn’t sure I’d find a modern album with songs I could use for Amenstra and Tarron as it’s a medieval flavored sci fi light fantasy world.

I found one, though, I think. The lyrics will work if nothing else. 

I’ll be using Joni Mitchell’s Song to a Seagull.

It’s kind of exciting. If it works, I’ll have to try doing one for Jerrick and Ranica, though I know there will be spoilers galore and I have this thing about spoiling my own fics. Hmm.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

I love being too anxious to sleep.

I have been so bad about work and I’m just... a mess.

[thewholekitandkabobble]

Sharing this here for others to possibly use. I’m thinking of starting a new one with one of my new (old) records as the basis. I used it for writing but I’m sure it could be for other things, too.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Going to do this. Just need to find the right album that suits my medieval story, probably.

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

Maybe if I test deleted one fic?

Maybe that would be enough?

No. Not enough. All of it should go...

[onemessmasqueradingasawriter]

How do I tell people I can never update again because every time I go near the fandom the hate for people like me and the stuff I write makes me wish I had never discovered the fandom in the first place?