Standing on the edge of emeralds and flame.

Tales from the life of an orchid assassin and the ultimate January Girl.

[4thtrimesterbodiesproject-deact]

Erica Padilla (36), Nathaniel Maddox (11), Ezra Harrison (9 months,) and 8 weeks pregnant with Gabriel Jude.⠀ Charlotte, NC | Photographed in Richmond, VA⠀ Erica shares -⠀ ⠀ “I experienced two miscarriages in December 2014 and July 2015. They were two of the hardest experiences I have ever been through. My first was when my husband and I had only been married exactly twenty days. It brought us closer together rather than apart but the first six months of our marriage were really marked with a lot of heartache and sadness. It made me feel as though somehow my body was broken and I was not able to have more children. It didn’t help that I didn’t feel as though I was medically supported by my team at the time. No one could figure out why I was miscarrying and that made it even worse. I desperately wanted to tell me it was somehow my fault, so at least I knew what I could fix or do to stop it from happening again.⠀ ⠀ I am someone who has struggled with disordered eating my whole life and both pregnancy and being a mother has really gone a long way to helping me on my journey to healing. When I am pregnant I want to fuel my body the best I can so I am also keeping my child healthy. I want to be an example to my sons that even when times are hard and tough, you can still pull through and do the best your can to love yourself. ⠀ ⠀ Breastfeeding my second son has been something that has been incredibly cathartic for me. It didn’t work out with my oldest. I was much younger and I didn’t have the support system I have now. I really wanted a solid breastfeeding relationship and I worked hard to get it. We have been going for nine months strong now and I fully plan to tandem feed with Ezra and Gabe. ⠀ ⠀ I feel as though this is a celebration to how I have come full circle. I am now approaching my later 30’s and I feel stronger and more beautiful than I ever have. It has taken me so long to realize that a thin body isn’t what is going to bring me peace, or stability, or control. It was really important to me to capture this moment in time so I can show my sons one day that you can persevere and prevail, especially as I am navigating raising Black men in the current climate.”

[orchidassassin]

I haven’t been on here yet again in forever. Here is something cool myself and my kiddos did. ❤️

[orchidassassin]

Cheers to three years. 💜

[orchidassassin]

It’s still five days until our wedding anniversary but I was just looking at our wedding photos and getting in my (good) feels.

[inritum]

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

[ghostdog07]

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.

THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.

The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.

AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.

THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.

[deathklaue]

YOOOOOOO

I SAW THIS ON MY DASH THE OTHER DAY AND THOUGHT “ITS WORTH A TRY” SO I WISHED I COULD GET A 3DS

LITERALLY LIKE 4 DAYS LATER MY DAD SENT ME A PICTURE OF THE 3DS XL HE BOUGHT FOR ME WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL

IM STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS

[doryishness]

holy fuck, I didn’t expect this to work, I was like psh, whatever it’s just a quick reblog, but I wished my Dad would actually respond back to me AND HE FUCKING DID A FEW DAYS LATER, I GOT A FUCKING TEXT FROM MY DAD TODAY WHO HASN’T SPOKEN OR RESPONDED TO ME IN MONTHS HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS MAGIC IT WORKS. 

[victoriaringsinyourears]

I WANTED TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND AND I DIDN’T THINK I’D GET DAYS OFF BUT THIS WEEKEND I’M HEADING UP THERE??? THIS IS CRAZY SHIT 

[lenshade]

SO LIKE I JOKINGLY WISHED FOR MY OWN LEN KAGAMINE AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER I GOT A LEN NENDOROID??? H ELP

[themixedbagofwhat]

WTF OKAY SO THIS SHOT ACTUALLY WORKS BECAUSE WHEN I WISHED, I HAD WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LIKE ME BACK AND GUESS WHAT? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW. WHAT THE HELLLLL?????

[wodkat]

ok I’ve said this before but IM DOING IT AGAIN THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS, MY WISH DID COME TRUE SO I REBLOGED AGAIN AND SAID IT IN THE TAGS BUT THEN I WISHED FOR SMTH ELSE AND IT LITERALLY LITERALLY HAPPENED LIKE A COUPLE DAYS LATER WHAT THE HELL SO NOW IM WRITING THIS HERE FOR YOU BC I DONT BELIEVE IN THIS CRAP BUT STILL IT’S AN AWFULLY BIG COINCIDENCE

[acstiel]

THE BOY I FELL I LOVE WITH LEFT TO TRAVEL THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD AND HAS BEEN GONE NOW FOR 3 MONTHS. WE HAVENT SPOKEN SINCE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL TRAPPED TO ME AND NOT ENJOY HIS TIME SO I WAITED FOR HIM TO CONTACT ME FIRST. I SAW THIS ON A PARTICULARLY LOW DAY WHEN I WAS MISSING HIM SO MUCH I CRIED FROM THE PAIN, GUYS I REALLY LOVE HIM, SO I THOUGHT MEH WHAT THE FUCK, AND WISHED HE WOULD JUST LET ME KNOW HE WAS OKAY.

GUYS.

HE FUCKING CALLED ME 20 MINUTES LATER

20 FUCKNG. MINUTES. LATER.

GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN. AND ITS IN THIS POST.

[juststrokemyglabella]

I wish for someone to leave something in my ask.

[adweeb-deactivated20160228]

OKAY SO I ASKED FOR A HEDGEHOG AND NOW GUESS WHO HAS A PET HEDGEHOG

[mydeadcarcass]

I WISHED FOR SNK MERCH THE FIRST TIME. I GOT A JACKET.

I WISHED FOR MY GIRLFRIEND THE SECOND TIME. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

[openyourthird-eye]

THIS WORKs I WISHED I WAS MOVING TO NORTH CAROLINA AND GUESS WHAT GUYS IM MOVING TO NC IN AUGUST I PROMISE U IM NOT LYING

[ariya-art]

guys ok ur probably thinking that this is all just bs right? WELL I THOUGHT SO TOO BUT I WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD CHAT ME AND HE DID AND IM FREAKING OUT not even kidding i swear on my grampas grave this works

[haihl-blog]

I love this it always works for me yey thank u shooting star :’)

[phoxae]

woah the notes let’s hope my wish comes true

[rannellstan]

pls

[rannellstan]

you guys. this fucking WORKS. as you can see above, i reblogged this like a month ago and wished for a hamilton ticket. and guess what y'all? i’m seeing hamilton in 2 days. ALWAYS TRUST IN WISHES 💫

[desiring-for-dainty]

~*

[butterflycupcake]

*shrugs* it’s worth a try, I guess

[give-me-collarbones]

Fuck it *reblogs*

[thisbodybleedsflowers]

Giving it a try again!

[rozenightfall]

we could really use this

[salty-shenanigans]

Here I go -reblobs-

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

GO FOR IT!

[mintiestmango]

bloop

[melchior-hansen]

damn I hope this works

[writingevanhansen]

AHHHHH

[pocblog]

A look inside Serena Williams’ Fairy-Tale Wedding in New Orleans | November 16, 2017

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #10

This picture was taken yesterday morning, while Erica was at work. She’d just bought the dress the night before, while searching for something special to wear for her birthday. When I saw that dress among the stack that she carried into Forever 21’s dressing room, my face lit up, and I silently prayed to my deity of choice that it would meet her needs. My prayer must have worked, because it was the only dress that she bought from the stack. Setting aside how great she looks in it, I truly feel that the dress reflects her personality, in ways that stretch back to when we first met. One of the many reasons why I first fell in love with Erica was her generally sunny disposition. She was sweet in a way that didn’t feel fake, positive in a way that didn’t feel unrealistic; after years of surrounding myself with toxic people, her presence was a balm to my wounded spirit. Of course, her personality isn’t all sugar and spice, and I got to know other facets of it over time: the not-so-closet goth, the shade queen, the “social justice warrior,” the “ride-or-die” goon. However, none of it changed or negated my initial impression of her. My wife is sweet, but she sets clear boundaries to preserve her sweetness, and woe betide you if you cross them. Her positivity is borne of the resilience that only people who have endured very dark times develop. Thus, it makes sense to me that Erica would choose a cute black dress with lemons on it…and whenever she wears it, I’ll develop a sudden, strong craving for lemonade. I love you, honey. <3 May we both live long enough to celebrate many more birthdays together!

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #9

This picture was taken on June 3rd, hours after Ezra was born. As obvious a choice as it may be, there was no way that I could exclude our best memory of the last year from this series. I could write a hundred posts about how Ezra’s arrival and presence has changed our lives for the better, but I’m keeping the focus on Erica. What I see in this picture is the face of someone who fought a war with anxiety, won, and now basks in the sweet relief of victory.

For those who don’t already know, Ezra is the result of our third attempt to have a biological child together. Our previous attempts ended in miscarriage: the first happened the weekend after Christmas, three weeks after we got married; the second happened the very next year, between Independence Day and Nate’s ninth birthday. I know marriages that have collapsed over less, so I never take for granted the fact that we responded by drawing nearer to each other. When we opened up to our community about our grief, we were able to commiserate with so many other people who faced similar losses, but had never really talked about it before.

After those experiences, deciding to try one more time was courageous enough on its own. Getting through the pregnancy itself was, in some ways, a psychological struggle. Even after seeing Ezra’s face through multiple ultrasounds, and receiving nothing but good news about him from our midwives, it was difficult for us not to treat every random ache or errant fluid as a harbinger of tragedy. This struggle was especially acute for Erica, who is vocal about living with anxiety on a daily basis.

However, when I see this picture, I think of every time I’ve seen Erica kick anxiety’s ass, in ways both big and small. Two days ago, she drove herself and Nate to the Belk Theater to watch Leslie Odom, Jr. perform, while I stayed home to watch Ezra. I do most of the driving in the household, and she wasn’t looking forward to going to the congested city center without me. She did it, though, had a great time, and came back home feeling like the boss that she is.

I love you, honey. ❤ Stay tuned for the final installment!

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #8

This picture was taken on October 21st at “BLA/ALT,” a festival created by local musician LeAnna Eden to showcase other local and regional Black alternative musicians. It was a free, all-day, all-ages outdoor event on a Saturday, which made it perfect for Erica and me to attend. It was also Ezra’s first-ever live music experience and, when he was awake, he enjoyed it just as much as we did. (Nate was with his biological father that weekend, but I think he’d have enjoyed it too.) Every band we saw was good and interesting; the attendees were friendly and welcoming; and we truly felt like we were among kindred spirits while we were there.

For those of you who don’t know, Erica and I met through a Facebook group created for Black people who enjoy rock music. However, as our relationship developed, Erica and I realized how little we had in common with the group as a whole, aside from our race and our taste in music. We eventually left the group, and we never looked back. If I could rank the things that hold our relationship together, rock music probably wouldn’t be near the top of the list. Even so, it’s good to be with someone who doesn’t think I’m any less Black for loving Guided by Voices; someone who loans me her clothes so that I can dress up as Jimi Hendrix for Halloween; someone who immediately thinks of me when she gets free tickets to see the Cure.

Hence, being at “BLA/ALT” with Erica and Ezra felt like a “full circle” moment for me. Ezra loves the sound of music: he already mimics me when I tap out rhythms on my knees, and he lights up when Erica sings to him. Regardless of whether Ezra decides to follow in our footsteps, we’ll do our best to ensure that he never feels alone or weird for being himself.

I love you, honey. <3 Stay tuned for the next installment!

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #7

This picture was taken on October 4th, after Nate showed Erica one of the letters that I wrote him before I moved to Charlotte. Until that day, he’d kept the letters to himself, stored away in a shoebox; Erica never asked about them, out of respect for his privacy. I don’t know what prompted Nate to mention them, but I wasn’t bothered by it at all. That letter came from a time when, because of the geographical distance between us, words were all I had, and our lives wouldn’t be where they are now if I hadn’t acted on them. I chose this picture because Erica has taught me, more than anyone else, that words mean things, that they should be used with care and backed up with action. I believe that reading is a great cultivator of empathy, imagination, and critical thinking; that writing is a great way to organize and refine one’s thoughts; and that knowing what words truly mean is crucial to being and recognizing a person of integrity. Erica has probably read more books in the last decade than I’ve read in my whole life. Her poems make me wonder why I haven’t yet made her my own Bernie Taupin. Last but not least, she says what she means, does what she says, and applies the same standard to everyone who is close to her. When my conversation is vague or imprecise, she pushes me to dig deeper until I find the right words; when my deeds don’t match those words, she holds me accountable until they do. When I wrote to Nate, “I promise to love and be nice to your mother for as long as I live,” I meant what I wrote, and I acted accordingly. I’m a better, happier person because of it. I love you, honey. <3 Stay tuned for the next installment!

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #6

This picture was taken on September 24th, after Erica made yet another delicious dinner, this one comprised of lemon pepper pasta with shrimp and grape tomatoes, along with an arugula salad topped with lemon juice, olive oil, and Parmesan cheese. I think that I’ve written about my wife’s cooking in a previous “10 Days” entry, so reiterating this feels like cheating, but she is still, and will always be, the best cook I’ve ever known. However, I’m repeating myself for a reason. This past weekend, I struggled to put on a newer pair of jeans, only to discover that they were suddenly too tight. Upon witnessing my struggle, Erica suggested that I weigh myself. When I did, I realized that I’d gained 15 pounds in the last year. Nothing like that has ever happened to this string bean before! I know that this development partially has to do with me getting older and not being as physically active as I once was. However, I’m also eating more frequently and more healthily than ever. I owe this not only to Erica’s cooking, but also to her frequently reminding me to take breaks from the million other things I’m doing to eat. After noticing the extra pounds, I also noticed that I look and feel better physically than I did a year ago, let alone five years ago. When you have someone like Erica to love and take care of you, it can change you for the better in ways that you don’t even notice until someone else points them out. One of my highest callings is to ensure that my love for Erica has the same effect on her. I love you, honey. ❤️ Stay tuned for the next installment!

[mysharona1987]

[brehaaorgana]

Weird how like poor POC in America don’t organize specifically and solely to terrorize white people, murder, and subjugate or enslave them. Almost like being poor isn’t a moral free pass.

[noirwallflower]

Is Andrew Young’s black ass in the sunken place?  WTF

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #5

This picture was taken on our wedding day, December 6, 2014. I could write post after post about why that day remains one of the best and most significant of my life, with many profound, romantic, and wholesome expressions of my love for Erica. However, I chose this picture of us for a different reason: it may be the only one of us in which my hand is clearly palming her butt, with only the barest acknowledgment of decorum keeping my hand from reaching even lower. You already know how much I love Erica as a person, but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t also acknowledge that one of the many things that drew me to her is that I am an “ass man,” and she’s got lots of it. There have been many times when, while running some sort of family- or household-related errand with her, I’d linger behind her to enjoy the view, until she jolted me back into focus by telling me to hurry up. I’ve written tons about the respect, the friendship, and the love that we share, but rarely about the lust. Therefore, I’ll end this post by posting a list of some of the songs that have popped into my head while “enjoying the view”:

1) Juvenile “Back That Azz Up” 2) Missy Elliott “Work It” 3) ZZ Top “Legs” 4) OutKast “The Way You Move” 5) Prince “U Got the Look” 6) Slave “Watching You” 7) A Tribe Called Quest “Bonita Applebum” 8) Stevie Wonder “Golden Lady” 9) Patra “Worker Man” 10) The Isley Brothers “Between the Sheets” 

I love you, honey. <3 Stay tuned for the next installment!

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #4

This picture of Erica and our elder son Nate was taken in August, during the open house session at the middle school he currently attends. I’ve written before about how Erica’s devotion to Nate was one of the biggest things that made me fall in love with her, as well as how being Nate’s “bonus dad” has changed my life for the better. From the beginning of my relationship with Erica, I committed myself to loving Nate as if my own blood flowed through his veins, and Ezra’s arrival has not changed that commitment one bit. Even now, Nate behaves in ways that make Erica half-jokingly ask me, “Are you SURE he’s not your child??!?” Case in point: until very recently, his point of view regarding homework was similar to mine when I was his age. What was the point of doing it, I thought back then, if I’d already mastered the material well enough to ace the tests? When I was Nate’s age, not doing homework wasn’t quite as big of a deal, because all my teachers would do was mark “N” (for “needs improvement”) on my report card. As long as every other section of my report card was marked “E,” “G,” or “S” (excellent, satisfactory, or good), my parents didn’t care too much. I did occasionally receive corporal punishment over my indifference toward homework, but it felt like a formality (which, in retrospect, made the spankings even more problematic). Nate’s situation is different. Homework counts for a third of his grade in each of his classes; if he doesn’t do it, he’ll be lucky to pass with a D. To make a long story short, Nate had some close calls with his grades this quarter, the kind that would’ve prompted my mother to pull out a belt with the quickness. However, Erica and I took the time to sit with Nate, talk him through the thought processes that kept him from fully applying himself, and encourage him in ways that disabused those processes. As a result, his grades in two classes improved by two letters in the span of a week, and he ended his first quarter of middle school three points short of the honor roll, which is a major accomplishment in my book. When I told my mother about this, she said: “You and Erica are better parents than I was. I was raised by the belt, so I never thought to actually talk to my kids about things.” The conversation reminded me yet again of how much I admire Erica as a mother, of how parenting with her has validated so many of the feelings I had about my own childhood. I’m so thankful that I get to share such a journey with her twice. I love you, honey. ❤️ Stay tuned for the next installment!

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #3

This screen shot was taken in March, during the final, and most difficult, trimester of Erica’s pregnancy with Ezra. By this point, Erica barely had enough energy to get through her workday, and needed to devote her time at home to rest and relaxation. She spent most of her evenings in our upstairs bedroom, while I remained downstairs, alternating between tending to the household and doing booking work. During this time, Erica would frequently summon me upstairs via text, sometimes to ask for favors, but mostly to tell me whatever was on her mind, be it a funny meme, some work-related gossip, or a brainstorm over more serious matters. Of course, I ran up and down the stairs a lot, but I didn’t mind the workout, because it meant less time apart. If I could, I’d have spent every night chilling in bed with her; I’m sure that the moments when she summoned me upstairs kept us both from feeling too lonely. When Erica wrote “There keeps being more stuff to tell you,” her words stuck with me long past that particular moment, because they reflect the natural state of our relationship. From our very first hours-long phone call five years ago, we’ve been in a state of perpetual conversation. There are periods of companionable silence: it’s not a good idea to marry an introvert if you don’t know how to be quiet sometimes. Even so, Erica and I talk to each other like we’re best friends, not just spouses, and the conversation never loses steam. There really does keep being more stuff to tell each other, and I don’t see that ever changing. I love you, honey. ❤️ Stay tuned for the next installment!

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #2

This picture was taken in our kitchen on Halloween morning, shortly before Erica went to work. Although she was going for a witchy look to correspond with the occasion, it’s pretty close to how she’d look every day if she could. Halloween is Erica’s favorite holiday, and she celebrates it every day in her heart.

The “Eat, Drink, and Be Scary” sign in the picture has been hanging on our kitchen wall since we moved into this house last year. Our welcome mat has a skull and crossbones on it, with the word “BEWARE” below it. None of the Halloween decorations on our living room mantle will be removed until after Thanksgiving, at the absolute earliest.

When I was a child, I avoided celebrating Halloween for religious reasons; as a young adult, my avoidance curdled into indifference. If anyone had told me a decade ago that I’d marry a not-so-closet goth who reads books about funeral homes, takes me on cemetery dates, and drags me through haunted houses for fun, I wouldn’t have believed them. Now, though, I’m happy and honored to be the Gomez to Erica’s Morticia.

I know that Erica’s fascination with dark, spooky, and macabre things is at least partially due to her own experiences. When we first met face-to-face, she was grieving one of the biggest losses of her life, and even more grief awaited us after we married each other. Erica has faced, and continues to face, the reality of death with a strength and clarity unmatched by anyone else I know, and following suit has made me stronger as well.

Because of Erica, my outlook on death is more realistic, less fearful, and I’m able to indulge in dark, spooky, and macabre things with humor and fun. Before I met her, you couldn’t have paid me to set foot in a haunted house. However, when we walked through “Scarowinds” a couple Halloweens ago, I responded to every monster that startled me by laughing, and growling my best “vokillz” in their faces.

Plus, Erica just plain looks HOT in dark clothes and makeup! 😘

I love you, honey. ❤️ Stay tuned for the next installment!

[seanpadilla]

10 DAYS OF ERICA (2017) - #1

Today is my wife Erica’s 36th birthday. Each year, in the spirit of the Advent calendar, I count each day in anticipation of her birthday by choosing a picture from our memories, and writing about how it symbolizes one of the innumerable things that I love about her. This was the first installment.

This picture was taken on Election Day! Although I’ve lived in North Carolina for three years, this year’s Election Day was the first that Erica and I participated in together, as voters registered in the same state. We visited our local polling place as a family, with our kids in tow. I carried Ezra on one arm, while casting a ballot with the other; Erica talked to Nate about the importance of voting, and the sacrifices that our ancestors made for us to have voting rights in the first place. We spent the evening celebrating the victories of Vi Lyles, Charlotte’s first Black woman mayor; Danica Roem, Virginia’s first transgender public official; and Andrea Watkins, a Black transgender woman who was elected to Minneapolis’ city council.

It was a welcome contrast to last year’s Election Day, which ended with me crying on our living room couch, as our cats tried to comfort me; and with Erica, who was three months pregnant at the time, battling a stress-induced migraine in our bedroom upstairs. That next morning, we braced ourselves for the transition into Trump’s America by reaffirming our resolve to resist his agenda by every means at our disposal. Rather than retreating into despair, we stepped up our civic engagement. I know that many other people have done the same thing, and that the victories we celebrated last night are but the first fruits of this mass quickening.

I’ve seen and read about so many friendships, relationships, marriages, and families being torn apart over the last year, due to people being forced to truly reckon with each other’s political views. I’m continually comforted and relieved by the fact that Erica and I are of the same mind when it comes to human rights. We put our beliefs into practice by the ways in which we interact each other, manage our home, and raise our children, which makes it easier to carry our beliefs with us into the outside world. We’re both the kind of people that alt-right trolls would call “social justice warriors,” and we’re proud of it. If anything, Erica is even more outspoken than I am, and I love her for it.

The victories of Vi, Danica, and Andrea are signposts of the better world that is still possible. However, even if I hadn’t kept up with yesterday’s election results, I’d have seen similar signposts just by watching Erica go about her day.

I love you, honey. <3 Stay tuned for the next installment!

[seanpadilla]

*waves hello*

I’m back, and I now have TWO sons.

Also, today is my wife’s birthday, so I’m gonna publish 10 posts about her in celebration, so get ready. <3