All units be advised. Shots fired at West 177 Street and Broadway. Officers in need of a 10-13. All nearby units respond.
At first, the radio call of an officer involved shooting in Washington Heights, doesn't phase her.
With McGrath up her ass about the latest Compstat report for SVU and Velesco and Muncy visiting a victim near the courthouse, she doesn't have the manpower to send for support.
The second call from Dispatch, coming exactly eleven minutes later, does stop her in her tracks.
All units be advised. Additional units needed at W117th and Broadway. Multiple DAs and two officers are MIA.
Olivia slides her glasses off and stares at her radio sitting upright at the corner of her desk. She can feel a sense of heaviness creep onto her shoulders as she stares at the small device.
It couldn't possibly be El, she tries to reason as the heaviness morphs into the recognizable feeling of panic. Out of habit, she rubs the center of her chest- like a self soothe- just as the sinking feeling in her chest grows.
The chances of her ex- partner being either being one of the dead or missing officers are just-
"Elliot, I'm not ready for this."
Her own words from that conversation in her kitchen pop in her head, eliciting an unconscious shake of the head.
A 'no' in all sense to the impending panic attack over the small possibility that those words could be the last words she'd ever-
Stop, she snaps to herself, you can't lose it over-
The door to her office files open and Fin stops in the doorway, hand outstretched onto the doorknob. In twenty four years, she's known the man to carry his emotions close to his chest. He's her lightning rod, seemingly always able to bring her back to Earth with a simple, confident nod.
Fin's eyes flicker back and forth between the growing commotion she can now hear from the bullpen. "Liv, you heard the radio?"
"Gunshots." Her voice comes out as a squeak. "Who - Fin." Just tell me.
A thought fires across her mind that causes her heart to drop- You weren't ready to take a risk and now Elliot might be dead.
"Stabler and Sergeant Bell are the missing cops," Fin states. She doesn't release her breath as he continues, "It was a shootout….it's bad, Liv."
Her conscience seems to take news and hit her with the same thought that had taken her breath away earlier.
You weren't ready and now he might be dead.
You weren't ready and now he might be dead.
You weren't ready and now he might be dead.
She blinks as Fin's hand on her shoulder brings her back. His brown eyes are wide and filled with pure concern. "You with me?"
Imagine if- the voice starts and Olivia shakes her head, a quick nod to shut it up. She can feel Fin's worry rise as he steps closer to her and repeats, "You with me?"
Her breath hitches before she nods weakly. "Tell me- " her voice cracks, " Tell me what happened."
The Diablo gang, under investigation in a joint operation between Organized Crime and the Bronx's Gang Unit, had ambushed two SUVs carrying Ayanna, Elliot and Sergeant Damien Holloway in one and two of Holloway's officers in another.
"Diablo's crew ran them off the road and started firing in the middle of Washington Heights," Fin explains. He's still standing inches from the now closed door of her office. He's on edge as he speaks, his eyes flickering over to the elevator and back to her every few seconds.
"It looks like Stabler and Bell retreated into the neighborhood, " Fin continues with another glance towards the elevator,"But with the Diablo gang roaming the street, I don't see anyone giving us information on where Stabler and Bell went and in what condition they were in. "
"Elliot, I'm not ready for this."
She shuts her eyes at the memory of her own voice. The same squeezing sensation in her chest elicits a sharp inhale. To counter, she forces a recall of every expectation known for a missing person's case:
The first 48 hours are the most important.
No assumptions can be made without a full investigation, evidence collection, inter-
You should have told him what you felt and now he might never know.
You should have told him what you felt and now he might never know.
Her eyes fly open to see Fin now sitting next to her on the couch. His hand rests on her shoulder as he stares up at her wide eyed. "You with me?"
Olivia exhales a slow, shaky breath. She looks away from Fin and pauses to find the words to say. All she can muster is a soft, barely audible, "I just got him back, Fin."
"We don't know anything-"
"I know," Olivia replies. She rubs a hand over a face and shakes off the tears beginning to form in her eyes. "I know I'm supposed to know that there are steps before I should even begin to panic-"
"But things are different, I'm guessing," Fin says.
"When he'd dropped off Noah," Olivia sniffles, "we'd nearly….he was ready and I wasn't- I couldn't." She drops her head and lets out another shaky breath. "I have been replaying that moment in my head for weeks, wondering if I'd screwed up everything. And now he's missing."
Fin hums in acknowledgement. "We don't know anything yet other than the fact that he and Bell ran. Until we know-"
"Don't panic yet, right?" She lifts her head up and looks up towards the ceiling. The loop of thoughts start up again-
You weren't ready and now he might be dead.
You weren't ready and now he might be dead.
Trembling again, Olivia finally looks down to meet Fin's worry filled brown eyes and mutters, "Too late."
Grace Muncy’s only heard rumors of the infamous Bensler and Stabler.
The rumors back at the Academy during the classes on fraternization had spurred a group of trainees gossiping over stories of officers dating, marrying and cheating. She remembers resting against a bar and hearing two cadets loudly gossiping-
“And the affair between McGaffee and Rammey is soap opera worthy. Oh- did you hear about Benson and Stabler? I heard they were sleeping together-”
“Yeah, but come on. Be realistic here. You think they didn’t sleep together?”
The stories seem more true than anything now as Grace sits at her desk and watches the closed blinds of her boss's office. In the seven hours since the news of the attack on Organized Crime and the Gang Unit, she's only seen Fin enter and exit the room once.
"Has she left her office?" Grace asks, waiting for a response from Velesco sitting in his desk across from her. He looks from his laptop and leans back in his chair.
"Not really. I know Sarg told her about the second shooting and the eyewitness," Velesco replies. The second shooting- more of a show than an actual attack had taken place about five hours after the attack. After the arrest of one of the shooters, an eyewitness had been shot at while en route to a local precinct.
No injuries. Only a terrified witness with news of spotting Detective Stabler and Sergeant Bell.
"They cut through my backyard. The lady cop looked like shit and was being carried by the big guy. He was limpin' and bleeding badly from his leg."
Grace eyes her watch just as Velesco's phone vibrates on his desk. He eyes the screen as Grace mutters, "Almost nine hours running from a gang. Hell- they won't last much longer out there."
“Yeah….hey, Sarge wants me to back him up in directing the search over at 1PP,” Velesco replies after a long pause. He rises to his feet and slides his badge onto his waist. “He wants you to keep an eye on the Captain."
She nods and glances over to the closed door. "She uh….she's not in the sharing her feelings stage with me yet. Especially about anything to do with Stabler."
"At least check on her, you know?" Velesco suggests with a shrug. He squeezes her shoulder in support in passing before heading towards the elevator. She rocks back in her chair, blows away the loose bang from her eyes before rising to her feet.
How can I do that with someone who barely trusts me? Muncy thinks as she crosses the quiet bullpen and stops at Olivia's door. She raps her knuckles against the door and waits a long uncomfortable silence for an answer. If I go in there and she’s in the middle of a phone call or something, I’m going to be chewed out. But if I don’t and something is wrong…
"Enter," Muncy hears beyond the door. She turns the knob and pushes the door open to find the Captain sitting on her couch, head bowed and hands clasped together in her lap. It's an eerie sight for the detective, seeing her boss, a beacon of strength and confidence looking so-
Broken, Muncy thinks. I've never seen her look so…broken. "Captain, are you okay?"
Olivia lifts her head but doesn't meet Muncy’s eyes. She rocks slightly back and forth in her seat before muttering a weak, "I'm fine."
Good because what I'm about to say may get me fired, Muncy thinks before rambling, “Look, Sarge told me to help you and I don’t know how to help because you're my boss and you don’t really trust me with stuff like this and I’ve heard things about you and Stabler and if the rumors are true, then-"
Her train of thought suddenly crashes and she's left holding her breathing. Olivia finally cocks her head towards Muncy and eyes her impassively for another painful minute for the detective.
"I'm sorry, Captain. I don't know what to do," Muncy stammers. She takes in another short breath and waits for an inevitable firing or a professional stay-in-your-lane.
Instead, Olivia’s shoulders drop and she answers softly, “I feel like I’m drowning.”
Olivia taps her chest and begins fiddling with her necklace. “I feel like I’m drowning. The last time I felt like this was when my son was taken from me.”
"Someone took Noah- what?" The detective shakes off the dozens of questions now circling her mind. "Look, I know he's important to you,” Muncy states. She takes a step closer and decides to take another risk with another question, “Are you and Detective Stabler…uhm…sorry, if that’s too personal but-”
“Ok.” Muncy sits on the arm of the couch and begins shifting her hands between being cupped together to resting on top of one another. “Is there anything that I can-”
“There’s nothing that you can do or anyone can do because there is no trace of him and Ayanna,” Olivia mutters. She sighs and drops her head again, “It’s like they disappeared off the face of the Earth. I know it’s only been nine hours but the radio silence-”
“It’s deja vu,” Olivia continues. “He disappeared for ten years and I’m reliving it along with every moment we’ve had together since he came back and it is suffocating.”
Muncy sighs and eyes the large office for anything that she can use to guide the conversation. Her eyes fall to the line of awards and an idea- a less risky one- comes to mind. “Can I sit here with you, Cap? We don’t have to talk about anything or you can tell me more about your son. You-you can even tell me about you and Stabler back in the day. If you want-”
“Grace,” Olivia interrupts. She nods slowly and finally turns her body to face Muncy. Her voice cracks as she adds, “You don't need to babysit me.”
"It's not babysitting. It's-" Muncy smiles warmly at Olivia, "supporting family."
Sometime in the hours after Muncy’s visit, Olivia drifts asleep.
It's a short, fitful sleep that brings flashes of her fears and brief glances into the possibilities of him being gone. For good.
"We found him. I'm so sorry, Liv."
"Liv, I can't wait anymore. I have to move on-"
She's in the middle of dreaming of another phone call bringing news of Elliot dying when she jolts awake at the sound of voices outside her office door. Carisi's voice registers first and closest to the door.
"Sergeant Bell's rescue is going to end up on the radio and the news is gonna spread like wildfire. Liv's gonna find out eventually."
Olivia pops her head up off one of the cushions. She takes in a sharp breath and waits for any further explanation- from her best guess, Carisi’s leaning against her office door or pacing in front of whoever he’s talking to.
“I’ll tell her-” Fin’s voice is quieter than expected, likely standing by or sitting on his desk, “-She’s…she’s not in a good place, man and this won’t help.”
Amanda’s unexpected reply to Fin and the unexpected sound of her friend leaves Olivia sitting up alright and holding her breath , “She needs to know about Ayanna.”
She’s immediately on her feet and feels the familiar squeezing sensation in her chest grow. Olivia reaches a shaking hand out towards the door just as her conscience spurs an uneasy thought- El would protect Ayanna with everything he has. What could have happened to her and not him?
The second thought that crosses her mind causes her to yank the door open and meet the eyes of Carisi, Amanda and Fin scattered around the bullpen. It’s a brief reminder of the days of the old team, the days of Carisi and Amanda stopping their banter to look up for directions, Fin toying with a giant rubber band or his favorite black pen and all three eyes looking up at her ready for her leadership and guidance.
Instead, her voice cracks as she calls out, “Tell me what?”
Fin lets out a huff and sighs, “Liv-”
Her eyes flicker from Fin over to Carisi. The ADA uncharacteristically fidgets as he explains, “There’s an update on Detective Stabler and Sergeant Bell. After the shootout, they cut through buildings and a neighborhood before hiding for a few hours. Dario- the gang’s number two- completely flooded the area looking for them.”
Amanda, without a thought, takes a step towards Olivia, who jerks back from her friend. “Just say it,” Olivia snaps. “Say ”it."
"A family on the edge of Washington Heights brought Ayanna to New York Presbyterian," Fin says. He pauses before adding, "Stabler convinced them to take her in while he distracted the gang by engaging two of them. Both of them were already In bad shape but Elliot took a gunshot to the shoulder, according to a bystander."
Carisi nods. "He's still on the run, Liv and the lows tonight are going to be in the low twenties."
Meaning unless he gets help, he probably won’t survive the night- the voice in the back of her mind seems to yell- And you won’t get to tell him anything.
The loop is booming in the back of her mind, somehow laughing at her, teasing her.
You weren't ready, you pushed him away and now he’ll never know.
You weren't ready, you pushed him away and now he’ll never know.
"I need-" Olivia stammers before briskly walking past the group and straight to the stairwell door. She pushes the door open and sprints down the first flight of stairs as tears burn her eyes. On the bottom of the second flight of stairs, her right knee buckles and she collapses against the stairwell railing. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, brea-
You weren't ready, you pushed him away and now he’ll never know.
The voices- the cacophony of voices explode in her head once more-
You weren't ready, you pushed him away and now he’ll never know.
She rests her head on the stairwell and shuts her eyes.
I wasn't ready. I pushed you away, El. I may never get to tell you that I love you.
I wasn't ready. I pushed you away, El. I may never get to tell you that I love you.
"Liv, take a breath," she hears from Amanda on her right side. Amanda rests a hand on her back and sits on the stair to her right as Olivia feels her body shake under her fighting off the need to cry. "Don't go there."
"Amanda, don't. Don't coddle me- we both know that the chances of him surviving the night drops every minute,"she snaps.
"And again, we have people searching for him. Don't start expectin' him to be gone."
"He made sure Ayanna was safe. Did something happen between you two?"
Olivia sighs slowly and then lifts her head to meet Amanda's eyes. "We nearly but….I froze and I told him I wasn’t ready. It sounds so stupid now.”
Amanda rises from the stair and rests against the railing next to Olivia. “It isn’t stupid. We can’t spend our time gettin’ lost in what we could have or shouldn’t have said.”
"Amanda," Olivia sighs. She rests her head on the railing again and hears, “I don’t particularly like what he did to you but I know he loves you and will move heaven and he'll to get back to you. "
Why does everyone keep saying it? “And how do you know that?”
“Because of a message he asked the bystander to pass along when he handed over Bell,”Amanda states. “He specifically asked the bystander to tell his partner- semper fi.”
The same two words he’d sent to her that last form of communication before he’d disappeared. For ten years.
The anxiety that’s suffocated her for nearly not just thirteen hours but two years causes her to sob. As Amanda brings her into a hug, she can’t help but fear- the last time you said that, you left me. You do not get to leave me. Not again.
She doesn't attempt to go home during the overnight hours.
Instead, Olivia sits behind her desk alone in her office and loses herself in the noise.
The noise- a cacophony of doubt, anger, fear and regret consume her as she sits, arms wrapped around her knees.
The doubt that had stopped her from taking that step forward seems to drag her further into the darkness. The doubt, she realizes with every passing hour, is something that's run wild in her life without restraint.
What if I can't help those who need help?
What if I ruin and destroy everything and everyone in my life?
What if I'm not meant to be loved?
She's drowning in self doubt and fear until 1:16 in the morning- eighteen hours or so after the attack on Organized Crime- when she decides to move over to the couch. She rises to her feet and without a second thought, walks over to the small window that sits above a small bookcase.
Elliot, you bastard- you do not get to die and leave me again. It isn't an angry thought that crosses her mind but an unexpected message she knows he won't be able to answer.
It's calming, weirdly but briefly quiets the worry. So she continues.
I want us to figure out a way for the next step.
And if you come home, I'm yours.
Olivia jolts awake at a hand gently shaking her shoulder.
"Olivia." Amanda's voice is soft, immediately worrying to the Captain as she stands above her. In the darkly lit office, she can't read Amanda's expression and croaks," Wha-?"
Amanda steps closer to the couch, a warm smile illuminated by light shining through the window . "He’s alive. We found him.”
Her breath hitches. "What?"
Amanda kneels in front of her, grinning ear to ear. Olivia feels tears form in her eyes at the relief in her friend's face. Amanda explains, "Stabler limped into the three-four in Hudson Heights and those officers took him to New York Presbyterian about an hour ago."
He's alive and he's safe and he's here.
"Liv, look at me," Amanda calls out to her. Olivia looks to her, trembling as the tears begin to fall. "Fin's downstairs with the car ready to take you."
By the time they makes it to New York Presbyterian, the stupid loop in the back of her mind starts up again.
The loop is different this time, oddly different as she passes police officers loitering around the entrance, patients scattered around the room and a few hospital staff.
Don't screw this up. Can't screw this up. What if I screw this up?
Don't screw this up. Can't screw this up-
A woman around her age in navy blue scrubs catches her attention and narrows in on her. She's crossed paths with the woman, Ja'Nae Holmes, more than a handful of times during through Ja'Nae's travel nurse position around the boroughs. Olivia watches Ja'Nae mark something down on a tablet, scan the room and finally meet Olivia's eyes.
"Captain Benson, you got here pretty quick," Ja'Nae remarks as she approaches Olivia. "Your Sergeant called ahead and said it was your old partner and that you'd be coming in hot."
"I-" Olivia glances behind her to Fin, who only shrugs. "Can I see him? How is he?"
"Detective Stabler received twenty-three stitches, which he argued through," Ja'Nae snorts," and insists that his dehydration and mild hypothermia isn't a big deal."
Olivia lets out a tearful chuckle. "That sounds like him."
Ja'Nae nods at the emergency room doors. "I had a feeling. Most important thing, though, is that he's been asking if you've come yet."
Olivia opens her mouth, finding herself speechless, as she follows Ja'Nae through the security doors to the emergency room bays. They pass the first closed bay before the nurse points to bay 7 where a security officer stands guard.
And then everything seems to slow.
Ja'Nae's voice, the beeping monitors- everything- falls to the thumping of her heart beating between her ears. There's no loop of impending anxiety driven thoughts, no what-ifs, no doubts.
Just her heart beating out of her chest.
Ja'Nae steps to the side as they stop at the bay doors. She nods towards the door and says, "He's been anxious to see you, Captain. Go on."
Olivia slides open the door and steps in to see Elliot staring off towards the window from his hospital bed. Stitches line his right arm that is propped up on a pillow and continue down his right leg that sits propped on a pillow. He's paler than she'd like him to be as he fidgets with a loose thread from his gown
"Nurse, like I-" Elliot begins to say, bringing his gaze from the window to the doorframe. He stops at the sight of her and smiles in relief. "Liv."
"Hi," Olivia manages to say. She walks to the right of the bed and her heart flutters when he holds up his uninjured arm. "You're here."
"I'm here, " Elliot replies. His hand brushes her knuckles before gently taking her hand in his. "I'm OK, Liv. You got my message?"
"The last time you said that to me, El, you left me for a decade."
Elliot's brow furrows as he thinks back. "No, no- Liv. I meant that to tell you that I was coming back. I will always come back to you. I won't make that mistake again."
"You're an idiot," Olivia laughs. She closes her eyes as she rests her forehead against his, taking in the warmth resonating off of him. With a quick exhale, Olivia whispers, "I love you."
It's a fearless declaration- one that doesn't trigger any anxiety, any doubt or any need to run.
And when he chuckles and replies, "I love you to,", she's no longer afraid.
