Why did she have to lead with missing him, feeling as if she’d fucked herself already; he held the cards now, and she was weak, wondering when she’d become this person so willing to let him gouge out her insides, to take a knife to where she was soft, within. A breath that felt haggard and pained within her chest only echoed, looking up, blinking fast, feeling the burn come and go, with no clean up crew required. It would have been better to start with him looking good, and asking if his rehab clinic knew he was out here with her today. Or maybe it was new drugs, oh how, he loved his designer highs and his beautifully crafter crime sprees. She loved it too, but only with him, that way they cemented their fucked up ethos when in each other’s company.
The fallacy was feeling herself special, but she’d learned too many times what that meant for a girl like her, not nearly as unforgettable as her ego would have her believe. Bruised but not broken, eyes glancing his way, but hardly seeing him, even as the edges of his reality brushed against her own. “What. You think I’d let those rainclouds in?” her voice taking on all that twisting sarcasm she needed, almost wincing at the sound of it, but holding steady as he rounded about, moving, touching, his hands on everything but her. And she was already remembering him driving, no hands, because he couldn’t get enough then, before his bad habits pulled him away and out of her life. No calls, no texts. He fell off the grid like she was supposed to when she’d gone to him that night out in the middle of those fire escapes.
Did he remember that?
Instead he talks about whips and chains, and she wasn’t surprised, because that was Ethan, looking for ways to worm out of what didn’t work for him. An awkward man at the end of the day, but it was what Toni had always found charming about him, those rare smiles, those rarer glimpses at the man beneath the designer suits. Her own arms wrapped around herself, as if it’d keep her innards in place, expression rolling through a million emotions in one. “Did you?” the doubt there, seeping into it all, like a bad habit, she could feel that ache and hurt pounding to be let in. Holding her position, because fuck, what else could she do? “You could always show me that, yanno?”
❛ there’s a few ways i can do that seeing how i may or may not be walking on eggshells here, i’ll just.. ❜ this time, there’s no distractions or smoke to decide whichever controlled word poisons her ears. just ethan and his stature stopping to close in on what could be considered prey if he had no respect for toni. even though his actions are debatable, when it comes to her, he’s downright serious. arms wrap around the newly crowned vixen, which sparks a subtle laughter. the thought of miss grunge tossing pom poms of bright colors, sporting those smelly jackets. ethan remembers his short lived transfer to riverdale high and by the looks of it, he lucked out with the eight to five horrors versus petty drama. there’s murderers running around like the purge became nonfiction. not that he’s complaining, it keeps the spotlight off of his own sins which he hopefully kicked to the curb.
so he looked healthier, hair cut even though his semi shaggy cut was an aesthetic of southside. he looks okay, and in this town, okay is a blessing. breathing slows, the mind turns at a million apologies he should spill. a hug from behind. the big spoon embracing the little spoon on a surprisingly nice day. it’s almost like seeing dracula out in broad daylight, only somewhat mesmerizing. because he hardly shows this side; embracing all this amity. ❛ rain clouds aren’t all that bad. they’re powerful. the thunder lightning. ❜ each word becomes more mute than the last, transitioning into a deep whisper. poor ethan was a sucker for poetics. both dark and romantic. rather seeing the bad in the morose, he sees beauty. empowerment.