Out of Context Quotes from my Fiancée and Me

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Interrobang

Sarah: The 180 is "why the fuck am I eating? I'm clearly dead." Sarah: I love you too... even though you're currently dead because I anally fisted you. Sarah: God damn it, why is my microphone depressed!? Sarah: Interrobang is the greatest term for punctuation ever. Sarah: ... breasts with eyes for nipples... Sarah: Car crash and then suddenly ORGY. Sarah: And now you're distracted by pangolin genitals as well.

Sarah: Crying happily while shitting should also be a Cards Against Humanity card.

Sarah: You shouldn't be asking if I'm on drugs; you should be asking what drugs I'm on.

Sarah: Also it is a travesty Obama's foreskin is not there yet.

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A fork in the Road

Sarah: No, it's the forks doing that. The forks you shove up your pee hole to prevent the earwigs from getting in. Sarah: How did all these baby penguins get switch blades! Me as another person: Whad're ya doin', Grandma? Me as Grandma: GIVIN' YOU A RIMJOB. Me as the first person: No, Grandma, NOT TODAY! Me: But I tell you, the rectangle exists. Sarah: That's her body type; it's not a penis. Me: We're talking about two different things again, aren't we? Sarah: Sorry, but I would rather you not rest your scrotom on my boobs. Sarah: I am the goddess of fertility and garbage! Sarah: Shit kitten? Oh no, I imagined a kitten made of shit! ;-; Me: ... now I must castrate a hippo... Sarah: You have picked a most interesting method of suicide. Sarah: Oh no, I've killed your deepthroat career! Sarah: They enhanced your butt into a toaster, but they didn't enhance your dick.

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Baby Penguin Gangs

Sarah: They call me the fire hose. Would you like to know why? Sarah as other person: Golden showers. Sarah: No, blood rain. Sarah: Well, Patrick, I'm sure you like Hitler more than scat fetish. Sarah: Oh no, your brain is infected by penguins! Me: Why do earwigs want to live in my giblets? Sarah: I am the ghost of Christmas present. You are presently a douche. Sarah: And please don't shove an ice cube up your anus. Me: That is the smoothest crotch I've ever seen, Sarah. Me: I kinda wanna grow a dick tree now, Sarah. I really do. Sarah: Because remember, Patrick, I will cut a bitch. *joins baby penguin gang and waddles away* Sarah: *suddenly nukes Switzerland* Die, you neutral bastards, die.

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How I got Abraham Lincoln’s Skull

Jack White successfully juggles 314 cats. Jack White breaks world record. Jack White found out I accidentally juggles the head of Abraham Lincoln. “PORQUE!?” Jack White quickly tries to silence all the media. Jack White fails to silence all the media. Jack White isn't put in jail because everyone is too amazed by the fact he juggled 313 cats and Abraham Lincoln's skull. Jack White gets out of jail free. Jack White gets to keep the skull. Jack White mounts as trophy on my wall. Jack White plots on how he'll get the head of the Queen of England when she dies.

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Tornado x Snake x Cardboard Box = OTP

Sarah: I am as stealthy as a tornado.

Sarah: We're photosynthetic; we should stare at the sun.

Me: That is a woman putting a cup of coffee into her vagina.

Sarah: Okay, time to look up furry porn. Me: But first Bugs Bunny teams up with Superman.

Sarah: The penis shakes with anger.

Sarah: You silenced everybody with penis.

Me: There's things in this world that shouldn't be allowed. Sarah: Your mother with a portal gun?

Sarah: You never thought that the phrase "face raper" could refer to something cute.

Me: I slowly pet my laptop charger to assure it.

Sarah: You know you're a cracked ship when the cracked ship of Feferi and Lord English makes more sense.

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RIP

Me: My nickname for you is beautiful; your nickname for me is potato. Sarah: Are you cheating on me with a pillow case? Sarah: ... because nothing is more prestigious than owning a piece of fossilized shit... Sarah: The nipples say "nipple", Patrick... they're POKEMON! Sarah: Is it a pencil sharpener or a fleshlight? I need to know A.S.A.P. Sarah: What happened to your penis? A dinosaur bit it. Sarah: No, I need something to remove staplers! They're attacking the city! Sarah: How do I instantaneously know what the taste of dick in my coffee is? I used to work in porn. Sarah: I smook heroin because I don't know how to drug. My Mom: What are you gigglin' about? Me: *in between giggles, accidentally mutters* Th... thousands of dead animals... My Mom: ಠ_ಠ *Sarah's intense laughter over headset*

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Titillating Title

Me: From now on when I puke I will think of all the people that get off to puking and puke again. Me: I play Dead Space; this doesn't bother me...... I WAS WRONG. Nononono no nononono nonono no nono no nononono. Me: I'll harness the energy of a power plant to maintain physical form. Sarah: Tell me the story behind your fear of pinecones! Sarah: Someone wants to fuck the bicycle. Sarah: Splinters!? You fucked a table! Sarah: *eats McDonalds while half naked* Yep, this is definitely American porn. Me: I didn't wanna see a Digimon threesome. Sarah: *slaps belly to my sharona* Sarah: *strokes dick to my sharona* Sarah: I'm so annoyed by your ignorance I can't laugh at your joke.

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About time for Titles

Sarah: That's okay, my vocabulary is very vast. Fuck. Motherfuck. Motherfucker. Me: I almost broke my dick because I laughed too hard while masturbating. Sarah: Our mating rituals are too complicated for your straight mind to comprehend. Me: I love you. You mean the world to me... which is why I made a planet of the hearts of innocents. Sarah: Bob Ross fucked the Mona Lisa with his paintbrush dick. Sarah: Oh no! It's raping Jupiter! Me: ...illicit shit fountain... Sarah: You're a flamingo! A horny flamingo! Sarah: Google search "Lobster Porn". Me: And apparently there is a fetish for lobster pinching testicles.

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Shit my Fiancée made me google so she could enjoy my reactions

Scat porn Lobster porn Teletubby porn Pokemon Scat porn Pokemon porn Kids Next Door porn  (no actual porn result) Barney porn Justin Beiber's dick Tortoise Penis Whale Penis Undertale Sans x Papyrus porn Fat People porn Genital Mutialtion Mutilated Feet She also makes me put it on Google Images. I love her even though I know she’s Satan.

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The Hearts of the Innocents Saga

One day I will bury you in the hearts of innocents. Metaphorically.

Jack White continues to hoard the hearts of innocents.

Jack White continues to gather hearts of the innocent.

Jack White fills stadium with the hearts of innocents.

Jack White now has space station dedicated to the hearts of innocents.

Jack White has small planet dedicated to the hearts of the innocents.

Jack White sacrifices hearts of the innocents for dark powers.

Jack White pushes planetoid of the hearts of the innocents deep into space.

Jack White gives you the blood of my enemies because I lost the planetoid of hearts in outer space. Jack White also gives you the skin and the liver. Jack White makes fuzzy dice out of kidneys. Jack White turns hands into toilet paper holders. Jack White mounts head on wall.

Planet sized atrocity made of the hearts of innocents has returned to orbit the sun as a sentient planet. Planet has now tripled in size, with a large mouth and angry.

The planetoid of the Hearts of the Innocents speaks. Or at least tries to. It ends up spouting blood throughout the solar system. Uranus is now filled with blood. This is a disasster of cosmic proportions. Scientists invent a way to spread Uranus. Scientists successfully separate Uranus from it's cosmic Blood Flood.

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Me: I have morals about having sex with ground beef.

Sarah: If you start doing that I'm taking you to the mental institution... to get checked for worms. BRAIN WORMS.

Sarah: ... predatory spider vagina...

Sarah: The United States has replaced waterboarding with cactus rape. I hope the Liberals are happy.

Sarah: Now there's a cat made out of poop. Congratulations.

Me: Every Disney princess is black here, Sarah. And they're having an orgy.

Sarah: You're an anus and I love you anyways, what the fuck?

Sarah: *Captain hook collapses into a pile of hooks*

Sarah: I have every right to dropkick these bears.

Sarah: By the time you cut off your own foreskin 200 times you become desensitized to it.

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Sarah: He's about as much teenager as my grandma.

Sarah: My sense of style is fuck you.

Sarah: He has six dicks. They call him a sexagon.

Sarah: I identify as uncooked spaghetti. My potential has yet to be reached.

Sarah: Suddenly, giant dancing lobsters are puking out penises with forks stuck in them, which then goblins are running around and devouring.

Sarah: Stone sea urchins for when the LEGOS do not satisfy your self hatred for your feet.

Sarah: My ass prays to the sun, Patrick.

Sarah: Is it wrong that I want to see a death battle between a bear and a hippo?

Sarah: The God of caterpillar cannibalism drives my super worms to want to eat each other. His name is Allah.

Sarah: Why am I addicted to eating baby powder!?

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Me: ... And a fossilized scrotum!

Me: Y'know this is not the bone I wanted to see when googling this.

Sarah: Are you fucking serious? Because your stupidity demands that I curse.

Sarah: THERE'S FECAL MATTER IN MY SACRIFICE!!!!!!

Sarah: Somebody left their hamster outside. Time to twirl it like a helicopter.

Sarah: There's literally a hundred words and they're all penis.

Me: *will now have horrible nightmares about Joanne Rivers's vagina*

Me: *makes a Spanish romantic comedy about paper towels*

Me: SuperSuperman has all the nipples.

Sarah: Suddenly getting your dick sucked by actual words.

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Sarah: No salads shall be tossed that don't actually involve lettuce.

Sarah: In the annual migration of the porn star...

Sarah: My IQ is muffin.

Sarah: I am the razor blade... of cuteness!

Sarah: It's as cool as Vanilla Ice wants you to think he is.

Sarah: Confirmed: Bill Gates's penis is a raisin.

Sarah: This is my ode to Frogger! *dodges vans while having sex*

Sarah: It's like if you had a boner, but you were in a room filled with wasps.

Sarah: There's only so many times you can punch Hitler in the face before it becomes boring.

Me: What I imagine is pigs being launched into space in the general direction of the sweat.

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Me: *angrily fists demons* Me: Wait, no.

Me: And this is why I go to sleep with a cork in my butt now.

Me: It's pretty much the same thing they do for the electric chairs -- NO. No. Massage chair.

Sarah: Even though my balls have been removed, my pride has not!

Sarah: Oh no, my clitoris flew away!

Sarah: I incited a crow war for shits and giggles.

Sarah: This is the most overpowered watermelon in the Universe!

Sarah: Sappy as we are? We are pine trees.

Sarah: Kryptonians mate like bed bugs. Me: *Yells loudly* MY CELERY!

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Sarah: I really hope I don't die because I was careless with a plastic kiddie pool.

Sarah: Spontaneous combustion is caused by having multiple dicks.

Sarah: That's how baby chairs are made; someone must eat a table and fart them out.

Sarah: I would like to confess to senpai before I get a dick!

Me: I don't think your butt can flap like that. Sarah: You don't know my life.

Sarah: When a side effect of worshiping you is cannibalism, there's a problem with worshiping you.

Sarah: By the way, I think I need to reconsider our relationship, as you have violently removed my penis by mistake.

Sarah: You just got uppercutted by a blanket.

Sarah: They formed a human centipede of fucking.

Sarah: When I move the laws of inertia act upon my body visibly.

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Sarah: Anyone can collect paintings... or pottery, but I prefer my collection of severed heads! No one shall be my enemy out of fear. Sarah: Well, you get it from your dad... or your mom, both were crazy. Sarah: It could be a moth, it could be a butterfly... or it could be the thing that destroys all of humanity. Sarah: Patrick I refuse to accept that you have the complexion of sandpaper. Sarah: Anally fisted by a dragon to death. Me: There's so many ways to say "my pants are not on," and I never knew it. Sarah: It's like if a penguin wearing a top hat was plotting to take over the world. Sarah: What if your anus was continuously on fire, but it couldn't kill you and the fire wouldn't go out? Sarah: I needed to protect my fragile masculinity by eating a cactus and downing a bottle of hot sauce. Sarah: But Patrick 3 is the sexiest of the uneven numbers.