Who to fight: Final Fantasy 14
Paladin: Do not fight the Paladin. You might be able to whittle her down eventually, over the course of several years, but you will be so bored. You will be so bored you will start to do anything just to get her to stop her 3-button combo. the combo will never stop. it will never, ever stop.
Monk: Do it. Fight the Monk. They are chill and cool friends and are always happy to punch and be punched. Fight the Monk and then afterwards kiss the Monk and buy them an early Christmas present, maybe swap glamour tips, it’s going to be a good time i promise you.
Warrior: Absolutely fight the warrior you will win 90% of the time because 90% of the time they will forget defiance. this matchup is a game of wits and you will have a headstart. however, if you are the unlucky few who fight the 10% who remembered you will be absolutely slaughtered and you will have a closed casket ceremony.
Dragoon: fight the dragoon, under any and all scenarios. Any environment, any weather condition, fight the dragoon. obviously if you can fight them near a ledge, absolutely do this and you will win. If you cannot find a ledge, you can instead call them a novice game and they will fly into a rage and mess up their 300-string combo. this is when you strike.
Bard: This one is a tossup, honestly. your opening move should always be to make a scathing comment about their dps. If they take the bait, you have won. If they remain silent and play Foe’s Requiem, you need to get out as fast as you can because death is coming and i wont be able to help you.
Ninja: honestly i have no idea. i dont know what ninjas do. they have secret handshakes i guess??? and a magic fog machine? and they can summon water or something i dont know, there’s backflips, i would not recommend this. maybe bribe your way out of the fight with a wall scroll? you can probably pick one up at like hot topic
White Mage: How dare you. How absolutely dare you even consider this. DOn’t you dare fight a white mage they are just doing their best and this is a wretched scenario.
Summoner: ?????????? ??????? maybe? if you can find a summoner, then i guess you could fight them. its going to be a very unpleasant fight and it would sort of be like fighting a, a, i dont know, a yangtze river dolphin, or like a pinta tortoise, except that theyre poisonous. try to ignore the summon, as the summoner himself is the soft, fleshy target, the vulnerable heart of the summoner’s complex web of diseases and weird cross class skills.
Scholar: similar to summoner only easier to bully. slap away their summon and push them in the dirt. this is an easy and sad fight.
Black Mage: this is a winnable fight in a few different ways. do not bring friends, you will regret this. on a similar note, however, feel free to fight in crowded areas. i guarantee the black mage will pull aggro and get themselves killed without you having to lift a finger. if on the off chance you are alone with the black mage, throw AoEs at them. after three or four they should start screaming incoherently about a “rotation,” and this is when you make your move.
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