Normal Horoscope:
Aries: Take the day off today. Slower.
Taurus: There is something special right around the corner. It will flee from you on sight. Wear running shoes. Perhaps consider a butterfly net.
Gemini: The black chihuahua will lead you to the mouth of hell. Dont go inside. You can pet the dog though.
Cancer: Look happiness is not a ranked system. You can slide between levels without reason. Nirvana can only be achieved accidentally.
Leo: Things rarely end how they begin. Get yourself in trouble and conquer your way out.
Virgo: Never feel guilty about taking time for yourself. Its your life. I promise. Trust me.
Libra: If anything, people are scared to date you because you’re too pretty. You literally radiate light and a cloud of powerful pheromones that enslave other conscious beings to your will. I dont blame you for having difficulty.
Scorpio: Dude, nice south american pestilence god. Digging the moth cloak.
Ophiuchus: The world is a mixed bag of eggs and flesh.
Sagittarius: Dont worry, the nazi fucks are expecting a single hulking clay mass. What they arent counting on is a swarm of millions of tiny golems.
Capricorn: The answer can be found within the swamp. Bring a snorkel.
Aquarius: Today marks a turning point. All trains go to your house.
Pisces: Life is too short to worry about pants.






















