say you love me one last time
pairing: steve harrington x gender neutral reader
summary: drunk calling your ex boyfriend in the middle of the night
warnings: drinking, fictional depiction of a mental/emotional breakdown, angst angst and even more angst
why am i doing this? is the first and only rational thought that pops into your head as you sit criss-crossed on the kitchen floor, rotary phone perched on your lap with the receiver in hand. you sluggishly flip through the phone book, head spinning, but you persevere and find the number your looking for.
when you'd first started drinking that night, he wasn't even on your mind. but, the more you drank, the more you reminisced about the past, the more you thought about what you lost.
you dial his number, each spin of the rotary adding to your dizziness. you put the phone to your ear and listen to the ring, restlessly waiting for him to pick up. you're tempted to grab your bottle of wine and take a drink when the ringing finally comes to a low hum of the other line.
"who is this?" his voice comes through; you let out a shaky breath. how long has it been since you heard his voice? three years? four? you're unsure, but you're relieved to hear it again.
"steve..." you whisper into the speaker. the line goes quiet, then, "y/n?"
you swallow around the lump in your throat, mouth suddenly dry as the desert sand. still, you will yourself to speak. "yeah, um... yeah, it's- it's me."
it's quiet for another moment. "why are you calling?"
that takes you for a spin; why are you calling him? you haven’t talked in years, and your relationship certainly didn’t end on the best of terms. you tried to figure out the answer to his question, but you cease to find one; you just… did. your impulsivity is a trait that you thought you left behind, but maybe you fooled yourself into thinking so.
"i..." you swallow again, knitting your eyebrows as you force yourself to speak. no shutting down now. "i don't know. i just...” you pause, letting out a shaky breath. your eyes burn, tears blurring your vision. “…i don’t know.”
it's quiet on the other end, and for a moment, you think that he may have hung up, before his voice finds you. "are you drunk?"
his question doesn't surprise you; you've got to sound loaded, right now. you swallow, chuckling dryly. "um... yeah, a bit."
before everything had happened, you'd never really drank. you're more of a pothead than a drunk, but about a month ago, you'd picked it up. everything in your life has been absolute hell, your job, your bills, your shithead of a boyfriend... well, ex-boyfriend. you finally remember why you'd started drinking. there was a fight, a really, really bad fight. you haven't been the greatest, your mental health has been spiraling, along with everything else in your life. he couldn't take it anymore, and you just... split. you screamed, cried, told him you never needed him, that he was nothing to you. so, he left. he left, and almost immediately, the realization that you have nothing left, the guilt and regret, broke you.
you don't realize you're crying until steve's voice finds you once again. "y/n? are you there? what's going on?"
you can barely breathe, barely think, but you try to speak anyhow. "i... i-i'm here... just... fuck, i'm so sorry..." your eyes squeeze shut, waterfalls streaming down your cheeks. "i'm sorry, steve..."
you can feel his confusion through the line, but moreso, you can feel his worry. even after all this time, after what you did to him, he's still worried about you. part of you wishes he wasn't, but the other... misses it. "y/n, what's wrong?"
"everything," you manage to force out, voice breaking, "everything's wrong. but, that's... it doesn't matter right now. i just... i need you to know that... i'm sorry... for everything. what i did to you, i... i've never forgiven myself. i never... i-i never wanted to hurt you, steve... i love you so..."
you can hear his teeth clench, see his brow furrow. "y/n..." he cuts you off; you let yourself be. just his tone alone gives away what he wants to say. "don't say it."
your bottom lip quivers. "but, it's true... i-i never stopped--"
"y/n, please." he cuts you off again; he can't hear you say it, or doesn't want to. whatever his reason, it doesn't matter. "just... stop."
"steve..." you plead, a whimper in your voice. you need to say it, need him to know. but, deep down, you know it's cruel. it's cruel of you to call him after so many years, drunk off your ass, and tell him you still love him. especially after how it ended.
"you..." he swallows, voice shaking. "why?"
his question is sudden, it surprises you. you don't understand why he's asking. "what?"
"why'd you do it?" he asks. it hits you over the head; you finally understand what it is he's desperate to know. your chest is tight, painfully so, but he deserves to know. your breakup was sudden; what you'd said to your ex tonight was the exact same as what you told steve, all those years ago.
you let out a shaky breath, head spinning. you want to hang up, run away, leave him in the dark, but that is also cruel. he deserves to know the truth. you owe him that much.
"i..." you start, mouth dry. you consider drinking more wine, but push the thought aside. "i was scared."
it's quiet for a moment, before he asks the same question. "why?"
"i... was scared you'd leave. that... that if you saw just how... broken, i was, how... how broken i still am, that... you wouldn't be able to handle it, handle me. so, i... hurt you, before you could hurt me. but... the things i said, they were... they weren't true. steve, you meant everything to me, you were my light. you still mean everything to me." i pause, take a breath. "i always needed you, steve, i just... i let it get to me, the thought of you leaving."
for a while, there's nothing but the hum of the other line. the thought that he might have hung up comes back, but you push it away.
"i wouldn't have, you know," he finally speaks, "i wouldn't have left you."
those words are like a stab to the gut; the words you've been dying to hear for so, so long, are the solace you've needed. "i know."
even so, it's too late to turn back the clock, to pick up the pieces scattered across the floor. all that's left is to move on, no matter how badly you want to hold on to the past.
"steve..." you whisper, still crying. "can you say it?"
"say you love me... just, one last time. please."
on the other side, steve let out a breath. you're not sure if he's actually going to say it; you don't deserve it, you know that, but you need to hear them.
"i love you, y/n..." his voice broke, and it's then you realize that he's crying, too. "i never stopped."
a weight lifts, and you let out a guttural sob, grabbing at your chest. after all this time, he still... loves you. even after what you did, the pain you caused him, the confusion you left him with, he still loves you.
even so, it's still too late to try again. but, it was nice to hear.
"thank you, steve..." you finally speak, "thank you. for everything. it... it was nice while it lasted."
a broken chuckle leaves his lips. "yeah. it was." he says, and after a moment of quiet, he speaks again. "goodbye, y/n."
your lip quivers; there's a sharp pang in your chest. you muster whatever energy you have left to bite the words out.
author's note: hope y'all enjoyed!! haven't posted anything for a bit, and i've had this stewing in my drafts for a whileeeee, so decided to finish it up tonight and post it. i think it could be betterrrr, thinking about writing it from steve's perspective, but i dunno, that's up to the masses to decide. also do think it'd be muuuuch angstier if steve got angry and didn't give the reader solace, but i can save that idea for another time.
lemme know what y'all want me to write!! my inbox is open, so feel free to ask!!! i need to get back into the habit of writing, work has been hell so i haven't really made time for it.
for now, though, have a good night/day :3
