Nevermore

This is a blog about my csa, depression, and anxiety. TW for csa, self harm "The strength to recover is already inside you. it'll take more than one day, just take it one day at a time."

[overcomerstaystrong]

You left me with a brand

of yourself

deformed and scarred

permanent

[overcomerstaystrong]

Super big TW!!! Child Sexual Abuse graphic description

Please don't read if this will trigger you. I'm only writing this down as I just have never really told anyone the details and feel it's finally time to let it out. Im not sure I'm ready so I'm starting by letting it out here.

Again TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC CSA

From the best of my recollection I was about 6/7 years old when I was abused. I first met my abuser at church... He was actually our new pastor. And I always had a bad feeling around him. He just seemed too excited around me and it freaked me out even as a kid. I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. Everyone else including my family loved him. Meanwhile, he noticed how I was an anxious kid who didn't really get along with my parents. And he latched on. It started with him "accidently" walking in on me in the bathroom. It's a small church and on Sunday afternoons we would have potlucks. This meant everyone was outside or downstairs. There were 2 bathrooms and the one upstairs was the one I usually ended up using. The lock was easily opened from the out side. He would unlock the door and pretend I had forgotten to lock it and he just "accidentally" happened upon me. He would stay for too long to be normal, and then he left. Eventually he would come up with some excuse to get closer and make sure I "wiped correctly". Then he would say he had to pee and make me touch him. He told me that I did a bad thing and if anyone found out I'd go to jail. He also said they would take his son away (was a 1 year old baby at the time) . I was already terrified of my parents so I didn't say anything. The few times I tried, they cut me off and didn't take me seriously. He then started touching me and forcing me to take him in my mouth. I hated it. The only reason it stopped is that he got in trouble for kissing one of his middle school students (he also taught at the local school). So he moved away. I didn't tell anyone until a few years ago and I wished I'd told sooner. I don't know where he is now and I feel responsible for any kids he's abused since. I was being emotionally and somewhat physically abused by my mom and I was so freaking terrified. I locked away all of this and refused to think about it. When I got to college I started having more and more nightmares and realized I couldn't just pretend it didn't happen anymore. Idk why I wrote all this. Just needed to let it out. Hope it helps someone somehow.

[overcomerstaystrong]

Just when I stop to breathe

When I've finally escaped

I hear

Your breath

And I know

You will never leave me

It's when I'm at my happiest

Your face sneaks in

And

Rips

It

Away

[overcomerstaystrong]

Do you see?

Me?

Am I here? Am I real?

It's just this body...

I can't feel.

[overcomerstaystrong]

Random life update

I haven't been posting a ton lately. And the reason is that I'm actually doing really well! Tumblr is my place to rant and let out my emotions so I honestly haven't needed it as much recently. After changing my antidepressant back to Zoloft and Wellbutrin, my PTSD has gotten so much better! Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you are on medications that don't work for you (like I was) or need to be on medications and are not, please let your doctor know. (If you have access to one) I waited so long to be up front with my doctor and I greatly suffered for it. Life really can get better and I'm rooting for you!

(And for those who don't have access to mental health services, I am hoping and praying you are able to get access)

[overcomerstaystrong]

You took things I didn't even have yet.

[overcomerstaystrong]

Tw csa okay to rb

(Click on the image for it to appear clearly--Tumblr is stupid I know)

[monachopsis-people]

[overcomerstaystrong]

I miss my best friend.

[writer-ace]

One thing that gets ignored a lot when it comes to mental illness is conflicting symptoms. I sleep both too much and not enough. There will be weeks or months where I’m averaging three to four hours of sleep on a weekday, but on weekends I sleep until 1 pm. Some days I don’t eat my first meal until 4 or 5 pm, while other days I comfort eat all day. All of those are symptoms of depression, and none of them invalidate each other. Manifestation of symptoms can change as a person ages, but it can also change day to do depending on other factors in a person’s life.

[problemsdisorder]

how i be feeling today

[overcomerstaystrong]

It's been 1 year...

1 year without self harming

1 year since the break up that I thought would kill me

1 year since moving to a new city all alone

1 year since starting therapy for my PTSD from csa

1 year since changing my antidepressants

1 year since starting medical school

1 year since life broke me ...and I climbed out of the rubble stronger

[lesbiangaara-deactivated2017052]

hey kids if ur parents are abusive, dont be surprised if they suddenly change all their behaviors when u finally move out, if they start acting very nice and never even allude to all those times Before when they were treating u bad. this is a form of gaslighting and if u plan to keep distant from them as an adult, this may well be the defining characteristics of ur interaction w/ them. it’s tough to navigate this, because u will almost definitely wonder: was i abused? listen… when u sit in ur own home someday, maybe w/ a loved one, and things feel good, and the past feels far away, ur abuse was not made up. ur parents really did those things, and whether or not u want to keep them out of ur life or form a new dynamic w/ them, that’s up to u. but never let them make u believe they were always good to u.

[the-tragedy-of-rav]

They don't want me.

They want my body.

My holes.

But I'm not a leaky pipe.

I don't need to be plugged.

Nothing runs through my body, I spill nothing.

They've taken all they can.

Only rot is left behind as my body decays.

That's what brings them out.

The maggots.

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

[overcomerstaystrong]

Had a flashback today for the first time in months. Worse, I have no idea what triggered it.

[doeyedangel]

Me: I’m terrified you’re going to hate me and end up leaving.

Also me: I’m a terrible horrible awful person please turn and run as far and as fast as you can away from me before I hurt you