dear god, i hate myself

alec (he/they/xe) if you know me from my main or irl no you don’t <3

[holyhoodlum]

[problemsdisorder]

been a while since i last posted on here.

me and my partner finally moved out of my dads and got a place of our own in august. i was definitely dissociating the entire 11 months we were living there and i wasn’t really able to feel anything or express my emotions. after moving into our place i started feeling everything a lot more and its been harder to cope.

i’ve realized that i’ve been depressed for months, honestly probably for over a year now, but i just haven’t been able to feel it. but i’m feeling it a lot now.

i relapsed about a week after we moved into our place in august. two days ago on boxing day i felt super bad and ended up relapsing enough that i had to go to emerg and get stitches, which i haven’t done in 2 years. it didn’t help me feel better, it never does, but it got the urge out.

we’re still struggling financially since my partner can’t find a job and i only make minimum wage which isn’t enough to support two people. we got money from family for christmas and my partner will get some for the bday next month too, so that’s helpful at least. but not consistent income. if we were more financially stable then i know i wouldn’t be feeling nearly as bad as i am. but there’s only so much i can do about that.

my physical health has been getting worse over the past 3yrs and it keeps getting worse. i’m thinking it might be hypermobile eds, and both my old dr and new dr agree that it’s a definite possibility. but there’s more stuff happening too that we’re not sure what’s causing it. haven’t been able to sleep through the night in a long time, i wake up at least twice a night. psych said i have insomnia but that doesn’t explain where it’s coming from. been getting bad headaches most days. my appetite is fucked and i’m overheating constantly. just always physically uncomfortable and in pain. i’m so tired of all these drs appointments but my body keeps deteriorating so i know i need to get it looked at now before it gets even worse.

felt like giving an update on here ig. here’s to hoping that the next update i make on here that things are a bit better.

[cptsdraw]

[cptsd-kitsune]

[rustybird]

forgive me for the wojak but it's like the only format I could think of. curse of 'who the fuck am I?'

[enmesheddaughterparentified]

Are you normal or do you have hypervigilence problems because you always had to be aware of your family members moods growing up in order to deescalate situations before the arose

[httpsuffering]

[problemsdisorder]

me and my partner and gonna have to move in with my dad bc we can’t find jobs and can’t afford our place anymore 🙃

[fuckingwhateverdude]

THERAPY SESSION #1

[tearfulangel]

[dumbsuicidalteen]

i want to look as sick as i feel so they know it's real

[dying-weeds]

[problemsdisorder]

been a while since i’ve said anything on here lmao. life keeps getting worse and worse no matter what i do and i want to give up. i haven’t felt bad like this in a while. i’m isolating from everyone and nothing is enjoyable anymore. every day is the same but it also gets worse everyday. i don’t know how much i’ve got left in me man.

also relapsed by putting my joint out on my arm twice. never done that before but i’ve thought about it a lot this is just the first time that i didn’t stop myself from doing it.

[0-0-0-untitled]

[toastyglow]

just a concept I wanted to get down. always remember there are treatments for this stuff and you can change

[smoov-criminal]

OCD symptom i struggle with but don't see talked about a lot: inability to trust your own memory and/or perception.

as an example: i put my headphones in my bag. i say im sure they're in my bag, but what if i imagined putting them in my bag? i have to check, so i stick my hand inside and grab them. but then i have to check *again* because what if i just so happened to have another object shaped and sized exactly like my headphones that i just forgot about? so i have to pull them out of my bag and look directly at them to fully confirm they were in my bag

this is a fairly benign example but this also happens with other worse scenarios for me and it's. not fun

[lev-myszkin]