Why “Hookup Culture” is Ruining Your Life
What exactly is “hookup culture?” From Wikipedia, ““Hookup culture accepts and encourages casual sexual encounters, including one night stands and other related activity, which focus on physical pleasure without necessarily including emotional bonding or long-term commitment.” Now, once in a while is not an issue. But being deeply entrenched in the culture of short term physical relationships is going to ruin the way that you think about relationships.
Short term, I get it. Sex is fun! It’s an ego boost and validation of your sex appeal (you sexy thing!). Casual sex is also not emotionally draining.
But here’s how the short term can go wrong…
Let’s get the lame stuff out of the way. More sex increases your risk of getting an STD. More sex also increases your risk of having a “bad lay.” It could be relatively benign (“and that’s why I from now on, check the weight limit of my bed before sex.”) to long term health and psychological impacts (incurable STD or the R-word for women and for men).
Using hookups for validation is also a slippery slope. What happens if you do not successfully hookup? If your positive self-image is in part dependent on other people wanting to bang you, then it is also something that can be taken away. This is what some ancient philosopher would call a “lesser good.” It’s a shit coping mechanism because you need other people being nice to you to bolster your perception of yourself for you.
Hookup culture encourages you to think about people as commodities. Sure businesses treat people as commodities (really, should they…?), but that does not mean people should treat people as commodities. People are not conquests to be won and discarded. (Unless you’re a shit eating Western Imperialist, in which case fuck you.) A pussy is a pussy. A cock is a cock. But people are not replaceable like that! You’re so much more than what you provide physically! Demand your entirety be recognized and respected and treat others with respect!
This is strictly personal anecdotal experience, but what’s caused me the most pain and regret is not failed relationships, but relationships where I did not know how they would have ended because we ran out of time. I’ve been stood up, ignored, probably given false numbers, put up with flop first dates and I barely remember them. But I’ll always remember the “what could have beens.” (Jennifer… *sad emoticon*) Being eager to move on might not be a great thing.
But the long term is what I want to write about more. (Reminder, I’m referring to frequent short term flings.)
If you want to one day be in a healthy, long term relationship, then constantly hooking up is not advancing what you want. By avoiding attachment because it is not “convenient” or it does not fit your schedule is being emotionally lazy. You are avoiding the responsibility of making a long term decision on someone. You are avoiding evaluating someone for potential and compatibility. And you are denying yourself the opportunity to learn about how long term intimate relationships work.
And let me emphasize, long term relationships are hard. A lot can go wrong when two people decide to intertwine their lives. If you want to be in a happy, successful LTR, you need to learn a lot about them, including who is worthy of a long term relationship (spoiler, not everyone is deserving!). How do you tell someone who is genuine from someone who is just saying all these nice sounding things? Who is going to abuse your trust and who is going to help you grow or self-actualize? How do you gain someone’s trust? How do you lose someone’s trust? How do you build trust? (Trust is EVERYTHING in a relationship!)
Some other questions for long term relationships…
How do you care for a long term relationship?
Are your values and life goals compatible?
What happens when you get into the dreaded “post honeymoon” phase? The lovey dovey chemical high has worn off and flaws are starting to surface. (Forgot the dishes again, huh?) Attraction may be fading. How do you handle it?
How can you tell what a “workable” problem is and what a “deal breaker” problem is?
Is the person immature and not trying to improve themselves, or are they immature and actually growing?
How will you respond when your partner has a rough patch in life and is weak, tired, and just behaving in an unattractive manner?
Is your partner going to support YOU when you go through a rough patch?
How do you communicate when you have a problem in a productive way?
When should you stick with your partner and when should you really “next” them?
Can you happily stay with your partner without wandering eyes?
What are the red flags for an abusive partner? (The number of women trapped in abusive relationships is too damn high! You could be dating me! I’ll be that unicorn mix of broody, demanding, but affectionate and caring.)
You need to be able to learn about dealing with these questions. You’ll need time and practice. And sometimes, you’ll learn through failure. It requires emotional attachment and commitment. This requires you to risk getting hurt more than hooking up could hurt you. And I will bet you actually will get hurt. But give yourself the opportunity to gain wisdom.
I believe people aspire to permanence. We want a steady, job. We want to have stable housing. We want to be remembered. We want our relationships with family, and friends to be reliable, predictable and long lasting. And we want a reliable romantic relationship in our life that is meaningful. Dating people will get you there. Hooking up is just some fun side detour. Do not get lost on the side quest. Remember the main story line and give yourself an honest shot at finding the romantic relationship you dream of.
