Today in Culinary Fuckery: BORED
We were super slow today because it was pouring down all damn day. We had another huge party in the afternoon but we were seriously mised out already. I had NOTHING to do so I picked herbs and stuck close to the grill just in case a random ticket came in.
Meantime, it was mutual Chef masturbation. This is when they demo dishes and then all run off to the Chefās office together to taste things. Its a bunch of boys comparing dick size and I find it so stupid. Ā At one point, all three of them are debating adjustments to the kidās menu- which is priced at $22 a head so its basically adult plating of kid style food. Head Chef presents these agreed upon dishes to the crew and invites us to comment.
Me: I think the replating on the grilled chicken and fries is good and the addition of ketchup is perfect because rug rats love them some dipping sauces. [general agreement from the hot line in murmurs] But the weird green crust on the baked ziti is not very kid friendly.
Chef: [blah blah blah excuses for something he has his heart set on and wonāt listen to reason about so tries to justify this stupid weird green shit] Anyone else have any comments?
Wee Man: Chef, I got a ton of kids, and every one of the little fuckers is gonna scrape that green shit off. And none of them would eat a salad with that salmon. Some carrots and steamed broccoli, yeah, but lettuce? Hells no.
Head Chef: Weāre keeping the salad.
I walk back onto the line and return to picking Alaskan King Crab legs with Other Saute Girl who suffers no fools.
Me: So, did we just get told weāre stupid by three Chefs who have zero kids between them?
Her: Apparently so. I just wanted to shout at them to make some fucking chicken fingers already and why not spaghetti and meatballs? I am so done.
I finally figured out what I hate so much about the way Asshole moves in the kitchen. His every gesture, every use of a knife, how he plates, he learned from watching cooking shows on TV. Its surreal. He has this idea of how aĀ āChefā looks and tries to mimic it at all times. I mention this theory to Wee Man.
Him: Its so fucking true. He loves that stupid shit man. He watch all those shows.
Me: How do I move in the kitchen?
Him: Like you want everyone to get the fuck out of your way or you will stab them so they run to get out of your way.
We were so slow I marched into the dish pit and calmly explained to them that the dirtiest place in the kitchen is the fucking place where we clean the fucking dishes so I would like that rectified during our down time. I usually get a bunch of attitude out of these guys but today was strangely different. One of them grabbed the step ladder and made the fucking steam cleaner gleam while another one detailed the sinks and then the ice machine. So proud. I am gonna send a note to the Chef about how good they were.