Voidox

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=RDsqf_nEL9f_g&playnext=1&si=OIw1dvtiVtc8QILH

[oxvoid]

THE GENUINENESS OF WAKING UP IN THE MORNING TO GET READY FOR WORK, BUT TODAY IS SIMPLY NOT THE DAY.

Not in the way you want things out of obligation, but in the real way, the way that makes you set your alarm earlier than necessary and go to bed the night before already looking forward to the morning. And then the body woke up with something wrong out of sickness, out of all the mornings it could have chosen, and the changing weather outside added itself to the damage, both of which resulted that today was not going to go the way I had planned, or hoped for, or been counting on.

And me in the middle of it trying to find the peace to rest when what I actually feel is lost.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

WORDS CAN POISON YOU OR THEY CAN MAKE YOU THE POISON, MOST PEOPLE HAVE DIED ON BOTH SIDES OF THEIR DAMAGE.

I know what it feels like to absorb someone else's cruelty, a slow and invisible kind of dying that happens in the chest where nobody can see it, where you keep returning to what was said and finding new ways to believe it was true. And I know the shame of having said something in anger that I watched land on another person in a way that I could not take back, that is the venom, spoken in carelessness, in such moment that no apology can fully remedy it no matter how sincerely you try.

And most of us do not talk that enough about how much power lives inside the ordinary act of opening your mouth.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

TO BE GRATEFUL FOR NOT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT IS ONE OF THE HARDEST KINDS OF THANKFULNESS THERE IS.

I am delighted for the things I wanted that never came because they kept my hands empty long enough to receive something I never thought to ask for, because want is loud and impatient and sure of itself, but need is wiser and it waits, and it knows better than you do what you are actually ready for.

And life has never given me everything I wanted, but having that said, it has never once failed to give me exactly what I needed.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

AS I GET OLDER, I THINK ABOUT THE YOUNGER VERSION OF ME OFTEN TIMES.

The one who had so many dreams but so little belief that she was actually capable of reaching them. I wish I could go back and tell her that the life ahead though far from perfect is one she will survive and even learn to be proud of, and that the hard parts do not last that long, that the right people do eventually come.

And that she is so much more than what the world made her feel.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

I WANT TO BE SEEN BUT ONLY WHEN I AM READY AND THE TRUTH IS... I DO NOT KNOW WHEN THAT WILL BE.

There is someone I imagine, someone nothing in particular who would look at the smallest version of myself and still find something worth staying for while hoping that they do not come yet because I am still here trying to make sense of why I know so much about what I am capable of and still cannot move, and being aware that much is to see myself suffer clearly enough to know the potential is there and still watch mine do nothing about it. My confidence is not so gone I think it is just buried under everything I have been afraid to try.

And the only thing that keeping me from completely losing faith is this small stubborn belief I still have that the universe is not done building me yet and so they are.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

How can I be tired when life has not shown me everything yet?

The world is still full of things I have never felt or do before, and that thought keeps me going more than anything else. Some people count their losses when they feel like giving up, but mine, I look forward at everything I have not found yet. Still, I count my first times out there that will catch me off guard, teach me something, or remind me why showing up matters.

And I cannot afford to be tired, not yet, not when there is still so much waiting.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

Maybe they think about me too and are sitting with the same doubt on the other side of the same silence.

Perhaps this distance between us is just two people waiting for the other to be brave first, or maybe I am alone in this entirely and the story I keep telling myself about mutuality is just the most comfortable lie available, still, I genuinely do not know. But ‘maybe’ is a dangerous word to build hope on and I have been burned enough times by maybe to know better than to trust it with eyes closed.

And not knowing, I have learned, is somehow the hardest place to live.

[oxvoid]

The world is on fire and somehow the people responsible for the matches are still in charge of the water.

We are living inside a system that was never designed for most of us to actually win — just comfortable enough to keep us quiet, just desperate enough to keep us working, and just divided enough to keep us from looking up and realizing that we are all burning in the same building.

And nobody is asking you to burn your life down to prove a point, participating in a broken world to survive it is just called being alive under late and early capitalism.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

Most people I have met in my life offered me nothing of who to become.

I didn't need role models as much as I needed witnesses — people whose lives I could observe closely enough to understand exactly what I was unwilling to become. Most of the people I have met served that purpose beautifully, just entirely in reverse, and so, I will burn everything before I let myself become someone like that.

And they showed me, with such harsh definition of reality who I was terrified of ending up as, and that fear built more of my character than any admiration ever did.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

Every good thing in me has her fingerprints on it somewhere.

I have met strength in many forms but none of it resembles what I watched her do, sacrificing so much of her life without ever once making me feel like a burden even in the times I must have been one.

Happy Mother's Day, Ma! I love you to the fullest!

[oxvoid]

The apology was never for them, it was the armor I wore myself.

I do apologize for things that aren't actually my fault — a reflex so deeply conditioned that sorry leaves my mouth before my brain even decides if it belongs there. I say sorry for taking up space, for having needs, for existing inconveniently in someone else's moment. Unlearning that has been one of the toughest battles I have ever fought with myself.

And it was never really about the word ‘sorry’, it was about a nervous system trained to anticipate rejection so efficiently that it offered guilt before anyone even had the chance to express disappointment.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

The ones who keep asking are the ones who keep living.

I have realized that the search for meaning is itself a kind of meaning — that the asking, the wondering, the refusing to just accept things at surface level is not a crisis but sort of calling. Some people are built to go deeper, to sit with such uncomfortable questions longer, and I think that restlessness, as exhausting as it is, is also a form of being fully alive.

And I don't think I was ever meant to stop asking, because a life spent searching for meaning is not a life wasted.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

Some people were only meant to pass through, not stay forever.

There is a kind of friendship that only survives in a specific setting — school, work, a shared season of life — and the moment that setting disappears, so does the connection. I used to take that personally. Now I understand that some relationships are contextual and that does not make them less real. It just makes them seasonal, and seasons are allowed to end.

They are only written into one chapter of your life, and forcing them into the rest of the story only teaches you how to let go.

[oxvoid]

I am somebody's answered prayer.

I have to keep reminding myself that on the days I feel like nothing. That someone, somewhere, needed exactly the kind of person I am, in exactly the season I showed up.

That thought alone is enough to keep me from disappearing into my own doubt.

—Voidox

[oxvoid]

I used to think that growing up meant having everything figured out, like a plan, a purpose, a clear direction.

But growing up, I have come to realize, is mostly just learning how to keep going when nothing seems clear. It is choosing yourself on the days you feel the least deserving, showing up even when you are running on empty.

And that trusting that the life you are quietly building will one day finally make sense.

— Voidox

[oxvoid]

Someone out there becomes less of a memory and more of a remembering, of the way the heart understand that some things are only meant to be felt from a distance.

And it goes clear that two people can mean something real and still not remain aligned as life moves forward, because growth does not always happen together, sometimes it happens apart, with different experiences, different focuses, different priorities, and different seasons of becoming, where both may get or not get each other again, not out of loss alone, but because life itself pulls attention elsewhere while both continue evolving in their own separate paths.

[oxvoid]

Some comforts don’t need to be perfect, and sometimes, it's never about the bread.

It was never really about how fresh it tasted, and not everything that helps you cope has to be extraordinary, but simple things will do like giving yourself permission to pause, to breathe, and to hold something warm in your hands when everything else felt overwhelming.