Package of Tofu

the thoughts of a girl

[packageoftofu-blog]

Lolo

“You’ve been on Guam for two years and you’re still white. You think you’d have a tan by now.” ... “You’re leaving Guam and I didn’t get to teach you how to golf. Probably because you didn’t want to get dark.”  My Lolo doesn’t think when he speaks. I am still learning not to take things too personally. My skin tone has always been an insecurity of mine. People don’t believe I’m mixed until I’m standing next to someone who is purely white. I love Lolo, I do and I always will. But God dammit, I can not live with this man. 

It’s a little suffocating. 

12.06.2017

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Hurting

I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I feel like I am. I don’t like living on Guam. I don’t like the schools, I don’t care much for the people here. There is hardly anything to do- at least when it comes to what I like to do for fun. I will admit, the beach is cool. But laziness always gets the best of me there. The sand, cleaning your car, the salt water stickiness on your body, the laundry afterwards. 

But I don’t want to leave Lolo or Lola. It is not hard to admit that I don’t like living with them, and it is affecting my relationship in a way. But that does not mean I hate them or want to live 8000 miles away from them. There are people you can love to death, but simply not stand to live in close proximity with. I’m just overwhelmed with guilt. And its hurting me. 

I don’t want to live with them, I don’t want to live here. But I don’t want to leave them forever. Their years are numbered. That is why I moved here in the first place. They have provided so much for my sisters and me, our whole family really. And they’ve given me so much in the past two years I’ve lived with them. And yet, I still find it hard to sit through a simple meal with them because my selfish, delinquent mind can’t stand the sound of slurping food from Lolo or the constant, common questions about my sisters or school. And at times, my patience to be around him for longer than ten minutes alone is always wearing thin. 

But I still love him. I love him so much. And I love Lala just the same. 

I’m unhappy living here. With the theatre ban and bar ban from Lala, my life has become bland and a little lonely. I miss my family, my sisters, my parents. I miss the city, the bookstores- I even miss the internship opportunities. 

Its just hard. I don’t know who to talk to about this. It is a battle I have every day since I announced my decision to move back. I’m counting the days until I can be with my family again, the city again. But I’m also trying to drag them out so that I don’t have to leave my grandparents. As infuriating as they can be to live with, I don’t want to leave them on this island. 

My dad always told me that this is my life. I’m not here to serve or please anyone but myself. Always respect and keep others in mind, but don’t make them my number one priority. I don’t know how to balance that. Myself and others. I’m moving back because I want to, because it really does feel right. But by moving back, I’m risking this being the last time I see my Lolo, my Lala. I risk my mom’s sister holding a silent but real grudge against me because I didn’t stomach the little flaws her parents have and stay on the island. 

It physically hurts. It is emotionally HARD. 

I wish I was older, more wise, more patient to stomach the things we disagree on or the little things that bother me. It turns me into a child when I can’t sit down and watch CSI or Hawaii Five-O for hours with them. I just hide in my room, study, read, binge on shows that will exist even when Lolo and Lola are gone... And the thing is, I KNOW I shouldn’t do that. That’s what is killing me, feeding my guilt. Is the fact that I KNOW I should spend more time with them. I just wish it were as easy as it sounds... 

For now, at least I am aware of my situation, especially as the days do tick by. I don’t know what the right decision is anymore. 

PS I’m blasting opera right now. I wanted to continue reading this Sherlock Holmes book, but it has been so slow so far. But now my head hurts from crying and trying to type . I’m going to sleep. 

11.26.2017

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I’m a BiTcH

I’m beginning to hate people again. I don’t have the patience to listen to anyone else’s problems but my own. I laugh at anyone that tries to attempt and help me, be a “true friend” to me and throw empty advice into my ears. The phrases, “They don’t get it” and “I’m above them” keep ringing, banging around my head. 

I wonder how many friends I’ll have in the years ahead. People are so annoying. They’re petty and proud. They think they know everything. 

Maybe I’m just like them. I see me in them- isn’t that what people say? You don’t get along with those who are similar to yourself? 

Whatever it is, the only people I can bear being around are my parents, sisters, and family. Everyone else is so little. 

11.25.2017

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Conflicted

School work, procrastination, packing and leaving two of my closest family members. It’s clouding my head. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t find my eyes wet with regret, excitement or doubt. Why does everyone have to live so far? Why does Guam have to be so dull? Why do I not care about losing any of the friends that I’ve made here?  Maybe dad was right. Maybe they aren’t my true friends, no matter how close we are. It all feels forced at this point. But the family? Though unbearable to live with sometimes, I can’t stand the idea of living 8000 miles away when their years on Earth are already numbered. 

I don’t know if I’m being selfish. Emotional, maybe. I know what I want- I want home, the city, my bigger family. I just can’t help but second guess every decision that I make. 

11.25.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

bout Bliss

There’s something about setting sun ray’s in a coffee shop that make everything sexier. It’s like the g-spot of my day. 

10.07.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

Coffee

I'm a regular at this coffee shop here. My usual barista is there every morning I go after the gym to study. She knows my name. Knows what I like to order. She writes "Maddy" or "Mads" on my cups. 

Sometimes she draws a little face. 

I'm leaving soon. How do you say bye to those type of acquaintances? Do you say goodbye to those type of people? The ones you see every day, but have no personal relation to? 

The Madison I am is telling me that I should say goodbye, part of me even wants to give them a token of gratitude at my leave.

Is that normal? Would we hug? Should I even ask myself these questions?

10.07.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

Idc.

Articles are telling teens that we’re not alone. They encourage us to reach out to other’s, to our peers and classmates and share our hardships and realize that we’re all going through the same struggles.  But look: I need some of y’all to stop sharing so much, to stop reminding me that you’re unhappy and struggling. I get it, obviously I do- just look at what the articles are telling you. But find a balance. Because if you keep trying to find a sob buddy, your options will soon wear thin. My shirt is soaked with your tears, and there aren’t many other dry ones out there. 

Dry up and grow up. 

10.06.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

Grow Up

The Apple camera was the only reason I wanted an iPhone in the first place. But then the addiction of sharing my life with others  really grabbed hold of me. After being bullied in high school and never really having friends, I used Snapchat to show my old classmates how cool my life really was, despite their out-of-the-blue hate for me. I can show off my travel and new friends for 24 hours?! How freaking easy is that?! I became addicted.

   Needless to say, I've had my fun. But I've grown out of that petty stage of my life (we've all had them).

09.13.2017

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College be like

"You write too much."  ... "You're such a show-off." ... "Why are you trying to be the over achiever of the class?" 

I'm sorry, I thought I was just doing my job at the STUDENT? If the professor poses an argument regarding more than one subject matter, how on Earth am I doing myself justice by replying with two to three sentences? How is that going to prove to my professor that I am a student worth his time, effort, or respect? If I choose to stay grounded with the rest of the class at the two to three sentence mark, then I can expect to stay grounded at some fast food restaurant in my adult years. Honey, I'm trying to shine. I'll wear my "over-achiever" badge with pride if that means a framed diploma, thick income and roof over my head. 💅

09.03.2017   

[packageoftofu-blog]

Sometimes

I miss home so much. I crawl up the stairs to what seems to be the warmest room in this Guam house. She said it again. Waved her arms in joy over the fact that I don’t go out at night anymore. She didn’t catch that my “awful” hair was hidden from her judgement in a bun. I guess that’s good.  I’m about to pop in the third Harry Potter and watch it for the seven-millionth time. I have my water. A banana. And CAB. Can’t forget him.  I hate this. 

09.02.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

My Goal

Should not be yesterday. My goal is tomorrow. 

[packageoftofu-blog]

Ever wonder

How are streets named? 

Where does swimsuit material come from? Where does elastic come from? Who thought of that? Why?

Who came up with the idea to soak dried up leaves and drink the water they sit in? 

07.13.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

Listen

I’ve always wanted to pursue singing...

Actually performing on stage and singing my heart out to the hard ships of whatever character I’ve been cast as. I don’t tell many this. I never thought I was good enough. 

But when someone asks you that infamous question: What do you want to do when you grow up? I am standing on stage with red curtains and an audience watching my every move.  

07.20.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

Trump

“Dad said not to buy a Trump pinata. He said we shouldn’t stoop to their level.” 

Mom: Well I’m not dad. And you bitches aren’t going to tell him either.

I love you, mama. 

08.10.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

Yellow Snakes

It is no secret and nothing new for my dreams to be vivid, long and adventurous. That’s just how my mind functions at night. 

A couple of weeks back, I had a dream that I was being chased by a yellow snake. A large one, might I add. I remember thinking, “Run back to the restaurant, go to mom.” Upon arriving back to the fast food joint, I remember noticing my ex and her new girlfriend on the other side of the room eating together by the window before. I remembered that they were the initial reason why I left the restaurant to venture outside in the first place. They were no where to be found when I came back. 

The snake followed me inside, at an impressive pace, I might add. I was forced into the bathroom, a master bathroom looking room, shower, tile floors and all. I watch my mom struggle to cover the snake’s head with a hand towel. I glance to my left to find other possible weapons, but instead find myself face to face with a half naked ex girlfriend and her new partner in the shower. 

I do not remember the rest of the dream.

08.12.2017

[packageoftofu-blog]

Loyalty & Trust

At the end of the day, all you have is you. 

[packageoftofu-blog]

Halloween

ERROR 401: costume not found. 

08.13.2017