Drifting through cyberspace...

...hopped up on chronic pain with a dash of mental illness.

[painfullyspecial]

Oh no, I've disappeared into the mist...

[painfullyspecial]

My new mantra: I am shitballs fucking amazing!!

[painfullyspecial]

I feel like a root bound plant. So ready and so stuck.

[painfullyspecial]

I want to go home. It no longer exists. I am my own home. Repeat cycle.

[painfullyspecial]

Feeling so depressed I could puke. Trying to stay in my cocoon.

[painfullyspecial]

🎶 There's a hole in my soul, dear life, dear life. There's a hole in my soul, dear life, a hole. 🎶 Well fix it, you dummy, you dummy, you dummy. Well, fix it, you dummy, fix it. 🎶

[painfullyspecial]

I feel like I'm juggling, but I don't know exactly how many balls I have, I can't look up to check without dropping any and I have no idea how to juggle.

[painfullyspecial]

"Later, as he sat on his balcony eating the dog, Dr. Robert Laing reflected on the unusual events that had taken place within this huge apartment building during the previous three months."

[painfullyspecial]

[painfullyspecial]

Will I cough up a furball

When reading the tabloids

Doctors pulled my gerbil

Will I meet a new boyfriend

Or will i be porked by martians

And bare their children?

[painfullyspecial]

Seriously, if I had to deal with all of my pre-hysterectomy symptoms on top all of these other symptoms, my borderline personality symptoms would probably kill me... 😳

[painfullyspecial]

PMDD

I've been reading random histamine stuff here and there eventually stumbling on a random PMDD association.

I was diagnosed with PMDD in 2017 and got a hysterectomy in 2018. I just want to put it out there that while I do still have hormone issues it is NOTHING like before I had a hysterectomy. I still fly off the handle and go insane, but it's like now I can eventually stop/notice and go reclusive until I calm down. Hormones are still an issue, no doubt. I still keep track (kind of - just an app). I still get routine migraines associated to my cycle I swear. I still get the rages... just not the blind rages.

And, OH MY GOD, I tracked my moods for over 2 years and I'm finally done!! {Hormones still affect me, but my levels are all normal and I am definitely not menopausal - they checked 5 times in 7 months.}

[schmergo]

World Mental Health Day pro tip:

If you have a uterus and notice that you have weird recurring spells of intensely Bad and Doomed Feelings interspersed with feeling fine, keep track of when you do, because it might directly linked to your hormones. If you feel like there’s an awful dark curse on you but only for about 1/4 or 1/3 of the month, it could be PMDD and that is no joke.

[painfullyspecial]

I've spent all this time trying to get it into my doctor's head that there's something wrong and now he finally feels there's something else besides a kidney stone. ......... My husband now is convinced that I only have a kidney stone. 🤦‍♀️ Seriously, are all men this infuriating?

[painfullyspecial]

I'm defenseless

It keeps getting hotter

It's rough and it's reckless

Between wind and water

[painfullyspecial]

Well, I'm devastatingly miserable today. 🎉

[painfullyspecial]

I realize now my doctor didn't even look at my results before the moment he did. He didn't mention a kidney stone in relation to anything until the very last part of our appointment. Not once...