just trying to not die

if you're here, I'm honestly surprised. welcome to where I post things I dont necessarily expect anyone to see...in fact, that's why I post it here.

[pandakabu]

So I'm seeing someone...kinda...

... and it sucks sometimes when you want to go spend time with someone and talk to them, but they have to study for finals and you don't wanna be annoying when this, whatever you wanna call is, is so new.

I know that you said that you're there for me and I CAN bug you, but I know you need this study time and sleep.

But dammnit, sometimes I just wanna knock on your door and kiss you. But I also don't wanna be too much and upset you.

But is me being passive and stepping back making you think I don't care? Cause I do. I hope you know. I think you know.

Can finals be over already. 😣

[pandakabu]

There's something halfway between relaxing and terrifying in the silence of walking around at almost 3 in the morning.

Maybe that's why I used to sneak out and go on runs at this time in middle and high school.

Maybe it's partially because I know the slight risk associated with being out by myself at this time of night in a big city and I'm okay with it.

Maybe it's partially because time seems slower.

Whatever it is...I enjoy it.

[pandakabu]

I know I have an amazing support system on multiple fronts, who want me to tell them, but how can I? I dont even know how to bring it up.

Do I just message our group chat?

I dont want to bring things down.

Its not as bad when I'm with them in person so I forget and I'm too socially awkward to bring it up anyway.

I just...dont know.

[pandakabu]

Saturday is for the boys... Aka my pirate buddies that I play dnd with. #dnd #pirates #saturdaysarefortheboys (at Around the Table) https://www.instagram.com/p/BrtGctOHwfq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ssq1j02h3bmx

[cherubesk]

Dbdjkreeoem

[7thblacksheep-deactivated201907]

I just took the deepest sigh

[pandakabu]

6/10 would jump again Last rally of the year ended with a splash...multiple.. with many of the band jumping in the drumheller fountain! (at University of Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/BqRaKFUnLmM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ke5ye55gsqrl

[pandakabu]

Get Hype!!!! #shakespeare #twelfthnight (at Green River College) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpaDQYunMhJ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=fnrmnyglq9rr

[trainthief]

There needs to be more women composing music. Women have beautiful things to say whereas every male composer for the last 5 years has just been trying to recreate Hans Zimmers Dark Knight score in a different key

[trainthief]

update: just read an interview with Hans Zimmer where he said “A lot of female composers I know are better than me…. Shirley Walker could write a kick-ass action cue better than I ever could, so take that risk.” When you’re right you’re right. 

[trainthief]

On the subject of female composers, everyone PLEASE listen to Caroline Shaw. She’s the youngest person ever to win the Pulitzer Prize for Music and she’s been brought in for collabs by Kanye - the king of vocal production - because her choral work is so tight. This piece in particular, if you just sit and let the whole thing come together for you, is in my opinion really transformative. She deserves WAY more attention.  

[pandakabu]

When you don't like coffee but you keep falling asleep at work. #starbucks #mondays #whyamisotired

[pandakabu]

Celebratory menchies for getting in to #kkpsi officially. (I TOTALLY didn't get $10 worth of menchies and eat it in under 5 minutes) 😋 (at Menchie's University Village)

[batmanisagatewaydrug-deactivate]

gifted student™ brains are about as functional as horses when you get right down to it 

[batmanisagatewaydrug-deactivate]

which sounds like a shit post but consider: horses? hypothetically MADE for running. look at this magnificent muscle beasts. look at those legs. they must be so good at running, right? wrong. horses are fragile as fuck. horses break their gotdamn legs so so easily, and if they break their legs you just have to fucking shoot them. if they run, the thing they are MADE FOR, too fast their lungs will start bleeding. I just googled horses to see if I was missing anything and apparently if they lie down for a day their organs start collapsing or something so they can’t rest from their One Horse Purpose even when they’re hurt. they’re made to do one thing but they can only do it under Very Specific Conditions and if a single thing changes they just die.

 which, you know. gifted students™ get applauded for being naturally smart when we’re five or whatever and then develop a terrible inflated sense of self that makes us highly averse to anything we’re not naturally good at, because it challenges our fragile childbrain egos and if we wait too long we’ll develop mental fences around entire subjects and skillsets (mine are math and studying) because we think we’re Bad at them, when in reality we just need to practice but are frustrated by that because it’s harder than being ~naturally talented~ was. we get applauded for doing One Thing but the second we run into slightly different things that our brains don’t comprehend as readily? it’s a Bad Time. I still have so much anxiety over things I don’t feel Naturally Talented at that I’ve been sitting here writing this post for like 10 minutes rather than read the feedback on my religion paper. I got a 100% on it, but I’m still That Scared of anything other than straight heaps of praise because that’s what my childbrain was acclimated to. just send me to the glue factory already. 

[pandakabu]

Finally got a foundation the matches my skin tone. Being super pale has always been a problem and most foundations make me look yellow or orange. The last foundation I was "matches too was too dark for me and worked for a good friend if mine(who is easily 5 shades darker than I am). So far this #fentybeauty foundation has been working marvelously. Can't wait to try more new makeup! #paleproblems #makeup (at Kent, Washington)

[pandakabu]

Last night announced the official end of the season for the 2017 Husky Marching Band. Lots of food and lots of feelings. Everyone graduating will be dearly missed but I'm excited to see what rookies we get next year. #godawgs #hmb #huskies (at Washington Husky Football)

[pandakabu]

Fun day yesterday with my #kappakappapsi family yesterday for Rotado and second degree! We took lots of pictures including this one of me and my line(big brothers and little brothers) #musicalfraternity #schunke photo credit to my big brother Allison Nelson (at University of Washington)

[pandakabu]

Straightened my hair and tried some stuff from my new #playbysephora box. My hair is so long now! (at Bellevue, Washington)

[pandakabu]

Went out with this one earlier #sister #shopping #loveya (at Kent, Washington)

[pandakabu]

New guard gloves came in 😍 #guard #present #designsbyking