Completely unrelated to my usual content, but I really felt this needed to be out there. First time making video content for fandom so sorry if it's a bit stiff. This isn't meant to be a ship/couple edit, just thought the song would fit.
Game: Genshin Impact
Song: King and lionheart (Of monsters and men)
Don't worry regulars, I'll get to work on some Dottore stuff next :D
So am genderfluid, and am i the only one bc whenever i tell people i am genderfluid i just feel so judged so i just tell them am trans, bc am scared of judgement but also i just wish to be myself and express myself bc i do actually really experience dysphoria in all ways… i think am going crazy because of it. Like i dont know, low key just wanna say fuck it guys am gender fluid but i am scared that people would just see me as the gender i was assigned at birth (and that would make me probably so mentally unstable bc of all the dysphoria and shit) like idk what to do :,)
Scara was known for being pretty clever and good at school, well at least to you… you saw him as a popular guy, who doesn’t really care about it all that much. You saw him more of an introverted and clever, even if his grades weren’t always perfect. You knew him, but never talked to him as he was always so busy with his own things and if he did hang out or talk to people they were mostly totally different types of people than you are.
But at akademiya you were assigned to have a project with Scara and that made you happy yet nervous. The project is pretty important as it’s for your final’s, it could take months to finish it but that was fine by you as you had all this time to work on it and now with Him. He approached you with his usual look but his eyes seemed to be slightly less open than usual. He looked done. Scara sat next to you as he was assigned to work with you and looked at you directly into your eyes and sight “well, i already saw you looking at me before… this better be a good grade, ok?” You could only simply nod to him and listen to your professor talk about each subject of everyone’s projects.
Even if you didn’t talked to him before, even if you knew he might not like you, you knew him and his name, you got your sources and found stuff about him before and thats why you were so happy now, you might even get to know more.
After months of working on this project with scara, you got kinda closer, he invited you to his place and you to yours, sometimes you even went out to eat together, yet still to talk about the project.
As you found out little details about him you couldn’t help but to smile at times, but all through this time you knew he was sad. You knew he had alot of stuff going on and you tried your best to be helpful and that happy energetic person around him even if he kinda found it annoying at times.
Night before the finals at the akademiya you tried to find him, to see how he’s doing as you saw he was mentally worse day by day. You tried to look at his place but he was not there, you looked around the school, he was not there, you tried looking at the library, shops, fast food stalls, restaurants, everywhere, you couldn’t find him. WHERE DID HE GO? DID HE HURT HIMSELF? DID HE RUN AWAY? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Your mind was full of worries and questions, but as you were about to tear up from all this stress you see a cigarette smoke coming up from the top of a abandoned building and a small figure looking up to the sky. When you saw that it was Scara you ran towards him, you ran up to that building and when you came to the top you just stood there looking at him trying to catch some air, breathing loudly and just looking at him noticing and observing whats going on, you saw stuff you shouldn’t have, you saw his red eyes that were still watery, you saw his hands that were full of small cuts and blood, you tried to look away but his blood couldn’t stop coming from his new freshly cut flesh and after all, his expression. You felt guilty, the guilt felt even worse as you saw his eyes widen, you saw that his face spoke “you shouldn’t have come, you shouldn’t have seen me like that… please” he seemed just so disappointed but looking at you back he knew he cant undo what you seen now. His mind was full of regrets and guilt as well all he was thinking was, SHIT THEY FOUND ME… AM I. WHY AM I SO STUPID, I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT AT HOME. THEY PROBABLY THINK AM JUST.. I MEAN I AM…JUST A DISAPPOINTMENT NOW.
He took another drag of his cigarette and than look away from you. His voice was cold and seemed as if he tried to cover the fact that he will break down in any second “what are you doing here. Leave”
Were you supposed to leave? No. As he saw you come closer he couldn’t help but to feel embarrassed and discomfort but he didn’t say anything, he slowly felt your hand caressing his own cuts which broke him, that you now have his own blood on your hands just to make him feel better, he didn’t look at you because he felt his tears coming back, he teared down and wiped his tears with his other hand.
“Thank you, y/n” thats all you could hear him say, in his now more softer voice. He felt your hand caressing him and through time he slowly got closer to you and looked at you as he asked you “it might sound weird, but why are you so nice to me? Do you genuinely want to help me or is it because you feel the need to help me?
His question was stupid to you and as you told him that you genuinely care for him he slightly smiled and he tried to cuddle up to you yet in still distant way. He closes his eyes and throws the cigarette away, he wants to feel your gentle and genuine affection as much as his body can. Even if he was in tears, he felt safe, he felt like he can trust you, he knew you for some time now and saw what person you are. That you didn’t judge him as you saw him bleeding out. He felt warmth and he felt comfortable, but all of those feelings made him silently cry even more as he didn’t receive them in such long time. You stroking through his hair made him think of it how would it feel if his mother ever did that, if his mom would be there for him as she created him, his memory was full of unsureness, but being caressed made me think of his mom, wishing for his mom to come and show him affection to show him he loves him, to show him that she is proud of him, to show him that he belongs somewhere and he has somewhere to go but his void in his chest hurt it hurt him that he will never ever experience any type of motherly love. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME, WHY COULDNT I JUST BE DESTROYED IF SHE DIDN’T LIKE HE OWN CREATION. MAKING ME FEEL THIS FEELING IS WHAT IS CRULE… KILLLING ME… WOULD BE FAR MORE BETTER.
He cried silently but didn’t want to let you know that, he felt cold, he felt sad and alone, crying now into your arms made him feel shy but all comfort hurt him more, all this made him cry more. He was a mess, he didn’t know if he is feeling anger or sadness or does he feel something more complicated, but does it really matter? All he knew was, that he wanted to belong somewhere, to be someone. All your precious fingers caressing him made him more sad and more miserable but through time hearing your heartbeat, hearing your voice speaking something he couldn’t clearly hear and your touch. Your gentle fingers start to feel nice on his back, start to feel comforting and lovingly in not a so sad way anymore. He felt like he can get closer and as he looked up at you with his pretty desperate eyes and said quietly “can we stay like that for some time, please” you guys stayed cuddling together and you kept on caressing him through the night, even if he couldn’t get it enough.
When the next day arrived and you saw him, he felt so embarrassed and awkward. He was back to being cold but he seemed to be more soft around you but he still said “let’s forget about yesterday, okay?” After you two passed the finals he took you out for lunch and this time he seemed like as if he sees you as part of his family. He even says it and you couldn’t help but to smile and told him that you here for him.
(I feel kinda shitty so here you go some scara angst)
Scara was struggling to adept to his new life, all the akademiya expectations and pressure from people was getting him slowly as he didn’t know much how to deal with all of that stuff.
Deep down he wanted to let his now new friends know who he was and to rely on them. To maybe get a chance of comfort, as he still struggled with his trauma.
He would usually wake up in the middle of the night thinking of his past, quietly screaming into his pillow, looking around himself and quietly crying to himself as he tried to calm himself down“its fine, we are fine… we are fine, we got this, i… got this”
When he stopped crying he stood up and as usual he goes to sit on his chair at the desk, looking at his small mirror trying to understand his own face and figure, as he puts his legs up on chair and holds them tightly with his arms in his quiet room, he doesn’t really know how to feel or what to feel. IS THIS A NORMAL FEELING, AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL THIS, WHY AM I EVEN FEELING THIS IF I DONT EVEN HAVE A … IF….IF MY…
he tries to hold his own chest looking for his heart beat with a disappointment on his face as a tear slowly reached down to his cheek. He changes his position and put his hands on his desk and lay on his own arms reaching for some warmth that felt like he never gotten as his tears started to run and his swollen eyes start to hurt.
He was now just laying on his own arms crying in his own cold little room and slowly dozing to sleep with his watery tears, it was sad that he was to stubborn to say anything to his friends as they would definitely be there for him but he knew he would feel to much of a burden to them.
His dreams were nice and he couldn’t help but to wake up embarrassed of remembering of his last night.
(I know its bad, its my first angst and am not English native speaker so..)
