Kensie

22~Pansexual~I don't even know anymore 

[panwithaplan97]

Whats best for me

Fairly certain that the one friend that stood by me last year now thinks I’m having a breakdown.

I was raped last october.

It started a bunch of bullshit.

I lost all (except one) of my friends.

The friend that stuck with me now thinks I’m having a mental breakdown.

I deleted my Snapchat.

I deleted my Twitter.

I deleted my personal insta. (Sushi still has his)

I disbanded my D&D group

I’m slowly pushing people out.

Not because I’m having a breakdown

But because I am putting myself first.

Because I’m working on my mental health

Because I’m making a conscious decision to only put the effort in for people who would put the same effort in for me

This friend has not been a great friend

This friend stuck by me during my hardest months of 2018, but is pushing me out

He acts like he cares, but not enough to respect when I ask him not to talk about my rapist

He acts like he wants me around, but not enough to actually invite me to join

So no, I’m not having a breakdown

I’m doing whats best for me  

[panwithaplan97]

Reeee

8/10/2019

Fam, the last 24 hours have been interesting.

My shift at work last night was supposed to be 3pm-11pm.... until I got a text at 9:30pm from the on-call manager saying that I had to stay till 7am...

Watched Gilmore Girls and chugged redbull all night, cause I'm not allowed to sleep at work. Got one hour of sleep after work because my dad was coming.

My dad came and brought me a bigger bed and met my cat, Sushi.

My dad gave me validation in a way I never knew I needed.

He told me that he can tell I'm doing better. He told me that I seem happier and closer to my old self. He said he could see that I was trying to get better after everything that happened and that hes proud of me. That literally made my day.

Then I got 2 more hours of sleep before I was woken up with a late lunch invite from the boy-toy, who then told me I looked dead.

Now I'm watching more Gilmore Girls with Sushi

[panwithaplan97]

Update

8/4/2019

Fun Facts:

1. I moved into my new apartment!! Its been a weird adjustment because I went from sharing a 3 bedroom apartment to living by myself in a studio. But it's been awesome

2. I GOT A CAT. His name is Sushi and he is the most adorable, little cuddle bug EVER! I love him more than any human being in my life

3. Pretty sure offended my boyfriend when his friends asked if we were living together with how quick I was to say 'no'. But its all good

4. Went to wateramma and totally peed in my aunt's back yard while waiting for her to drive me home after the street dance

Now I'm close to being done with this 16 hour shift, half of which I've spent watching Fairy Tail

[panwithaplan97]

Well,

7/20/2019

So, I'm 5 hours into my 12 hour shift

Client woke up at 8am for meds

Went back to bed

It is noon and she is still asleep....

Idk if I should wake her for lunch or leave her be

She doesnt have more meds until 2p

I've been watching TV

Its storming outside

We cant go anywhere because of the storm

I honestly dont know what to do

[panwithaplan97]

Tumblr, what is you doing??

7/16/19

I wrote a post about sleep

Apparently my connection failed

Now the post no longer exists

[panwithaplan97]

Exciting stuff

So, theres a few things that are happening that I'm super excited for.

The first, is that I move in 2 and a half weeks! I'm moving from a 3 bedroom with roommates to a studio apartment. It will be just me myself and I and I've never been so excited!!!! I'm also gonna get a cat and name it Pixel🙃

The second is that I've enrolled in an online university to be able to continue towards my bachelor's degree! I'm excited to get back into classes and finally earn my degree!!

These are things that may not seem exciting to everyone, but they're super exciting to me

[panwithaplan97]

Impulsiveness

7/7/19

I dont know why, but I've been feeling so impulsive lately

It gets to the point where the only thing that stops me is lack of money

It gets to the point where I'll call my boyfriend because he tends to be my voice of reason

He reminds me why I cant do that now

He reminds me why I need to wait

He tells me that it can happen, just not now

I'll call him and acknowledge that I'm lacking logical thinking and need someone who is more logical than I can ever be

It has gotten so bad that I havent been able to make the big purchases that I've been planning for months

Do I just need a change in mindset?

Or is it something more

[panwithaplan97]

Religion

7/6/2019

This was something that has been on my mind lately, mostly because I had to bring a client to bible camp...

Most of my friends think that I'm not a religious person, but it isnt the case

I am religious

I'm religious in my own way

I believe that God wants us to be loving, forgiving and kind towards everyone living being, no matter the differences

Whether it's a difference of religion

Of political views

Of gender identification

Of romantic preferences

Of morals

Of lifestyle

I grew up Catholic, and most of my beliefs and morals come from that. What saddens me today is seeing so many who call themself Christian or Catholic being so hateful to people. Hateful for stupid reasons.

They aren't willing to sit and have a conversation about their differences

They aren't willing to attempt to understand that people around them

They aren't willing to show love to someone because of

[panwithaplan97]

It's been awhile

7/6/19

*****TRIGGER WARNING*****

So fam, it's been awhile.

Not much has changed

I've decided to take some time off of school, I took last semester off and will either go back this fall or in the winter and am planning on going to an online university.

Only people who know what happened in the fall understand, and not even everyone who knows understands

I cant seem to explain well enough to my dad, that even though my rapist doesn't go to my university, it's still hard to motivate myself to go, just in case I see him

I cant seem to explain it enough to my friends that I dont care if they hang out with him, just dont tell me about it because simply hearing his name triggers my panic attacks and I wont be able to sleep that night.

I couldnt seem to explain it enough to the officer running my case that it took so long for me to report it because I wanted to forget it happened. I wanted to pretend it didnt. That's why theres messages sent to my attacker saying to 'not worry about it.' I wanted to forget. I wanted things to go back to normal. I didnt want to loose all the friends I lost just for coming forward.

It's been a hard road to recovery. I walked away 2 friends from that group. Sure, the ones I lost werent worth keeping, but it still hurts. I've spent the last few months trying to put myself back together. The guy I'm dating and my best friend have been really helpful with that. They've been patient and understanding.

I finally feel like I'm in a good place. Like I'm actually getting my life back together. I'm glad I can find myself able to write one of these again. Hopefully my next post will be a happier one.

[panwithaplan97]

TRIGGER WARNING

10/8/18

*trigger warning*

I'm going to start with this is the story of my rape, just to make sure I dont trigger anyone.

So, there's this guy that I had been sleeping with for a couple of weeks. Nothing serious, just kind of a friends who fuck situation. This last Friday, he showed up at my apartment around 1:30 in the morning, drunk off his ass.

We spent an hour talking, about his past struggles and his current struggles and I listened because that's all I know how to do.

Then he started getting aggressive. He was randomly grabbing at me and shaking me and forcing me to face him. Then he started insisting on sex. And everytime I'd say no and push him away, hed grab me and insist again. I was so scared that I just caved. I caved and I waited for it to be over. I caved and let him fuck me as hard as he possibly could, let him hurt me physically in the process. All I could do was hope that it would be over quickly. So that I could go to bed and try to forget it ever happened. Try to pretend it didnt because we are in the same friend circle.

Seems to be all I can do at this point is just try to pretend that everything is ok.

I've only told 2 people. I cant stand to be around him. I've cried myself to sleep every night since and I dont know what to do

[panwithaplan97]

10/4/2018

Would it really be that bad to just never want to get married?

My parents seem to be trying to paint my future for me. They have it all planned out. I meet someone before I graduate, find a job, get married and have kids.

My parents act like I am personally attacking them every time that I mention that I don’t know if I want to get married. That that's kind of the last thing on my mind. I have so many other things I want to do, that I could care less about getting married. Being single forever just doesn’t seem that bad. If i get relocated for work, I don’t have to worry about my partner or kids having to move too. I want to be able to just up and travel, to up and do whatever I please without worrying about everyone at home. Is that really so bad?

I KNOW I don’t want to have kids though. That’s for sure. And I have a fair set of reasons for that. I grew up watching my parents refusing to tell us “no” while also struggling to make ends meet. I grew up with a mother who got such bad postpartum depression that turned severe depression that she couldn’t get out of bed even to feed my siblings and I.

My legit biggest fear for my future is that I turn out like my mother. People keep telling me that my determination to not be like her will be enough to keep me from turning into her but somehow I still don’t believe it. I’m sitting here doing everything I possibly can though. Watching for signs of depression, ensuring I’m using protection, finishing my college degree. Everything my mother couldn’t do.

[panwithaplan97]

Lilo and Stitch

9/4/2018

So, I’ve had my guinea pig, Stitch, since April. She’s always been this little, scared potato! Honestly, all it took was for me to hit a key on my key board to scare her into her shelter.

Well, I read that guinea pigs do a lot better when they live with another guinea pig and my boss just happened to have one that she was looking to get rid of.

So, it seemed like common sense to take her, right??

Well, what I didn’t know is that when introducing guinea pigs to each other, you need to have at least about 10 square feet PER GUINEA PIG for he introduction.

Long story short, I don’t have 20 square feet of space so Lilo and Stitch have been having some issues learning to coexist.

[panwithaplan97]

8/31/2018

Given I had gotten most of my homework done yesterday, I decided to give myself a chance to read during my internship today

Not gonna lie, a little disappointed that they dont have too much for me to do, especially as they have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to think of things. But oh well

[panwithaplan97]

8/30/2018

SO LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. It's only the first week of classes and I'm already falling behind in 3 of my 4 courses😅

Good news is, that I can play a little catch up during my internship!!

[panwithaplan97]

8/23/2018

Picture this: You're just chilling with your dad, watching some Big Brother and your boyfriend hits you up and says "Hey, did Brandon (fake name for the sake of everyone involved) talk to you" and then you have to spend the next HOUR trying to figure out what Brandon was supposed to talk to you about cause your boyfriend wont tell you and all Brandon will say is that it's about this weekend...... Finally figured out that Brandon need a place to stay this weekend and decided to wait to ask until 24 hours before hand... these two are gonna be the death of me

[panwithaplan97]

One week more

8/19/2018

I’m seriously so psyched that classes start a week from tomorrow and that I get to head back to college on Friday.

This summer has been ok, but I’m ready to be back in classes and have something to do and people to hang out with day and night.

That’s literally all I have to say about that.

[panwithaplan97]

"If you would just use your head"

8/12/18

My dad is one of those people who rarely say anything nice to you. Hes also the type to kick you when you're already down and then tell you you're too soft when you confront him about it. He finds every possible flaw that he can and starts ridiculing them one by one and then questions how you can be so upset with him. "If you weren't such an idiot, I wouldn't make fun of you" tends to be his catch phrase or "well it's just common sense" about something that's only common sense to him, not the people around him... making it not common sense.

And that's all he did this weekend. Everything I did, everything I said was stupid and idiotic and he just had to comment everytime. He doesnt understand when to stop, when it isnt a good time to make a comment or when a comment isnt necessary. He just runs his mouth and then asks me why I'm having an anxiety attack in the middle of an archery shoot.... he just doesnt get it and wont listen when anyone tries to explain it.

I'm thoroughly convinced that hr is the source of every little insecurity and self doubt that I have....