(Oh my goshβ¦how has it been TWO. YEARS. since my last First Lines Friday post?!?)
Today's featured book is a newly published DEBUT queer historical romantasy, with many fascinating aspects including a 1910s NYC setting, beautiful illustrations and one mysterious merman. Can you guess which book this might be?
Visit my blog post to read the first few lines! π
Mini-Review: 'Messy Roots: A Graphic Memoir of a Wuhanese-American' by Laura Gao
Every time I struggled to fit into the world around me, I thought if I flew far enough away, like Changβe, the perfect home would magically appear. But when your roots are tangled up across so many different places, that perfect world may not exist.
Rating:
5/5 paper planes
Whatβs This Book About?
Genre: Graphic memoir; LGBTQIA+; Coming of Age, Asian-AmericanPublication: 8 March 2022Pages:β¦
Review: 'The Ivory Key' ('The Ivory Key', #1) by Akshara Raman
βI donβt think anyone loses any part of themselves just because they embrace another aspect of their identity.β
Rating:
4.5/5 paper planes
Whatβs This Book About?
Genre: YA Fantasy (secondary world, India-inspired); Quest (treasure hunt)/adventurePublication: 4 Jan 2022 Pages: 384 (hardcover)
Synopsis: Four siblings. A country in ruin. One quest to save them all.
Vira is desperate to getβ¦
Review: 'Virginia Lane is Not a Hero' by Rosalind Stopps
Iβm a little worried about the baby who lives two doors down. I havenβt seen her much and I canβt quite shake a feeling that something bad may be happening.
Rating:
4.25/5 paper planes
Whatβs This Book About?
Genre: Thriller; Contemporary; WomenPublication: 29 Aug 2024Pages: 416 (paperback)
Synopsis:
Ever since her beloved Jed died, all Virginia wants is to be left alone. But the littleβ¦
Review: 'Violet Made of Thorns' ('Violet Made of Thorns', #1) by Gina Chen
[ID: βBook Reviewsβ and βSabrina @ Notes From a Paper Plane Nomadβ in lilac and yellow text on a space-themed background.]
As the saying goes: every future is earned and no destiny is without blood.[All quotes are from the ARC, subject to change in the final version]
Rating:
4/5 paper planes
Whatβs This Book About?
Genre: YA Fantasy; RomancePublication: 26 July 2022Pages: 368β¦
third year running taking part in @grishaversebigbang and a third year of fun (and this time i signed up for a fic that broke my heart!)
GVBB always inspires me to try something new π
Anyway go read the brilliant modern AU fic (it made me cry) and the absolutely stunning artwork ππΌ
Etherealki: @dregstrash and @wafflesandkruge (read the fic here!)
Materialki:Β @tessorange-art (x) and @iri-lynx (art piece)
Fic summary below (the working title was 'zoyalai but make it hurt' and the accuracy is unreal):
Zoya ends things with Nikolai on a Tuesday. She walks out of their shared home with nothing except the clothes on her back and a secret that's eating her alive. But before there was an end, there was a beginning.
Or, the story of Zoya and Nikolai in two parts.
(this story lived under a document entitled: zoyalai but make it hurt
my second piece for the @grishaversebigbang based on the amaaazing fic "something is forever (either way, it ends)" by @dregstrash and @wafflesandkruge!!
give some love to my fellow wonderfully talented artists too!!
Zoya ends things with Nikolai on a Tuesday. She walks out of their shared home with nothing except the clothes on her back and a secret that's eating her alive. But before there was an end, there was a beginning.
Or, the story of Zoya and Nikolai in two parts.
Ao3 Link
Excerpt of Chapter 1 below the cut
Zoya was going to throw up.
She could feel her mouth watering in preparation for it, but she grit her teeth trying to tame it back.
βWhatβI donβtββ Nikolai was pale now. The palest she had ever seen him. And it did not look good.
In another setting, in another time, she would have teased himβtold him that his good looks did have their limits. He would roll his eyes, of course. Then he would laugh and quirk up his mouth to an approximation of a smolder. Then heβd approach her with that same stupid look plastered on his face. And even if she turned away or clasped her hands over his face, he would make her look at him. He would stick his face so close to hers until she could see that ridiculous, beautiful, silly face until she broke. Until she was also laughing and smiling and wrapping her arms around himβ
She gripped the handle of a suitcase tighter, a vague attempt of grounding her to this moment.
To this dreadful, heartbreaking moment.
βNikβIβmβIβm sorry. I just think weβreβgoing in separate directions.β Her voice was crystal clear. Like ice.
Which was odd, because everything in her seemed to be crashing and burning.
βWhat did I do?β He burst out suddenly. The paralysis that had overtaken him was ripped away to be replaced with something a bit more panicked. βPlease. I justβI donβt know what youβre saying to me right now. What did I do?β
She could feel the pressure in her head start to build. Her vision going in and out.
No. Not now.
She coughed and looked away from him.
βI donβt know how to be any clearer, Nikolai. I think itβs been clear that you and I justβdonβt work.β
βIs it because I didnβt take you with me on that last business trip?β He asked. βIs it that I didnβt take your advice on that last legal issue I had with some of the product we were moving? Zo, please look at me. I just need to know what I did, so I can make some sense ofββ
βItβs nothing that you did!β She snapped. Her eyes went back to him, and her resolve almost crumbled right then and there.
His face had changed from a deathly white to an angry red. His hands buried in his hair in a manic gesture. He was the perfect picture of a man who looked like he was surprised to find himself at the edge of a cliff, and wasnβt sure if he had a way to get down safely.
And Zoya had to be the one to push him over.
βLook,β She sighed, βWeβve both been busy with work. You have that new merger coming up, and I have a new case that is going to take my time. And itβs been like that for some time. I just think weβre drifting apart. And Iβd rather end things now than wait for us to just realize we stopped loving each other.β
She turned to leave, but Nikolaiβs hand grabbed her arm, making her face him again.
Another roll of nausea washed over her, and this time she had to swallow down the bile that was dangerously close to rising up.
βThatβs it?β He demanded. βThatβs all youβre going to say? That weβre both too fucking busy?β
βIββ
βZoya, you and I have been busy our entire fucking relationship! We have gone weeks without seeing each other. We have been countries apart. Why are you doing this now?!β His hand gripped the fabric of her coat tighter. βIs it someone else?β
βNo!β Zoya cried out.
βIs Aleksander back?β
βNo.β Zoya replied.
βThenββ The fight seemed to leave him. The grip on her coat was weaker. βThenβdoβ do you not love me anymore?β
She needed to agree. She needed to confirm his worst fear, so that he could hate her. So that he could let her go. But the words werenβt coming out.
The lie was too bitter on her tongue for them to come out in any disguise of truth.
Instead she just released herself from his grip and took a step back. She needed distance. She needed space.
Because if she spent one more second being close enough to touch him, she would stay.
And she canβt stay.
βNikolaiβ¦I justβ¦think we should just be happy for what we had.β Now her throat felt like it was closing in on itself. βI donβt think we were meant to last forever.β
She was seeing spots in her vision again, but it wasnβt enough to block the devastated look that crossed his face.
It wasnβt enough for her to ignore the way she had completely shattered him.
She turned again, and this time he didnβt grab her. She walked towards theirβhisβ door, but stopped when she heard a faint, βPlease.β
Zoya glanced behind her shoulder one last time.
Nikolai was framed in the kitchen doorway. The only light coming from the lamp of the dining room.
βPlease, Zoyaβ¦pleaseβ¦ stay.β
She had joked with him once that he would be the type to beg for anything if it gave him attention. He had responded with his usual smirk and challenged her to itβlike he always did.
Looks like she won.
The victory felt like the first of many knives into her heart.
βGoodbye, Nikolai.β
The door shut behind her as she left, and she made it all the way to her car before she collapsed on the sidewalk, her legs finally giving out.
With shaking hands she took her phone out. Zoyaβs heavy breathing was all that she could hear until Genyaβs βHello?β was in her ear.
βI need you to come pick me up, and take me to the hospital. I think Iβm getting worse.β
-
βI am sorry, Miss Nazyalensky,β The doctor said. She had a perfectly sympathetic look that Zoya wanted to slap right out of her. βYour results have come in, and it looks like your symptoms are progressing faster than we had expected.β
The beeping of the machines next to her was making her right eye twitch.
βWhat the hell does that mean?β
The hospital gown was rubbing at her skin all wrong.
βIt meansβ¦it means we might have to adjust yourβ¦life expectancy.β
It was too bright in this room. She wished they would turn the lights down just a little.
βMiss Nazyalenskyβ¦we are expecting six months.β
There was a beat of silence. Then Zoya burst into a fit of laughter.
The doctor looked at her with a blank expression that made Zoya even laugh harder.
It wasnβt funny. Hearing that anyoneβs life has less than a year to live was anything but hilarious. But Zoya couldnβt help it.
All her life, she has tried everything she could to make all the right decisions. She studied late nights. She got into a good school. She ate a salad every now and again. She worked out. She didnβt smoke. She stopped binge drinking. She made enough money to go to the doctor.
And what does she still get after all the right decisions?
A hereditary disease. A last gift from a mother who had abandoned her for yet another man who was going to leave her anyway.
There was some cosmic irony at play in her life. That as soon as she thought she had everything she had ever dreamed aboutβ money, a career, someone who loves herβ that was when life decided to remind her that the very family that she has tried so hard to ignore was the one that would kill her.
And that was why she was laughing.
The doctor coughed, βWe need you to stay overnight to run some tests. Is there anyone you want with you? Our hospital does allow overnight stays.β
Her chest gave such a strong lurch Zoya was a little surprised that the heart monitor hadnβt gone berserk.
Yes. The admission was so close to the surface that she almost thought she had spoken it out loud. But the doctor just kept looking at her.
βNo.β Zoya croaked. βNo, Iβm fine on my own.β
It was later that night that Zoya found that statement to be wildly untrue.
She almost hated Nikolai. She wanted to hate him.
It was his fault that there was this pain inside her that was twisting around and making her life more of a living hell. It wasnβt bad enough that she had to wait until her body decided to waste away completely.
Now, she felt like the cracks of her heart were starting to undo her, and all she wanted to do was to lay in his arms and feel his chest move up and down against her cheek. She wanted so, so badly to hear him murmur the office gossip while his voice slurred with exhaustion. She wanted to smell his cologne that lingered on their sheets when he was gone for a business trip. She wanted to tease and watch him cook in their kitchen. In the life that they had built.
She wanted, she wanted, she wanted.
Angry tears slipped down her cheeks as she turned her face into the unfamiliar pillow.
Without thinking, she pulled her phone up and hovered over the lockscreen picture of Nikolai pulling a stupid face while at the wheel of his boat when he took her sailing for the first time.
A stronger ache pushed through her, and she was close to throwing the phone across the room. Instead, she moved to her contacts, and hesitated for a brief moment before calling the one person she had no right calling.
βHello?β The voice on the other hand was rough with sleep and confusion. βZo?β
βMal.β Zoya choked.
βWhatβs wrong?β He was more alert, and she could just picture him sitting abruptly up in bed, jostling Alina in the process.
βNoββ
βDonβt lie.β He sighed. βYou only ever call me if something is wrong.β
Zoya chewed on her lip.
What the hell was she doing? Maybe she shouldnβt have sent Genya away. Maybe she should have asked her to stay. Maybe that would have stopped her from calling the one-night stand that had been a result of boredom.
βZo?β He asked in lieu of her silence. βAre you in a ditch? Is that why you canβt talk? Do you need me to come overββ
βNo.β She said abruptly. βDonβt come over.β
βWhy? Is it Nikolai? I thought we had straightenedββ
βI justββ
βMiss Nazyalensky, I need to take your vitals.β The voice of her night nurse interrupted and Zoya was just a hair too late in muffling the receiver.
The nurse came over before Zoya could hang up the phone, and she had no choice but to be under her ministrations for a few minutes before she was alone again.
βWhat the fuck was that?!β Mal exclaimed. βAre you in a hospital? Zo, what happened? Why isnβt Nikββ
βJust shut up for a second, Oretsev.β Zoyaβs headache was coming back. The sharp pain made it hard to piece together how to explain why she was called. Or even to come up with a reasonable excuse to call him.
βHow bad is it?β He whispered into the receiver.
She could have lied, she guessed. She could have passed off this late night phone call as an accident. But she had already said her share of lies tonight, and she didnβt think she had anymore in her.
βSix months.β She muttered.
βFuck.β
She barked out a laugh, βAlways good with words, werenβt you?β
βZoyaβ¦Nikolaiβ¦Heβhe doesnβt know, does he?β
She could feel Mal read into the silence. Even from a distance, Mal had a way to read just under the surface of her. It had never been enough for her to let him inβnot completely (she wasnβt a fan of being the second thought after the actual woman he loved).
But it was enough that he said, βYou didnβt tell him, because of what happened with Alina, right?β
βNikolai is an idiot, Mal.β Zoya bit out.
His derisive laugh crackled through, βYou donβt have to tell me twice. But that didnβt really answer my question.β
βHeβs an idiot, who doesnβt know how to quit. If he knew, heβd never leave my side. Heβd destroy his life trying to save an incurable disease. Heβd hate himself more than he already does, and Iβd still be dead in six months.β
These were the words she has been repeating to herself for months after she found out about the diagnosis. She wanted to believe that if she repeated them enough then maybe it would make her feel better about every single time she had to hide from him when she had spent half an hour throwing up, or making up some excuse to go to the doctorβs, or hiding the clumps of her hair that were starting to fall off from her head.
But telling them to Mal with the sounds of monitors and the smells of chemical cleanliness overwhelming her, the statements fell flat.
βHeβd want to know, Zo.β He said simply.
She gave another bitter laugh, βWell Iβd want to not be dying. But we donβt always get what we want. Not everyone can have miracles like your dear Saint Alina.β
There was silence between them for a while. Zoya knew he wouldnβt hang up on her. Not even after that comment. Because Mal Oretsev may be petty sometimes or pigheaded even more times than that, but at his heart he was kind and he knew what pain sounded like.
βYou want me to come over there and try to threaten some nurses to give you the good pillows?β
Zoya smiled for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, βOh, youβre still the softie, arenβt you? No wonder Alina loves you.β
He laughed and then sighed.
βZoβ¦itβs okayβ¦.itβs okay to be scared of what comes next. When Alina was sickβ¦Alina spent a long time trying to put on a brave face for me, but I just wished she would have let me see her scared. I just didnβt know how much time I would have with her, and I didnβt want to waste one second pretending like everything was okay.β
Iβm not Alina. She wanted to say. Iβm not going to get better. Iβm not scared of what is going to happen to me. Iβm scared of what would happen to him if he had stayed with me to the end.
βHavenβt you learned by now, Oretsev?β She said instead. βIβm never scared.β
Mal gave another laugh. There was a noise in the background, and Zoya could faintly hear him talking to someone in the room.
βAlina begging you to come back to bed?β She teased.
βSomething like that.β He sighed. βCall again, Zoya. Better yet, call him. You donβt have to do this alone.β
βYeah, yeah,β She waved him off, βJust go have fun with your saint, Mal.β
βIβll talk to you later.β
He hung up, and the silence felt more deafening than before.
She didnβt know why she called Mal. She wished she could have even said that at least Mal had gone through something like this situation beforeβthat he would have just the right words to make her feel better about all of this.
But it wasnβt that. Maybe she called Mal because she couldnβt call the one person who would have actually come running to her side.
Zoya flipped open her phone again, and just stared at her lockscreen.
She looked and looked until her eyes felt heavy, and the humming of the hospital faded and she was dreaming. Dreaming of warmer days. Dreaming of him
the queen's thief bot hit me with this and I'm utterly staggered with the idea that of course Attolia Irene would not, could not acknowledge her feelings for Eugenides untill she thought he was dead.
And I'm thinking once again about Gen using the phrase "safely dead" to describe himself, and the implications of being safely dead for this scene.
'Island of Whispers' by Frances Hardinge and illustrated by Emily Gravett
One of my auto-read authors!
The two books I've read so far from Hardinge have been amazing ('A Face Like Glass' and the excellent audiobook of 'Cuckoo Song'). I'm looking forward to making it three for three with 'Island of Whispers'!
tumblr tuesday: something something something, we win.
Everyone's being entirely normal about one scrunkly meow meow dad and his very gender sidekick π€
We've tried to be as spoiler-free as possible here, but if you haven't seen Nimona, go watch it and then come back for the pretty art, we promise you will have no regrets.
