anger holder time (the guy you usually see lol)
the other can of worms is a lot harder to cope with via kink lmao <- insane
ok maybe i should take myself a little more seriously
i think about how my paraphilias have developed through trauma a lot. mainly my response has been to get into cnc. maybe it is a sense of control? maybe it is a way to vent anger and the desire for violence in a safe way? being portrayed as a disgusting angry monster by someone who was supposed to take care of you certainly influenced that.
anyway the other can of worms. i was living in a motel with my father again when a friend of a friend dmed me saying they need a roommate. obviously i took that opportunity. i was fucking homeless with my abusive alcoholic father.
it was fine for a while but then the temporary agency i was working through decided they had too many workers and cancelled the contract.
i think that was the tipping point. disabilities and trauma and mental health finally caught up to me and i just could not cope anymore. i genuinely tried my best to find a new job but i guess because i was sleeping a lot and buying weed so id stop melting down, my then roommate assumed i was taking advantage of him financially too. at some point i did find a job but i dont know which things happened before and after getting it.
anyway. all that is lead up to say that the roommates response to this belief of his was to get all of his friends together and while i was at work: lock the shared fridge with a padlock and put all of my food in a cooler ruining it, use a bike lock to tie the dining room chairs together in a way so that i could not use them, put strange threatening messages all over the walls that we're just weird enough that they could deny that it was threatening. stuff like encoded ciphers, a date and coordinates, the hate monogue from i have no mouth and i must scream, and even a nice little "kill yourself" taped above my door, presumably so that i couldn't reach it easily. (im short) oh and um. tiny cut out images of the horse emoji 🐴 or weird horse memes everywhere id see them. like where id park my bike or inside all of the food cabinets or in the bathroom medicine cabinet.
what else. im genuinely having a hard time remembering. im sure thats normal. #pluralmoment
he put cameras that would flash and alarm when it sensed any movement and pointed it at my bedroom door and the front door and theyd intentionally walk in front of it to set it off, and theyd put speakers right up against my bedroom door and blasted awful sound effects or music for the entire night and scream randomly (i think he literally pulled all nighters to do this?? it was LOUD.) i had to borrow noise cancelling headphones from a friend. i am also deaf. so that was less effective than he wanted.
and yeah. i had to be escorted to my bedroom by my friends every day to feel safe. i would hoard food in there and not leave unless i absolutely had to. i tried leaving through my window and they put yard rubbish (glass, bricks, broken fence) that the last tenants left against the house so i couldnt leave. i lost a lot of weight.
um so. i ended up having to piss in a jar. because i couldnt leave my bedroom.
. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. THATS where the piss kink comes from. cool.
yeah anyway i dont think i can sexualize um. horse emojis on my walls. and i was already a zoophile before this lmao
i do however roleplay mildly sexually charged scenes in minecraft where im being stalked or surveilled by multiple figures at once who have their own motivations for wanting me dead<3
