On Paths, And What They Are Not -
I think, looking back on it, I was done a disservice early on in my SCA life. A person explicitly asked what value I would add to his household before granting me admittance. It was ten years ago, and even though I had been playing for two or three years I struggled to find an answer to his question.
This struggle still plagues me.
I knit, but not always useful/period things. I sing and play recorder, but not often, and never in a household setting such as around a campfire. I’m helpful, but only with preventing dehydration/sunburn, or when prompted for something else. I take pictures sometimes, but that’s not precisely a necessity.
I don’t babysit, I don’t cook, I don’t haul heavy things, I don’t run events or make awesome spreadsheets, I don’t have an interest in baronial or Kingdom offices. I don’t even party all that well, preferring to go to bed not too terribly long after the summer sunset hour.
The aforementioned person granted me admission to his household anyway, but clearly with reluctance, and I know now it was not without other controversies as well. I was overjoyed to be part of it, however, and the years since have largely been spent enjoying it immensely. My household have been immeasurable sources of comfort and friendship, and I consider many of them to be found family, stuck with me for life.
They have pushed me, as well, in that way good friends can and should. Because of them, four or five years ago I branched out in the SCA in two specific ways: I started doing some music, and I started doing some retinue. My full & honest intent was to do a lot of the latter and a little of the former, because that seemed the logical fit. I got myself Apprenticed to a legit vocal performance Laurel, I sorted through my sheet music, I set up a blog, I opened up my Grout.
However, truth is found in actions, sometimes regardless of intent.
(SCENE: behind the thrones during a tournament in fall of 2017; not much to do, retinue-wise.)
Me: I’m glad I brought my knitting, shoot.
Her: Yeah, it’s hard for Service people like you and me to sit still, isn’t it?
Me: (blinks) Wanna hear the funny part? I’m actually not at all on a Service path. I’m an Apprentice.
Her: (in genuine surprise) Really?
Him: Well, your Laurel’s going to be awfully surprised when you’re made a Pelican.
Retinue fits me very well, for several practical & boring reasons: I get a surprising amount of stolen knitting moments, I have explicit direction most of the time, there is a fun social aspect but no obligations once I’m off the clock, there’s lots of travel and meeting people outside my bubble, and I get to take some truly gorgeous pictures.
Specifically, court coordinating is an unexpected match I was gently shoved into by some keen-eyed friends. It’s a combination, execution- and atmosphere-wise, of theater and church liturgy, which are my two natural habitats, so I suppose it makes sense. But I have still been surprised by my continued interest and enjoyment of it.
On another surprising note, I also had a brief and startling moment of clarity a year or so ago: If I had had access to a ladies-only or ladies-dominant fighter practice, I would have been fighting since about day 2. But the frat culture is so far outside my personality I hadn’t given it anything beyond a fleeting ‘wouldn’t that be hilarious’ thought. (I love frat boys, understand. I am just very much not one of them.) Then on a fangirl-ish whim I joined the 'SCA Women & Gender Minority Fighters’ group on Facebook, and a whole other side of it was shown to me. I displayed cautious interest with a select few male fighters I trusted, took my first swings, acquired a sword and shield through an incredibly thoughtful household member, and then I’ve done nothing more than looking at it as I rushed to and from retinue thing after retinue thing.
And music hasn’t left my life completely, but it is much the same story. Just before the beginning of the flurry of baronial & royal retinue that has been my past four years, I found a small group of people I love doing music with. Although really I should that say they found me - My first of my very few solo forays into SCA vocal performance landed them in the audience, and they metaphorically licked me (as in, 'I licked it, it’s mine’) directly afterwards. Despite priorities lying elsewhere, we’ve gotten together on and off for a couple years. It’s supremely low-pressure (we’ve 'performed’ exactly once, lol) but at a delightfully high level that leaves us all eager to do more but struggling to fit it into reality.
And that, as they say, is the rub.
Since the Saturday afternoon of Twelfth Night 2018, I have been, for the first time in around four years, free of retinue obligations. I had been dreaming of it for months, fantasizing about being able to get back to my Grout and my tenor recorder and my Sion bags.
Instead, I have done, to be honest, fuck all.
There have been real life circumstances, of course, as there always are. I have an intense job and an intense long-distance relationship. I have ADHD plus a nice cocktail of depression, anxiety, fatigue, & compulsive over-eating. I am in a lot of financial debt.
There have been other circumstances, as well. My household has structurally disintegrated down to a few bare threads of weft and warp. I have been privvy to the backlash of being so involved with royalty, as it can seem like a brown-nosing power-grab. The Laurel to whom I Apprenticed has not been able to be active as either of us had hoped.
But I know, had I wanted to, I could overcome these things.
This past weekend was the Arts & Sciences Championship competition of my Kingdom, An Tir. It was the first year where it wasn’t also the Bardic Championship (though the winning entries were Bardic in nature), and the first year where it was also the Rapier Championship. It also had the odd distinction of involving five times more non-A&S peerage offers than A&S peerage offers (1 Laurel, 2 MOD, 3 Pelican). Basically, it was a really great panoply of everything the SCA has that’s not heavy fighting & Crown tournaments, and at the highest levels of each discipline, culminating in a court where wonderful people were celebrated for getting to their very best.
Which is about when I realized I am laughably far from reaching that point, despite good intentions, interest, and a genuine, joyful love of the game and the Dream.
I was quiet at our last-stop lunch on Sunday before heading back home, and my person (a squire named Velinn) pestered me. 'I’m thinking… I shouldn’t be an Apprentice anymore,’ I finally explained.
We always say, when it comes down to the hard questions, that yes we care a lot about the SCA but it’s a hobby, and should be (at least mostly) fun. I have been pretty good at maintaining my fun, and the fact that it’s manifested merely as occasional music and one particular brand of service is very telling.
I just don’t know what it’s telling me.
'Well,’ he replied, 'is Peerage still your goal?’
I couldn’t lie. I shook my head.
Here’s what it comes down to: The Journey, for me, seems to be accepting that I don’t really have a path, unlike everyone around me. The SCA, at the level and way I play, involves shiny people with stunning dedication to Doing Things with their incredible amounts of skill and talent. But that is not me.
I’m a lady with a lot of fun projects I ache to finish and things I really want to learn to do. I’m a lady who will help you with your knitting any time any where. I’m a lady who wants to have more 'Drink Wine & Pretend to Sing’ nights with my fabulous small ensemble. I’m a lady who wants to learn how to hit people. I’m a lady you can come to if you need a court helper or a lady-in-waiting. I’m a lady who loves hearing how excited you are about your latest project, for real. I’m a lady with a piercing laugh and a lot of sass and hugs.
That is not a path, but it has value anyway. My value. And that needs to be enough.
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