Pathable

Documenting each path I take on this life’s journey from love to heartbreak to anxiety and anger! Poetry included!

[pathable]

Destiny

Her dress was a trail of tears.

Cascading down her spine;

Each tear caressing her red satin dress.

Dipped in grief and sorrow from the sweat shop workers;

Mourning for their voices to be heard for a drop of water as they made her dress.

The voices of the ancestors lost before the air of sacred words could be inhaled vibrating them into existence...

Hummmmm.

She stops, she listens;

She calls out to her lover.

No one answers back, she misses the call.

She turns and faces the cold dark sky ahead

Forever running from a past she cannot face.

[pathable]

Mysterious black box

An unopened small black box sits in the middle of the table; awaiting a recipient.

I look around the room to see if an owner will come claim this box but no one comes.

I cautiously investigate the box and see that it is not addressed to anyone, no tag, no indication of who it is for.

Curiously, I ponder if it was left there for me to find.

But who would leave such a gift? Or is it a threat?

I have no enemies but I have friends and a lover of whom might leave such a gift.

A doting stranger perhaps or a creepy stalker, I’ve had quite a few.

I gaze perceptually at this unexpected surprise.

What should I do?

[pathable]

Crawling out of the pain

My knees drag onto the cold, hard, dirt of the rez as I claw my fingers into the earth to get myself out of this dark place. Hands grasp at the loose dirt I create as my fingernails push deep into the earth begging to be saved. I flinch from the pain of the force of the nail meeting the cold hard dirt; each grasp of dirt akin to prayer unanswered.

As I crawl, tiny rocks scrape my knees; their jagged edges tear away the flesh as it penetrates my soul; bleeding as weeds leave green stains on my now torn jeans.

I pause to stare at the dirt in my fingernails now clumped and stained dirt brown to turn yellow as I clean them later. My tears turned them into mud making them stick and dry in my nail beds.

The smell of the dirt and weeds consume me, giving me energy to move again. As I pull the dry weeds out of my hair, I get up to run. I run; faster than the tears streaming down my face, faster than the sound of your footsteps approaching me as I hear you yell my name. A sound that will echo in my memory further ingrained in blood memory to be passed down for centuries.

[pathable]

Arrogance

The excruciating pain of your callous words

Gently tossed among your ignorant gaze

Penetrate the depths of my soul

You demand forgiveness, I will not grant

Aloof to my being

Sincere lies like tufts of soft clouds strung together by water particles, engulf me

Your pensive mood agitates fuzzy boundaries

Numbs me like anesthesia before a cut is made

I bleed out as soon as the cold knife breaks skin

Coldness breaking into warm skin diffusing the clouds of my being

Pushing me further away into the warmth to vapor

I dissolve and disappear before your eyes

Slowly and then all at once

Gone in just one blink

Do you see me now that I’m gone?

Did you ever see me?

Romantic Conceit

[pathable]

The silky light touch of your fingertips on my cheek; Grazes the side of my face as your palm envelopes my cheek, my chin, cupped in the warm embrace of your strong masculine hands. Your fingertips gently caress my face. A healing touch that erases the scars of abuse left behind by a former lover. I am safe.

Your love for me radiates outward; a flow transferred from your hands into my soul. Feeding my heart the love if needs and craves. You gaze lovingly into my eyes, an endearing gesture that is reciprocated. In this private space between two souls, our love circulates simultaneously as one.

You lean in for a kiss as my heart quickens and my breath stills; a rosy hue develops on my cheeks as your soft lips touch mine. A kiss unhurried, so tender and needed that time stands still. Miles away from you, I would still feel the tingle of your lips on mine in my recollection of you and I.

How am I so lucky to experience a love so pure and real as this. If this is just the beginning of our life long journey together, I never want to let you go...

[pathable]

What is this?

This strange feeling in my heart?

My heart flutters and sings; beats faster when he is around.

Smiles on my face when thoughts of him pop randomly into my head throughout the day.

He who is strangely unique; in his own; goes against the grain...loves himself.

Never have I ever laughed this much. He wants to make me laugh. Says he loves making me laugh.

Never has a man been brutally honest with me.

But he is closed to love.

He is careless and reckless with his love. He doesn’t know how...my heart aches.

We slow down; impede the chaotic rush of love with mindful intent.

We take our time to let love in; if it should choose to call this it’s home.

My heart slows down to listen to the matters of the mind.

It becomes what it is meant to be.

[pathable]

TEARS

Tears stream down my face;

Falling freely, unsolicited, releasing my pain.

You’re aloof and unaware of how I deeply I feel for you.

As I stumble over my words to express my love to you,

You interrupt and oblige me with stories of a past life without me; a joyous time.

A life you cling to like glue to paper;

I engage you again with my words but you repel and resist me like oil and water; my words don’t matter.

I cry out for you as I speak, a laborious attempt but you don’t hear me;

You remain aloof and continue to tell stories,

A blinding optimism.

A past life full of hope in a future unfulfilled.

When your past is present, I can never be your future.

I become the tears.

[pathable]

Imperfectly perfect that is who we were

You and I

Held together by painful life experiences

Yet we weren’t trauma bonded

I saw you for who you were and I loved you

You saw me as a mirror of your trauma

Perhaps you were trauma bonded to me

I wanted for both of us to do the healing together

But we both couldnt steer the course of our healing journeys if only one of us knew how to navigate the ship; so we sunk...

You depended on me too much

Needed me too much

You needed me to tell you how to live

I was proud

So I began to fix you, neglecting my own needs and desires even as I pressed on ensuring myself comfort at the end of the day; we will be stronger together

But I couldn’t keep my tea kettle full when you took all I had; you were all I had

You took all I had left

Every last drop

and then you shattered me

Tiny fragments of pieces of me strewn across the floor

You would walk over them as you left

Left me to pick up the broken pieces of myself

Once again

Once again I have to pick myself up again

Once again

[pathable]

The heartache

The pain

The throbbing dull ache

It never goes away

Some say get over it, wish him well and move on

My heart won’t abide

What will I gain

What will it take?

To erase this pain away

Does it mean he won?

How can I brush him aside

When he lives in the deep chasms of my heart.

[pathable]

The pull of your gravity

Sets me on a course of self-destruction

Clinging to the past in hopes of a future;

With you.

You’re here,

Your gone,

You’re back and gone again.

I catch glimpses of you in our past

It is only there you exist

But yet you call to me

Beckoning

I hear it clearly as

I grasp for thin strands of hope

But it’s not me you want because you already chose her.

[pathable]

A scream wakes me up

Instantly my arms reach out for you but your not there

Puzzled I gain consciousness and realize I am alone, awake from a dream...

Who or what is my comfort now? now that you’re gone?

I search the house in case it was real but alas all is well

Just the loud foreboding white noise penetrating my ears reminding me I am alone.