𓂃✍︎ "gojō sensei told me not to."
Satoru stands before you, his gaze ever searching through yours, embedding it in a way you wish he wouldn't. Within his deep-set blue eyes, something feels amiss. They don't look manipulative — no mischief you could have detected right away. There is obviously no trace of the certain way his eyes bring about in him.
This one watches you softly, almost carefully. Not meekly though; rather, it holds a kind of innocent trait that is nearly impossible for Satoru to possess.
"Don't fuck with me right now . . ." You hear yourself say. There is a hint of a humorless laugh attempting to break away.
"I —" his voice cracks. It's unlike him.
"What have you done?" You start. "Hm?"
Satoru remains rigidly quiet.
"Say something," you push his chest harshly, "you always get the last comment, so say something."
You shake your head. There is something you can't quite control trying to flow out of your eyes, yet you force it to stop.
"Satoru," you call with that sweet voice he loves most, "why do you have stitches on your head? Hm? Couldn't you have gone to Shōko for that? Why mar your perfect forehead?"
Clearing his throat, he says, "I-I had to do it . . ."
"Do what?" Your head tilts, questioningly. "Is there something you didn't tell me?"
His lips tremble faintly. Anyone might have missed it. But the thing about you is that you know Satoru most. That little quirk of his lip will never go unnoticed by you — even if it's unlike him to do so.
You ram your fist against his chest again. He only takes one step back.
Deep down in your heart, you know what is true. This isn't Satoru. This isn't the man who promised you absolution. This, who stands before you, is shaking, even if his eyes refuse to look anywhere else but your presence.
However, your mind conjures the easiest plausible escape first.
Denial. Denial. Denial. That's what it is.
Then this Satoru calls out your name, and that's when you know you can't run away from the truth forever.
The scream tears through you in the most unthinkable sound to have ever graced your lips, effectively cutting Yūta off. It's the combination of all there never would be anymore: the longing, the love, the loss, the anguish, the teasing, and the knowing of never having to see him again.
Yūta looks at you through Satoru's eyes — through those eyes that you loved most, that you've watched open and close many, many times — as his fingers shake uncontrollably, not knowing how even to begin rectifying this.
"I have to —" his voice cracks brokenly, "— please understand, I had to. I'd never wanted this. I'm sorry."
You scream louder, like some sort of possessed being wailing across the souls of those alive. You pull your hair; strands fall on the ground. And you do just about anything to try and withdraw from this horrible pain.
"I only have a minute left . . . I have to return to my body. But, I couldn't leave him out there . . ." Yūta weeps openly. "I can't leave Gojō Sensei alone. I wanted to bring him back to you. Somehow. Someway. I'm sorry. I should've —"
Perhaps it's Yūta, being ever the kindest kid you have met, or maybe it's the muscle memory of your lover; whoever took control, they enveloped you into his arms. You can feel the warmth of his body encasing you in its last burst of energy, and you cling onto that, onto him who's nothing but a carcass already.
And you finally collapse.
"How could you do this to me!" You hear yourself scream. Yūta doesn't let you go. He holds you tighter. You can still smell the faint scent of Satoru. "How could you! This wasn't part of the plan! You told me you'd win! You said you would! How dare you! How could you do this to me! SATORU!"
For that whole minute Yūta gives you, he holds you like how his sensei would've. He whispers things to your ear, deluding you into believing it was Satoru. Until his body convulses, and with one last apology, both from the man you loved and the student you care for most, Yūta finally returns to his own body, and you are left with the real Satoru — hollow and empty and still.
Your hands fumble up in the air, your mouth hangs wide open for a scream that never comes, your eyes well with so many tears, wide and unblinking, and you look at nowhere else but to your own lover who stares at you. The blues have dimmed to grays.
"Don't do this to me, please." You beg, shaking his body desperately. "Please. Please, please, please, Satoru, please, please, please, please."
You continue to shake him. Maybe if you shake him a bit harder, he'd jump start and return. He'd make a teasing remark that he got you good this time. You wouldn't get angry. You wouldn't even smack the hell out of him. In fact, you'd laugh with him. You'd kiss him, and kiss him, and never let go.
"Please, Satoru. Please. Please."
Yūta kneels in front of you. "Gojō Sensei has to rest his eyes. Let me . . . p-please."
You don't remember whether or not you've agreed; all you remember is that Satoru's eyes close for the final time when Yūta's bloodied fingers decide to force them to rest. You are too numb to do it, and he is too selfless to let you.
Then that's when you begin to bargain. You beg, scream, and demand that there might be some curse technique out there that can bring him back. When the only breathing person in the infirmary tells you that there isn't any curse he knows of, you try another way.
You manage to crawl on your knees towards Yūta, begging him to curse Satoru the way he did to Rika for her.
That you would take care of him, that you would set him free eventually, that it would be okay — just, just, just please, bring him back.
But Yūta can only force himself to hold your hand, crying with you in hiccups and ragged breathing because he can't, above all else, comply with your wishes. "Gojō Sensei told me not to."
And you scream again. "That isn't fair! He left me! How could he have done this, when he knows I can't do this without him! I can't do this! Yūta, I can't. Please! Please! Bring him back! To me! Please!"
Someone tries to enter the room. You throw the nearby thing you can hold onto, which is a chair.
Yūta pushes the other objects away from your grasp, and immediately orders the people outside not to enter under any circumstances. Then, he crouches to your level and holds you tightly. Yūta says nothing, despite your nails digging against his back, despite you pulling the front of his hair and shirt, despite everything you're putting him through.
Things wouldn't stop moving, breathing, and living. And yet, Yūta continues to hold you.
"Yūta," you beg once more, in a whisper no less broken than the others you've implored, "kill me. Please. I can't do this without him. Please."
Yūta sobs. "Because G-Gojō Sensei told me not to."
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i am not okay after watching s3 ep2 of hotd, so this is my way of trying to move on. but rlly, i'm lying to myself :<