Redeemed.

I am no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God. He knows my name, restores my soul and even wipe every tear coming from my eyes. I am saved, freed and forgiven. He does it all, made everything possible.. because He loves me.

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

I’ve been stopping myself from posting something that can be labeled as dramatic since before I graduate. As much as I want to put into words how thankful I am for all the things I have accomplished, I can’t make it unless I have a proof. I’ve always been that type.. making myself certain for something first. Because I’m always afraid of saying something I am not and something I cannot prove. I can still remember how terrified I am every time I go to class when I entered college. There’s always this abnormal rapid beating of my heart that makes me hard to breathe. And it turns out to me being scared of expectations. But I am more scared of not being able to fulfill them. When I found out I am capable of being an academic scholar, I continued what I have started. I continued working hard. Not because I want to graduate with honor but because I want to help my parents from all the finances. As what they say, life itself is never perfect. I also had an utmost downfall. I forgot what really my goal in life is. I forgot that I am working hard for myself and not for somebody else. However (this is actually a thesis paper lol), God didn’t let me fall. He caught me even before I hit the ground. He held me, whispered to me what I was doing to my life and reminded me my purpose of being here. He saved me. For the nth time, He saved me again. Now, I want to claim all these fruits of hardwork as the fruit of life God gave me to prosper. None of everything I have right now is mine. It is His. It has always been His. And I am so grateful that he has chosen me to be the one who could have all of this. He also gave me parents I will be forever thankful for. They has been my motivation all throughout. Though there has been this thin line between motivation and pressure, I am still thankful for their part in my life, my success. I owe everything to them and I won’t ever stop making them proud. This is just the least thing I can do for everything they’ve done for me. And I believe and I hope I can do more to let them now how wonderful parents they have been to me and to my siblings. And to everyone who has been a part of me, my family, my friends, my mentors and my teachers, I am giving them my deepest gratitude because I wouldn’t be who I am today without them. Ps: this is a graduation speech. Lol

[staypozitive]

[escafeism]

Ganun naman talaga pag nagmamahal tayo, nakakalimutan natin sarili natin. Kaya kapag nasaktan, sobra sobra din.

[kurizamei]

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2 NIV

[my-typewritten-thoughts-deactiv]

Once, I was easy. Now, I was choosy. See? Big difference.

Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

Me: if you cant like me the way i like you, then its okay.

Me: but...

Me: but why cant you like me?

Me: am i not worthy enough to be liked by someone that i love the most?

Me: or maybe im just wasting my time just to be liked by someone who doesn't care about me

Me: youre too much...

Me: can you please tell me? Why?

Me: nvm. you still dont care

Me: *cries*

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

It’s dark inside.. it’s where my demons hide.

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

Eto yung kinakatakutan ko. Yung babalik ako sa dati. Yung lalabas nanaman yung masama kong ugali. Hindi ko alam. Pakiramdam ko dala dala ko nanaman yung demonyo ko. Nabuhay nanaman sya. Nakakainis. Naiiyak ako. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit nagpapadala nanaman ako sa tukso ni Satan. Ayoko neto e. Lord, please help me. I’m sorry for being tempted. Hindi ko naman po talaga gusto rin yung ganito. Alam po natin pareho kung gaano yung tiniis ko. Kung gaano ko kinalaban yung sarili ko para mas maging mabuting tao. I always pray to you. Sana hindi ako mapuno. Sana hindi ako sumabog kasi hindi ko rin naman po talaga alam kung ano po ulit yung magagawa ko.

Ito po yung ayaw ko e. I always asked you to help me control myself and to help them not to push my asshole button. Pero ilang araw na rin po akong ganito. Kanina lang po talaga ako sumabog ng sobra sobra. Hindi ko na napigilan. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. I’m sorry. Nakakapagod lang rin po kasi talagang sumalo ng lahat ng galit ng sermon. Palagi na lang po kasi akong mali. Palagi na lang pong kasalanan ko. Palagi na lang ako. Hayy. I’ve been living my entire life this way. I should have known better what to do. Not that way. Not hurting them. I’m sorry. I’m just tired and stressed and scared and worried. I shouldn’t feel this way too. Lord, help me. Please.

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

Masakit rin pala yung katotohanan na mahal ka nila kasi pamilya ka nila. Na kung hindi ka nila pamilya, hindi ka nila mahal. Ano kayang pakiramdam nung may magmamahal sayo hindi dahil obligasyon nila kundi dahil mahal ka lang talaga nila?

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

Kagabi lang nagblog ako tungkol sa panunuod ko ng mga psychological movies para mas matuto pa. Mas magkaron ng kaalaman sa paghahandle ng mga psychological cases or disorders. Whatever you may call it. Pero hindi ko inaasahan na may isang movie na magtuturo sakin ng isang napakahalagang bagay. Hindi psychological terms. Hindi theories. Hindi method. Kundi isang paalala na hindi lahat ng kahinaan pwede mong itago. Kasi babalik yan at hahanapin ka. 

Sa totoo lang, pakiramdam ko hindi ako after dun sa technique na ginagawa nung psychologist dun sa client. Kasi feeling ko ako mismo yung client nya. Parehas kasi kami e. Duwag rin ako. Takot na mabigo. Takot na hindi maging isang taong dapat maging ako. Pilit tinatago lahat ng takot at kaduwagan ko. Pinapakita na malakas. Na hindi madaling matatalo. Na hindi dapat ganito kasi dapat ganiyan. Na lahat kakayanin kasi yun ang dapat.

Pero ang hirap pa rin pala. Ang hirap kasi nakatago lang sila. Pwedeng mahukay. Pwedeng bumalik. Pwede kang hanapin. Ipapakita sayo na kahit anong pagpapakita mo ng kalakasan, hindi pa rin nababago yung katotohanan na duwag ka, takot ka. 

Naiyak ako dun sa part na sinasabi ng psychologist na, It’s not your fault. Hindi ko alam pero siguro kasi pagod na rin ako. Pagod na rin akong maging kung sino. Ayoko na ng masasakit na salita. Ayoko na ng panghuhusga. Ayoko ng patunayan ang sarili ko sa kanila. Gusto ko na lang yung simpleng buhay. Yung walang pressure. Walang expectations. 

Pero hindi kasi pwede yun. Hindi ganon. Hindi ganon yung buhay ko. Hindi ako pwedeng tumigil. Kasi ako yung inaasahan nila. Kailangan kong ibalik lahat ng ginawa nila para sakin. Madaling sabihin na hindi dapat ganiyan, hindi dapat ganito. Pero hindi madaling gawin lalo na’t alam kong kapag tumigil ako, hindi lang ako yung maapektuhan. May pamilya akong umaasa sakin. Hindi ko sila dapat biguin. 

Hindi sapat na pagod na ako. Hindi dapat ayaw ko na. Kasi pano sila? Pano sila na umaasa saking kaya kong pawiin lahat ng kabiguan na naramdaman nila. Na sa pagtatgumpay ko, nagtagumpay na rin sila. Na sa bawat masasakit na salitang binitawan sa kanila ng tao, yung tagumpay ko lang yung pwedeng makapagpawi non?

Paano nga ba tumigil? Paano ko ba to tatapusin? Matatapos ko ba?

Mas madaling pumeke ng ngiti. Mas madaling sabihin ang okay lang ako. Mas madaling sabihin na kaya ko pa. Mas madaling tanggapin na ako yung nahihirapan at hindi sila. Ako na lang. Wag na sila. Mahal ko sila eh. I owe my life to them. Kaya dapat laging kaya ko. Hindi ako dapat mapagod. Kasi yung buhay ko, hindi lang para sakin. 

Kahit gaano ko kagustong marining yung mga salitang okay lang yan, hindi mo kailangan pilitin, hindi mo yan kailangang gawin, mas mabuti na rin yung alam ko na hindi dapat okay lang yan. Kasi eto na e. Nandito na ako. Titigil pa ba ako? Oo, pagod na ako. Pero siguro pagtapos kong magpahinga, okay na ulit. 

Lilipas din ‘to.

[poppyflowerpoetry]

I never thought I’d stop writing about you, but here I am with the ink in my veins all dried up. Trust me, baby, I’ve tried. I’ve been opening up all the old wounds trying to figure out what gave me so much to say about your smile. But there’s no hurt left here. No ache, no burn. The fire went out. The embers stopped smoking. I wrote so much about losing you that I don’t even know how to say goodbye. This poem is here to tell you that I am well, that I am stronger than we thought, that the scars are healing. This poem is saying that I can look into my heart without flinching. I don’t see you there anymore.

The Last Poem by Auriel Haack

[buloy]

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please.

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

Believe nothing that you hear and only one half of what you see.

Dr. Edward Newton, Stonehearst Asylum

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

I’m on the verge of writing and reading and watching. But watching takes the most of my time. I’ve been trying to catch my wasted time by attempting to learn something more about my profession through movies. It interests me a lot seeing an actual manifestations and situations of different disorders, but it amazes me more because I’m learning strategies, techniques, theories and all in their ways of trying to control insanity. As much as possible, I’m trying to take note all the important information that could possibly be my guide as I enter the deeper sense of being a psychology major. I might as well try to put them all up here to share to you.

Well, that’s too much introduction. My real purpose here is to thank you for bearing with my not-so-active blog.

[perceivingthingsdifferentl-blog1]

Di nagupdate si Queen J today. Sad. I'm really looking forward for her update actually. Ewan ko ba. Gustong gusto ko yung One Night, One Lie. Pero syempre Until Trilogy pa rin ang top1 ko. Gusto ko lng ung One Night, One Lie kasi gustong gusto ko yung character ni Avon. Wala lang, sobrang strong lang kasi talaga nya dun sa story and I can almost see myself at her. Ayun lng. Hehe. Ktnxbye! 😉

[christfeed]