// honestly considering not using this blog for rp-ing anymore. considering deleting or making this a writing blog about Cell or something because Iâm not really needed/wanted
I feel like I havenât been active in the community enough to justify playing Cell anymore, plus thereâs another really good Cell on here who pretty much does what I would do with Cell, so I donât see any point writing him when thereâs already someone doing pretty much exactly what I want to do. Feel like I just kinda got started rolling with this blog, and right when it was starting to get good, I just...had life get in the way when another good person started up and theyâve gained more momentum, and due to not having internet and two jobs, I just donât feel like Iâm good enough to continue.
IDK, I guess Iâm jealous of another rp-er doing what I want to do, and having the time and energy to be able to do it, and do it well, and better than I could write anyway.
And I donât know how to format special backgrounds and themes, and I donât use customized tiny writing cuz I canât see shit because Iâm fucking blind and I want to be able to read what I type and apparently everyone uses super fucking icons because how fucking dare I want to be able to see.
And iâm really jealous of people who have the time and know-how to do all the fancy shit, and Iâm jealous that someone is pretty much doing exactly what I want to do and has the time to develop relationships they way I see them going down, becuase I still think of everyone from the community a lot and I think about how Cell can develop into something so much more than he ever was in the manga and anime and games, and when I come on here, I see someone else doing it, and whatâs the point of me doing it, when someone is writing it the exact same way, someone who has time to do what I canât do, and Iâm not mad about that. And Iâm not mad at the other rp-ers...just frustrated that Iâm not as active and not as good. And then when I try to be active with others that I like....I feel like iâm butting in and getting in the way and that Iâm intruding on other peopleâs muses and itâs a shitty feeling and I hate it and god thereâs just so much that I feel like Iâm doing wrong, and I feel like Iâm being an asshole for just wanting to interact or continue a thread.
I guess Iâm just frustrated as fuck that I canât give this blog the time, attention, and detail in accordance with appearance that this thing deserves, especially because I think about this character and the other characters Cell interacts with so much, and I think about ways to expand him all the time, I just never am here or have access to tumblr often enough to do it justice.
I feel like Iâm some second-rate person in this community, who does a decent enough job of writing but canât meet up with how the aesthetics and writing appearance itself has to be to gain any traction. I donât even know, this is pretty much just word vomit at this point. I might keep writing for Cell and posting short stories and things, but as far as role-playing goes, I think Iâm done, especially since thereâs someone better at playing my muse now than I am, and I feel like Iâm just getting in their way if I try to continue now, considering that when I was active we used to interact with a lot of the same people. I donât even fucking know. I kinda miss being the only one playing this character, but I donât have a monopoly on characters and people can rp as whoever the hell they want. I suppose I just miss being unique on here. And now I feel like Iâm just another mediocre person. Ugh. just. fuck.
