Rowling shows James being an asshole in Snape's Worst Memory. It's fair enough that assumes most would understan a human being is more than just their worst moment at 16, that people have both good and bad and that teenagers can grow as people. BUT she still should have a better job.
She should have showed us. But she chose a poor method of tell not show by telling us via his friends that he deflated his head, stopped hexing people for fun, grew out of it, only continued hexing Snape in 7th year because Snape was also cursing him. And only tells us the good about him. This causes many to assert they lied and assert the worst possible interpretation of both his good and bad actions.
But given Rowling's own words that there's a lot of good in James and Lily was great for him, it's safe to assume Rowling herself didn't intend his friends ot be lying and James to remain stagnant at 16. This same Rowling said she didn't pair Pansy with Draco because Pansy was horrible. Meaning she even thought Draco deserved better than Pansy. So it's also unliekly she would pair Lily with James if she meant him to still be the same or a bad person. Seems more likely she just chose a poor method or tell not show and didn't develop him properly.
Plus she said "a lot of good" in James and "some good" in Draco, meaning she sees more good in James. And it's also unlikely she redeemed Dudley and Draco (Harry's bullies) but somehow intends his dad is irdeemably evil.
And also, she forget that the people reading are muggles. They aren't going to consider the wizarding world context when looking at James's actions.
If she had shown James maturing and growing out of his arrogance then it might have stopped Snape fangirls and fanboys from thinking that James, an arrogant, pampered bully is somehow worse than Snape, a racist bigot who hung out with bullies, found humour in them tormenting other students and wanted to participate in mass genocide. Snape wanted to be a Death Eater and kill all Muggles, Muggleborns, and Half-Bloods, his unhealthy infatuation with Lily making her the sole exception. He "thanks" her for stopping James and Sirius from attacking him by calling her a Mudblood and she rightfully ends their friendship. But according to Snape defenders if someone calls you a slur and wants to kill everyone just like you you should stay friends with them anyway just because they had a bad childhood or else you are apparently a "bad friend". Even worse, there are people who literally think Lily not dating Snape out of pity because he grew up poor and was abused and bullied is supposedly shallow despite the fact that she had zero romantic feelings for him at all. And in warped Snape fan logic asking for a woman's husband and 1 year old baby to be killed so you can have her is OK if the husband bullied you when you were in schoolš
āSnape was just a fuckboy who was bitter he got friendzoned,ā says the fan who romanticizes the Marauders and conveniently forgets that the only character to ever act entitled to Lilyās romantic attention was James Potter, who bullied Snape from the start simply because Snape was Lilyās friend and male. Like, if anyone was a fuckboyā¦
Except that Snape is the one who felt entitled to Lilyās attention. Did James pursue her a little too aggressively? Yes, but he behaved like a pretty typical teenage boy with a crush. When Lily rejects him James brushes it off and keeps trying to get him to liker her, Snapeās the one who gets upset and lashes out at her. Also, by literally everyone else Snape and James are described as having the same sort of relationship as Harry and Malfoy but we only ever see the relationship from Snapeās point of view because James is dead. Do you think Harry is a bully too?
So hereās the thing. Literally nothing you just said is supported in canon.
James was more than āa little too aggressiveā in his pursuit of Lily. He relentlessly bullied her best friend, and at one point even tried to use this as leverage to get Lily to date him (heād stop the torment, if Lily would agree to a date). Lily herself calls him out on how he is a bully, saying he walks down corridors, hexing anyone who annoys him just because he can. When they get together in 7th year, itās because he supposedly has stopped his bullying ways, but continues to bully Severus in secret behind her back. That is canon. That is said by Sirius and Remus, after Harry saw āSnapeās worst memoryā and was appalled at how fucking horrid his father was.
And, why is it that James constantly bullies Severus?
JK herself said: āJames always suspected Snape harboured deeper feelings for Lily, which was a factor in Jamesā behaviour towards Snape.āĀ
So. Because Severus Snape was Lily Evansā best friend, and a guy, James worried that he was a rival for her affections, and from day one targeted him for bullying. Because how dare Severus even think he has the right to talk to her, when obviously James is the one she should pay attention to.
The only character we see not respect Lilyās rejection is James Potter. This is canon. He doesnāt ever take ānoā for an answer. He refuses to. He resorts to lying to her in order to finally get her to date him.
Severus Snape, for one, never tried to be anything more to Lily than her friend. We are given no evidence to the contrary. And when she breaks off their friendship, he leaves her alone. We see him bargain for her life, we see him mourn her, but we see nothing to suggest he ever talked to her again after she ended their friendship. He respected her decision, and backed off.
You also seem to misunderstand the comparison between Harry and Draco. Harry is Severus and Draco is James. Itās another case of a rich, self-entitled jerk bullying someone from an abusive home, just because he feels slighted.
I almost scrolled past this, but I wonāt because itās exactly the kind of Snape apologia and vilification of James that really bothers me in the HP fandom.
1- There is absolutely no evidence in canon that James ārelentlesslyā pursued Lily. That is fanon. Sure fanon has that trope about James repetitively asking Lily out and almost stalking her. In canon we only see James ever ask Lily out ONCE. In Snapeās worst memory. The rest of the time we see Snape having to tell Lily that James fancies her and there is no evidence she even knew about it before that, then we have Lily actively defend the maradaurs to Snape asking him why he was so obessed with them :
(DH, The Princeās tale, p540 bloomsburry edition )
āā¦ thought we were supposed to be friends?ā Snape was saying. āBest friends?ā
āWe are, Sev, but I donāt like some of the people youāre hanging around with! Iām sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him Sev? Heās creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?ā
Lily ha reached a pillar and leaned against it, looking up into the thin, sallow face.
āThat was nothingā said Snape. āIt was a laugh, thatās all -ā
āIt was Dark Magic, and if you think thatās funny -ā
āWhat about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?ā demanded Snape. His colour rose again as he said it, unable, it seemed to hold in his resentment.
āWhatās Potter to do with anything?ā said Lily.
āThey sneak out at night. Thereās something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?ā
āHeās ill,ā said Lily. āThey say heās ill -ā
āEvery month at the full moon?ā said Snape.
āI know your theory,ā said Lily, and she sounded cold āWhy are you so obsessed with them, anyway? Why do you care what theyāre doing at night?ā
āIām just trying to show you theyāre not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are.ā
The intensity of his gaze made her blush;
āThey donāt use Dark Magic, thoughā.
Now, what does this scene tells you. First for someone who supposedly didnāt give as good as he got and was only the helpless victim of James, we learn that : 1- Lily doesnāt understand why he is so obsessed with them and canāt see the resemblance between the marauders and the very real, blood supremacist, dark magic using bullies that Snape was hanging out with and found funny. 2- Snape was very clearly trying to out Remus and actively trying to prove his case; so please do tell me, if this isnāt reason enough for James to hate Snape then what is? Not only did Snape actively try back when he was 15, but he DID out Remus years later because he couldnāt let go of the past when Remus was being nothing but cordial with him.
2- Which brings me to my next point, the idea that Snape was an innocent victim and not a bully himself is utter bullshit.
Letās look at another excerpt from the books shall we:
(DH, The Princeās tale, p542, Blommsburry edition)
āI was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just -ā
āSlipped out?ā There was no pity in Lilyās voice. āItās too late. Iāve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends ā you see, you donāt even deny it! You donāt even deny thatās what youāre all aiming to be! You canāt wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?ā
He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.
āI canāt pretend any more. Youāve chosen your way, Iāve chosen mine.ā
āNo ā listen, I didnāt mean -ā
ā- to call me a Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?ā
Now what does this tells us? This tells us that unlike what the Snape apologists often love to pretend, Snape wasnāt an inactive by stander in the wannabe-death eaters sessions of muggleborns bullying. He actively took part in it, he actively threw slurs at them. Lily herself mention that and Snape doesnāt deny any of it.
Not only that but we also know that Snape invented Levicorpus, which we later see James use, how do you think James learned it if not because he had it used against him? We even see Snape use Sectusempra on James; Sectusempra, aka the spell capable of cutting someone open and leave them to bleed to death. This is the kind of experimentation Snape did with Dark Magic, so spare me if I donāt buy the āpoor innocent Snapeā narrative. He was a bully at school, going after muggleborn with his band of magical equivalent to the Hitler youth. But aside from that, please do tell me more about how Snape was innocent and never gave as much as he got when even LILY calls him out on his bullying of Muggleborns and admitted herself that she couldnāt excuse him anymore.
āSeverus Snape, for one, never tried to be anything more to Lily than her friend. We are given no evidence to the contrary. And when she breaks off their friendship, he leaves her alone. We see him bargain for her life, we see him mourn her, but we see nothing to suggest he ever talked to her again after she ended their friendship. He respected her decision, and backed off.ā
Excuse me? We should admire him because he backed off after HE threw a slur at her and still tried to talk to her when she didnāt want to, even saying he would sleep in front of the common room if she refused to have that talk?
And above all, we should think Snape is such a great guy because he bargained for her life? WHAT? Snape - may I remind you - was the reason why her life was even in danger to start with! Snape is the one who sold a BABYāS LIFE to Voldemort without second thoughts and only backed off when he realized that the baby in question was Lilyās. And not only that but he only partly backed off because he didnāt give a shit about what would happen to Harry and James, AKA the man she loved and HER SON. Dumbledore himself called him out on it:
āYou disgust me,ā said Dumbledore, and Harry had never heard so much contempt in his voice. Snape seemed to shrink a little. āYou do not care, then about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?ā
I genuinely cannot believe my eyes that some people are trying to paint this as a selfless act on Snapeās part. If it had been Neville he would have let him die without blinking, just like he was ready to let Harry die, a ONE YEAR OLD BOY and the son of the woman he claimed to love. I do not doubt that he loved her, but his love was entirely and completely selfish and none of what he did was for her. He did what he did for himself and to feel better about what he had caused. Snape was not a good person. Snape was bad guy who did the right thing for the wrong reasons. All his life he remained the same bitter bullying douchebag, he bullied kids as a gorwn ass man, he never got over it unlike James.
The point of Snape isnāt āgood is not niceā, the point of Snape is āyou donāt have to be a good person to do the right thingā. āGood is not niceā is in fact the point of James. Was James an immature ātoeragā (as Lily colourfully put it) when he was 15? Sure he was, but his heart was always at the right place which is something we cannot say of Snape. And he grew out of it, which is another thing we cannot say of Snape.
The fact that James bullied Snape isnāt the only thing we know of him. We also know that James welcomed Sirius in his home when the later had nowhere to go, we know that James accepted Remus for who he was and became an Animagus to help him, we know that James befriended three outcasts without caring about how uncool they were, from what family they came from or what disease they had to deal with, we know that James was ALWAYS disgusted with pure blood supremacy as evidenced by his reaction when Snape calls Lily the m-blood in front of him. We know that when Snape was busy joining the Death Eaters fresh out of school, James was joining the Order and fighting against Voldemort from the start (a war that as a pure blood he could have stayed entirely out of). We know he defied Voldemort three times and lived to tell the tale, we know that he died throwing himself between Voldemort and his wife and child without even a wand to try to give them time to escape. James was a good person who wasnāt always nice and grew out of his bullying way.
Every characters aside from Snape always describe the Marauders as this generation Fred and George (who by the way also did a number of questionable things, such as shoving Montague in the vanishing cabinet, feeding Dudley their toffees or turning Neville into a bird). Were they always nice? No. Did they bully Snape? Ā Yes. Where they still good people? Yes. James included.
Snape wasnāt a good person, he never was, he never grew out of his petty high school quarrels, James did. Both were assholes when they were teenagers. One grew out of it, the other didnāt. Itās as simple as that.
I am irritated by the vitriol some people sling at Lily Potter.Ā
Did you all forget to read āThe Princeās Tale chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?Ā Or did you skip these parts:
āā¦ thought we were supposed to be friends?ā Snape was saying.
āBest friends?ā
āWe are, Sev, but I donāt like some of the people youāre hanging
round with! Iām sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber!
What do you see in him, Sev, heās creepy! Dāyou know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?ā
Lily had reached a pillar and leaned against it, looking up into
the thin, sallow face.
āThat was nothing,ā said Snape. āIt was a laugh, thatās all āā
āIt was Dark Magic, and if you think thatās funny āā
āWhat about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?ā demanded
Snape. His color rose again as he said it, unable, it seemed, to hold
in his resentment.
āWhatās Potter got to do with anything?ā said Lily.
āI know James Potterās an arrogant toerag,ā she said, cutting
across Snape. āI donāt need you to tell me that. But Mulciberās and
Averyās idea of humor is just evil. Evil, Sev. I donāt understand how you can be friends with them.ā
He watched as Lily joined the group and went to Snapeās defense. Distantly he heard Snape shout at her in his humiliation and his fury, the unforgivable word: āMudblood.ā
The scene changedā¦ .
āIām sorry.ā
āIām not interested.ā
āIām sorry!ā
āSave your breath.ā
It was nighttime. Lily, who was wearing a dressing gown, stood
with her arms folded in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, at the
entrance to Gryffindor Tower.
āI only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to
sleep here.ā
āI was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood,
it just āā
āSlipped out?ā There was no pity in Lilyās voice. āItās too late. Iāve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends ā you see, you donāt even deny it! You donāt even deny thatās what youāre all aiming to be! You canāt wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?ā
He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.
āI canāt pretend anymore. Youāve chosen your way, Iāve chosen
mine.ā
āNo ā listen, I didnāt mean āā
āā to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth
Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?ā
He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous
look she turned and climbed back through the portrait holeā¦ .
Lily had defended Severus all throughout their friendship even though she got some hate for it.Ā She tried to sway him to leave his death eater friends. She tolerated some of his wrong doings and made excuses for them.Ā She gave him more chances than he ever could hope, more than she gave James Potter and the marauders.
But the difference is, Severus took for granted those chances, took for granted Lilyās friendship and thus cut himself from her.
It may look like Lily was the one to break their friendship but it really was the accumulation of his actions/himself that severed his friendship with Lily. (Maybe thatās why JK Rowling named him Severus - the one to sever/separate his ties)Ā
The fact of Jamesā Patronus being a stag and Lilyās being a doe only reinforces their relationship not making any sense.
Doe (Snape and Lily) form strong connections and stay together for long periods of time, and even for life.
Stag, on the other hand, get into (non literal) pissing contests with other stags and compete aggressively and violently for doe, mate for 1-3 days during breeding season while the doe is in heat, and then run off when the doe no longer wants to participate in sexual intercourse, and will run away from or fight the stag when he attempts to breed.
It also makes sense when you consider that James is inspired by JKRās abusive ex-husband, while Snape is inspired by a self proclaimed feminist.
It's okay. We all know you prefer shipping an oppressed minority with a racist bigot who called her a slur and wanted to kill everyone just like her.š
What do you have when a Snater is buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
... sending me death threats because i don't like snape is absolutely disgusting. the person who sent this knows that, otherwise they wouldn't be a coward and hide as an anon. i sincerely hope other snape fans aren't as immature and insane as this.
Do you know what I REALLY don't get? The need of some Snape fans of absolutely NEEDING Snape to be A Good Personā¢. Like, just admit he was an awful person and you like him, dude, it's not that hard.
Yes, I like the Marauders. Yes, they were bullies and they tormented Snape. Yes, I still like them. Also, I hate Snape for being a nazi and a child abuser. And no, I don't think he has enough charisma for me to like him regardless.
Other immoral characters I like include Lestat, Claudia, Louis, Armand, Daniel, Kaz Brekker, and many others. You know why? Because I don't need my favorite fictional characters to be morally superior, I need them to be interesting.
And I think the Marauders are infinitely more interesting than Snape because I find that Snape is a ill-constructed character who falls under the stereotype of a right-wing incel. I find the writing of him uninspired, morally shallow (written for shock value instead of presenting a real moral challenge) and of poor taste.
I also think that most Snape analysis in his favor are infantalizing, victimizing, dependent on villanizing everyone else, relying on moral relativism, have a terrible habit of denying Snape's agency as an adult and a man, and, to be honest, quite prone to fake progressive views while protecting conservativism and misogynistic thinking.
Also, yes, Snape was a victim to the Marauders. Guess what? That doesn't make him morally superior at all (suffering isn't redemptive) and it sure doesn't make his fans morally superior to Marauders fans.
What I hate, though, is Snape apologists behaving like they need to prove his moral superiority over the other characters instead of just accepting that their fave is a bad person. Worst yet is to see them behaving like they have the moral high ground over Marauder fans because of which character they like.
While it's okay, and even necessary, to be critical of Media, I don't trust the view of anyone who behaves like engaging with Fiction as fans is a way of showing off their moral high ground. To engage in Fiction as if it's the definition of your morality is to contribute with media illiteracy: fiction is about being interesting, not about being moral, and Snape apologists are, in my experience, the epitome of everything that is wrong about these kinds of discussion.
I love the scene where Snape comes to Grimmauld Place to tell Harry that he'll be teaching him Occlumency. I love the way Sirius puts Snape in his place by reminding him that it's his house when Snape dares to order his godson around. The fact that he does it at all is great, but the deliberately lazy way he does it makes it even better. I'm glad Sirius decided to stay for that conversation because he knows how Snape treats Harry and wants to protect him (something almost no one else ever did). For once, someone is actually standing up for Harry in front of Snape. And when Snape points out that Sirius shouldn't even be there, Sirius says it even louder. When Harry first walks in, he notices an open letter in front of Sirius. It was obviously from Dumbledore. I wonder what it said. Too bad we'll never know.
Sirius asks a perfectly reasonable question: why is Snape teaching Harry instead of Dumbledore? And he's right. Sure, Dumbledore was afraid Voldemort would spy on him through Harry (which I don't consider a good enough justification), but assigning Snape to teach him was one of his stupidest decisions. His excuse made me so angry: that he forgot some wounds run too deep. Damn it, Dumbledore, you know perfectly well that Snape hates Harry with every fiber of his being. He may "protect" him, but at the same time he does everything he can to make Harry's life miserable. Of course he was never going to teach him properly. And Harry could never relax in Snape's presence or feel safe around him. Occlumency requires clearing your mind of emotion. Harry already struggles to do that on his own, and then he's forced to learn from someone who humiliates him during every lesson and mocks his memories. Didn't Dumbledore see this outcome coming? It's hard to let go of your emotions in such a toxic environment. If Occlumency was really that important, Dumbledore should have done everything he could to make sure Harry was actually able to learn it (and maybe properly explain why he needed it in the first place). He should have asked McGonagall, for example. Maybe she wasn't a master Occlumens like Snape, but I'm sure she knew something. It would have been better for Harry to learn the basics than nothing at all. Or Flitwick. Yes, he wasn't in the Order, but Dumbledore could have asked him. After all, he asked Firenze to become the Divination teacher even though he knew what it would cost him (which was pretty awful in itself). But I'm getting sidetrackedāback to Sirius.
He warns Snape not to mistreat Harry during those lessons. Once again, someone finally steps in because of Snape's disgusting treatment of Harry. As I've said before, none of the adults had ever stood up for Harry before; they all turned a blind eye to it. But not Sirius. He understands the situation perfectly (he knows how Snape feels about him and James, and he saw how Snape treated Harry in Prisoner of Azkaban), and he tries to protect his godson, including by giving him the mirror. And Harry does the same in return, refusing to use that mirror, no matter how much Snape torments him, because he wants to protect Sirius...
And then there was the duel that almost broke out because Snape insulted the two people Sirius loved most...
I love him. š
P.S. Iām sharing my emotions on my account. If you disagree with this post or have nothing kind to say, please just scroll past and donāt start a discussion. Thank you.
"James and Sirius never faced the consequences for their actions at school!!"
The boys were always in fuckin detention wtf to you mean they didn't suffer the consequences for their actions!? Dumbledore made Lupin a perfect to straighten James and Sirius out but it didn't work. Lupin made Sirius and James feel terrible for their actions sometimes too but that didn't work either. Dumbledore probably did other things to straighten them out lol
i always have this au in the back of my mind where the jar snape threw near harry in the aftermath of the pensieve crashed against harryās head instead of the wall above him, and harry has to go to the hospital wing.
obviously sirius has to be told about his godson getting injured, so they manage to sneak him into the hospital wing. harry doesnāt want to tell him what happened at first because he doesnāt want sirius to do something rash, but sirius needles it out of him and he goes ballistic on snape
idk if iāll ever write it but i do think about it
Misogynistic fandom these days be like āGinny Weasley is such a pick me girlā
In GoF:
Ron: Hey Ginny, make you should go with Harry!
Ginny: Nah, I already have a date
In Ootp:
Ginny becomes more confident and calls Harry out on his shit
Ginny has a bf
In HBP:
Ginny has a bf
Harry has sexual dreams about her and fantasizes about her and is jealous of her bfļæ¼
She breaks up with her bf and HE kisses her
Yet sheās labelled the pick me girl by this fandom š
Meanwhile Snivellus:
obsessed over his ex bff that he called a racial slur
tells Voldy about the prophecy hoping heāll finally be his special little boy š„°
finds out the prophecy is about his ex bff and asks dumbledore to save her only, and when he calls him out, heās like fine save them all
gets his bff and her hubby killed, making her son an orphan
uses the first opportunity when he sees her son to insult him, because how dare he look like his father (who Harry didnāt even know what his father looked like until he turned 11)
spends all of his time finding ways to make hjp life miserable
breaks into his ex bff sonās house, and steals a pic of his ex bff and her signature in a letter that rightfully belonged to her son
has a patronus thatās same as his ex bff meaning heās been obsessing over a dead women for 16 years
shows memories to her son, to show that everything he did was in the name of love š¤¢
asks her son to look him in the eyes before dies (lowkey creepy af)
Yet his love is labelled romantic and so sweet by the same fandom, and they claim Snape is definitely not a pick me boyā¦ š¤Æ
Just been thinking about Lily Evans, as one does and found myself thinking, that I wanted more from her ending her friendship with Snape and so, this was born. Glad I got this out.
One thing I really wanted to make clear is that Lily isn't completely innocent. She remained friends with Snape despite knowing how he was treating other muggleborns and by god did I want to acknowledge that because as much as I love and worship the goddess that is Lily Evans, I can't help but side-eye her for that. I get not wanting to end a friendship that so very clearly means so much to you butā¦there are limits and I felt like she allowed him to pass those limits without any hard boundaries. So without anymore fuss, go on and read
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"
.
.
.
"He's out there again," Mary sighed as she shoved Lily over to make room on her bed. Lily was lying on her stomach, reading a book, when Mary came into their dorms. She didn't bother moving her head to make eye contact with her friend, but she couldn't help the huff that came out of her mouth."
"He's been doing that for the past week. He'll eventually get tired as he always does," Lily replied almost absentmindedly as she turned the page.
Mary chuckled and snatched the book out of Lily's hands, putting it out of her reach when she tried to grab it.
"He's not leaving Lily, he said he'd stay out there all night if he has to, and frankly, I don't want to see him again, so if you would kindly go tell him to fuck off, I'd appreciate it."
Lily stared at Mary and then glanced at the door, her brows furrowing. The last thing she wanted to do was go talk to Severus. He'd been following her around, begging for forgiveness, and Lily was so tired of hearing the same apologies when he refused to understand why she couldn't forgive him. Lily sat there for a long moment before she finally started to make her way down the stairs. Her legs felt like jelly, and yet her entire body felt as if weights were weighing her down. If Lily were honest with herself, she missed Severus. She missed studying with him, and she missed his dry humor. She missed the way he understood her complicated feelings about her sister. The other muggleborns had family members who were wary and cautious but not downright cruel, the way her sister was, and while Severus's father was the worst human being on the planet, they bonded over the mutual rejection.
Sighing again, Lily swept her hair away from her face, and as she finally made her way down the stairs, she ran into James and Sirius. At first, James smiled widely and opened his mouth to say something, before he took in the expression on her face. From behind him, Lily could hear Sirius tell James that Severus was outside, and Lily took in how James's expression darkened. His eyes narrowed, his lips thinned, his jaw tightened, and Lily couldn't deal with their rivalry anymore. Not when it accelerated the breakup of her friendship. Lily placed her hand in the air and shook her head, moving past them to the door. Before she could get away fully, she felt a hand on her arm. Twisting around, she came face-to-face with James again.
"If you need any help, just let us know," he said before he made his way up to the male dorms. Sirius followed close behind with a small smile in her direction. Lily watched the two boys as they made their way up the stairs before a small smile settled on her face. They were still toerags, but ever since the incident with Severus, they were less toerags and more of an occasional annoyance. She hoped they continued to mature; it would be nice not to have to constantly witness them being jerks.
.
.
.
"I'm sorry."
Lily tried her hardest not to roll her eyes. She was tired of hearing those words. Over and over again.
"I'm not interested," Lily said, crossing her arms over her chest. She stared at Severus, who stood in front of her. His clothes were rumpled, and Lily could tell he wasn't sleeping well by the dark circles underneath his eyes.
"I'm sorry!" He almost yelled, his desperation to be believed tangible in the air. It made Lily uncomfortable to hear it, not just because she didn't believe him, but because it was so close to begging. She didn't want him to beg; she didn't want him to feel as if he had to beg. She wanted him to leave her alone.
Scoffing, Lily held her arms tighter against her body, as if she were shielding herself from his words. "Save your breath."
"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.ā
"I was," Severus said instantly, his eyes locked intensely on her. "I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just - ā
"Slipped out?" Lily raised a single eyebrow at his words, and Severus wilted at her hard tone. There wasn't a single ounce of pity to be heard. She'd heard it before, but she could never accept it, even though she knew very well how hurtful words tended to slip out in anger and embarrassmentā¦the word he used, the way he said itā¦it spoke of familiarityā¦one that she was told he had. It was something that she tried to ignore and forget, something she tried her hardest to pretend didn't happen, no matter how many times she was informed. The excuses she gave, ranging from peer pressure to ignorance, all fell flat every time, and she spent years trying to avoid acknowledging that.
"Once I would have defended you, Sev. I would have said that you didn't mean it. I would have brought up the horrible influence of Mulciber and Avery. I would have done everything to find some reason to excuse itā¦like I've always done."
Lily sighed, her arms falling to her side as if she was tired of carrying the weight of the world. She turned her head to look at the wall, finding it hard to keep looking at him.
"No one could understand why I was friends with you. They didn't get to know the sweet and caring side of you, the one that you insist on hiding. Even when I tried explainingā¦the fact that you remain friends with people like Mulciber and Avery just ruined everything. They're going to be Death Eaters. You know it, I know it, just like I know you can't wait to join 'You-Know-Who', right?"
Severus could only stand there and stare at Lily, his mouth opened and closed a few times. A hundred thoughts were whirling through his mind, and yet, he couldn't form a single sentence.
Lily closed her eyes as she felt tears beginning to gather. She cried too much over this; she didn't want to shed tears anymore.
"I can't pretend anymore Sev," she whispered.
Severus made a step to go to her, to offer her comfort, but stopped when she held a hand up, halting him in his tracks.
"You've made your choice, and I've made mine." Lily made to turn and go back into the dormitory, but was stopped by a hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off harshly and faced Severus, her expression pulled into a frown.
Severus began to stammer, his hands shaking and sweating. He knew that if things were left unresolved hereā¦he could kiss any friendship he had with Lily goodbye. He tried one more time to explain himself, and still, the words could not form.
"No - listen, I didn't mean - "
" - to call me Mudblood?" Lily cut him off again, knowing exactly what he was going to say and not willing to hear it, her sadness quickly giving way to anger once again.
"But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"
She waited for Severus to answer, to explain to her why she should be treated differently. She wanted him to explain what made her blood so special, why he seemed to think that she was better than the rest of the muggleborns. She wanted him to refute the thoughts that had kept her up at night. She wanted him to tell her something, anything that would make her believe that he didn't see her in the same vein, that she wasn't one of the "good ones" simply because she was his friend.
Once again, Severus found himself struggling to give her an answer. His mouth refused to form the thoughts in his head, jumbled as they were. It was with the thought of "I'm Sorry" that Severus watched as Lily gave him one last contemptuous look before she disappeared behind the painting.
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