the feeling of being alive

lindsay · xxi · she/her · #cherrytrack ⚘᠂ for the first time in a long time᠂ ⚘

[permanentreverie]

˗ˏˋ BIO & NAVIGATION ˎˊ˗

・・・・・ truth is irrefutable and untainted by bias. sunrise, abram, death: these are truths.

ABOUT 𑁍ࠬܓ

lindsay | she/her | #cherrytrack | wannabe writer | 21 | canadian | infj | sagittarius

QUICK LINKS 𑁍ࠬܓ

period drama sideblog : @jo-mxrches

formula 1 sideblog : @vondutchstappen

pinterest | spotify | goodreads | yearly reading thread | ao3 | letterboxd | my edits | my fics | storygraph

ON MY BLOG 𑁍ࠬܓ

theatre : les misérables, hamilton, newsies, bandstand, hadestown, anastasia, next to normal + more

books : all for the game, the raven cycle, six of crows, the folk of the air, if we were villains, beartown, the poppy war, mistborn, the hunger games + more

films : 10 things i hate about you, dead poets society, dirty dancing, dune, lord of the rings, challengers, when harry met sally + more

tv : heated rivalry, yellowjackets, psych, interview with the vampire, hannibal, a:tla, fleabag, the bear + more

anime : studio ghibli, jujutsu kaisen, violet evergarden, haikyuu!!, bungou stray dogs, attack on titan + more

music : hozier, noah kahan, samia, florence + the machine, charli xcx, olivia rodrigo, maisie peters, lorde, sabrina carpenter, fleetwood mac, the 1975, sza + more

CURRENTLY 𑁍ࠬܓ

reading : hot wax by m. l. rio, to the lighthouse by virginia woolf, intermezzo by sally rooney, (reread) the king's men by nora sakavic

watching : succession s2, hell's paradise s2

listening : the great divide: the last of the bugs by noah kahan

・・・・・inbox is always open! come tell me about your day, what you're currently reading, give me recommendations, or ask about anything - i love to chat ♡

[handsywoman]

shoulder kisses and backshots

[ilya-rozanova]

heated rivalry: endless gifs

[firstprinced]

sloppy style for @peachyjude (HAPPY BIRTHDAY ILU ERIN) <3 ⇒ (insp from my other set with zoom n spit)

[vampireistic]

i absolutely love how nikki is nearly always bathed in shadow (whether it’s fully in the dark or with a single light behind her with her as the faceless darkness). she’s quite literally become a shadow of her former self. no autonomy, no personal thoughts or emotions, just a carved image of what bear desired.

[wingsseni]

[chris-hargreeves]

[permanentreverie]

[iwrotemrtambourineman]

top five hugest most blow up fights shane and ilya have while married? pleaseeeeeeeeeee

this is such a beautiful question thank you so much for coming to me with this 🙏 I think most of their fights are like Ilya needling and Shane going, "Do you ever the fuck up?" and then they don't talk for 10 minutes to 2 hours and come back and give half-hearted apologies that are mostly more because they are embarrassed than actually because they're actually sorry, but here are my top five actual blow up fights not in any actual order:

Ilya is telling Shane about how he used to skip school on his mama's bad days where she wouldn't be able to get out of bed and make her tea and Shane makes a face and says, "You shouldn't have had to take care of her. You were just a kid."

When Shane finds out Ilya let him win at rummy one time (because he didn't want to play the stupid card game, Hollander) and it deteriorates into yelling about if he let him win here, where the fuck else did he let him win?

Reoccurring blow up fights about Ilya going on medication that usually something like "I don't want to rely on pills for the rest of my life, Shane." "Well its that or I fucking uninstall the locks on the bathroom, Ilya!". These get especially worse after Svetlana visits and lets slip the one time Ilya did swallow a bunch of pills and she had to break down the bathroom door and stick her fingers down his throat when they were 15.

They are already having a fight about something (Shane scheduling a sponsorship meeting on a day off, Ilya telling the Centaurs that he can't go out because Shane won't let him, if Shane is being too hard on Haas, etc.) and Ilya goes, "Why don't you just get on your knees, Hollander?" and Shane is immediately madder than he's ever been in his entire life.

Ilya accidentally sends a money transfer to Alexei (for his niece) from their joint account and when Shane asks about it and Ilya's like, "Oh, sorry that was supposed to be from my account." and Shane's like, "I just don't understand how you can send him money. He's just going to fucking snort it."

[permanentreverie]

saw the video of connor trying on hudson's jacket from the met gala and got filled with such parasocial rpf musings my mind is creating cathedrals rn

[permanentreverie]

ok so do you think that after connor groaned, cigarette tight between clenched teeth, that 'it doesn't fit, huddy' and hudson relented and took his jacket back, shaking his head as he shrugged it back on, because he had no problem pulling it over his shoulders - fuckin' tailor made for him - and that it was his dumb idea, just wanted to see connor in his baby blue, but it didn't fit over his fucking biceps-

do you think the next day hudson stayed longer at the gym. longer than he needed to, longer than what was recommended for his routine. did the set for one round longer, held the weights for one second longer, till every breath was a fight.

because wasn't that what he always wanted? and always one step behind- first day of rehearsals, stripping down with chala, holy fuck connor, your ass is huge, and got a friendly wink in reply, it's all in the ground beef, baby in dramatized texan drawl.

so hudson eats the ground beef. he pounds back that protein powder, getting up 4 hours before you have to be on set to hit the gym with the guy you knew you wanted since that damned chemistry zoom call. who wears his sexual preferences in a sunshine smile and proudly shows hudson his old photoshoots, the ones with the body piercings and long hair and skirts. who took this role because it was so different from who he really was- not 6'2, not russian, and not because his character felt familiar- like someone who really never felt like himself, and who always had something big to uphold.

because connor can pretend to have sex with hudson. he can pretend that fucking another man in the ass is easy, is joyful, is euphoric. that the want is not fucking terrifying.

where do you guys think the line blurred between hudson wanting to be with connor and wanting to be him? in wanting to see connor in his met gala outfit that was tailor made to his measurements, and pretend just once?

[permanentreverie]

saw the video of connor trying on hudson's jacket from the met gala and got filled with such parasocial rpf musings my mind is creating cathedrals rn

[russianblush]

hudhealings are among us

[omegaversereloaded]

youll be able to find books and movies and music that change your life until the day you die. that's pretty good

[hollanovs-ilya]

I need... What? You know. Tell me. You. I need you.

[hollanovs-ilya]

I need... What? You know. Tell me. You. I need you.

[permanentreverie]

i've really missed you guys. i love it here.

[havanaberry]

Hudson Williams for Wonderland Magazine