Dicks 'n' Shit Inc.

Dirk Strider. 18. He/Him. Labels are fucking shitty but if you must know then I like men.

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How does one even tell the person he just met, soon to be roommate, (friend?), that is holding your hand- that they’re cute?

Dirk sure as hell didn’t know. But his hand was soft and warm, and he loved it.

Sadly, once they got to the car, they had to break the link. Dirk was still polite as to opening the passenger door for Jake before running over to his side and getting in the car.

Jake, admittedly, was a little disappointed that they had to break the link between them. Dirk’s hand had felt way too nice for its own good in his, and he frowned a little for a moment before resuming his cheerful smile, nodding to him gratefully as he slipped into the car, buckling up then leaning back.

“So just a warning, you might have to be doing some walking. I live on the fifth floor, and the elevator at this complex sucks.”

He informed, not looking at Jake while he started the car.

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‘Hey bastard this store is already closed oh wait you’re hot never mind please do come in’ AU

“Hey, listen buddy can you read? The sign says we close at nine o’clock. I realize it’s nine-thirty, pal, but that’s because I have a lot to clean up before we clo-” 

He stopped mid rant. While trying to get this douche out of the small pharmacy he worked at, the guy apparently just started to pay attention, turning to face Dirk.

Shit.

Oh no, he’s? He’s cute? Fuck now what does he do?

“U-Uh, actually you know what? Come on in. You can shop while I finish closing up.”

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After a moment to think he fished out a few bills, a slip of paper, and scribbled something down on the paper before slipping it between the bills and shoving it over to him on the counter.

For your time.

Before Dirk could object, Jake hurried off. If Dirk looked at the paper, it would be shown to have his number on it with the words “Call me?” written  under it.

Dirk opened the small slip of paper, reading the jumbled numbers and the cute lil’ “Call me?” written above them. He certainly was going to call this guy. Considering he was single as-fuck and that guy was beyond cute.

He took a picture of the paper on his phone, just in case he lost it, then shoved both into his pockets. 

Locking the register, and flipping the sign from open to close- Dirk was done. He got in his crap car, and drove home.

The next morning he woke up, groggy as usual. He made a bowl of cereal and sat in front of the tv, watching a rerun of Battlebots. His phone buzzed. He pulled it out of his pocket, seeing it was only a shit notification from a lame app that never knew how to shut up. Honestly, he didn’t even need that app anymore. He unlocked his phone, going to delete the shitmonster from his phone. 

His camera roll was open.

He stared at the blurry pic of the cute boy from last night’s number. What time was it? Noon? God, he had to stop sleeping in so late. He stared at the number for a while, thinking. 

Before he knew it, Dirk was opening the ‘phone’ app. Typing in the boys number he pressed ‘call’ and waited.

[houseofhorrormovies]

Dead Silence (2007)

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Oh god.

“Eeuughsf, yeah let’s go…”

He chuckled at his response and followed as they began moving, humming a little to himself.

How does one even tell the person he just met, soon to be roommate, (friend?), that is holding your hand- that they’re cute?

Dirk sure as hell didn’t know. But his hand was soft and warm, and he loved it.

Sadly, once they got to the car, they had to break the link. Dirk was still polite as to opening the passenger door for Jake before running over to his side and getting in the car.

[hopefulpage-blog]

‘I can feel you silently judging me as you ring up my purchases I swear I’m not using these for their intended purpose’ au

What Jake had not been expecting was the fact that there was this relatively cute lad with a pile of various sex toys. Sure, they did carry them, but nobody really got more then one or two at a time. This guy was going pretty much overboard - There had to be at least a dozen toys he wanted to buy.

His face was red as a beet as he rang them up with shaky hands, refusing to make eye contact with him and just get this over with. It was probably pretty gosh darn obvious that he was flustered as all hell, but whatever.

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Not a problem ol chap.

He pushed everything into the bag and offered it to him, considering sneaking his phone number in there but deciding against it. He didn’t really know how this guy would feel about that.

“So there’s this diner across the street and,”

he stopped, pulling out an old reciept from his pocket, and grabbed a pen from the cup by the cash register,

“I mean it’s up to you, but I’ll be there for most of today.”

The pen started to scribble out his number on the paper, then handing the receipt to Jake, he smiled.

“So if you get off work soon, give me a call and I’ll be waiting for your arrival.”

[phallusshit-blog]

‘Hey bastard this store is already closed oh wait you’re hot never mind please do come in’ AU

“Hey, listen buddy can you read? The sign says we close at nine o’clock. I realize it’s nine-thirty, pal, but that’s because I have a lot to clean up before we clo-” 

He stopped mid rant. While trying to get this douche out of the small pharmacy he worked at, the guy apparently just started to pay attention, turning to face Dirk.

Shit.

Oh no, he’s? He’s cute? Fuck now what does he do?

“U-Uh, actually you know what? Come on in. You can shop while I finish closing up.”

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That should be it.

He stated in confirmation, paying quickly before taking the bottle and stuffing it in the pocket of his green jacket.

“Alright then have a nice night, sir.”

He smiled awkwardly, handing the receipt to the green clad boy.

[phallusshit-blog]

‘Hey bastard this store is already closed oh wait you’re hot never mind please do come in’ AU

“Hey, listen buddy can you read? The sign says we close at nine o’clock. I realize it’s nine-thirty, pal, but that’s because I have a lot to clean up before we clo-” 

He stopped mid rant. While trying to get this douche out of the small pharmacy he worked at, the guy apparently just started to pay attention, turning to face Dirk.

Shit.

Oh no, he’s? He’s cute? Fuck now what does he do?

“U-Uh, actually you know what? Come on in. You can shop while I finish closing up.”

[phallusshit-blog]

hopefulpage:

phallusshit

“It’s no worries, honestly.”

He waved him off, adjusting his black tank that was staring to ride up.

If you insist.

He offered him a grateful little smile before walking over to the cash register, looking behind him to see if he was coming.

Dirk went behind the counter and pulled out the notepad, writing up the after-closing purchase in the daily notes, and then rang up the meds.

“Is that all for today?”

[hopefulpage-blog]

‘I can feel you silently judging me as you ring up my purchases I swear I’m not using these for their intended purpose’ au

What Jake had not been expecting was the fact that there was this relatively cute lad with a pile of various sex toys. Sure, they did carry them, but nobody really got more then one or two at a time. This guy was going pretty much overboard - There had to be at least a dozen toys he wanted to buy.

His face was red as a beet as he rang them up with shaky hands, refusing to make eye contact with him and just get this over with. It was probably pretty gosh darn obvious that he was flustered as all hell, but whatever.

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Ive got it really. Not every time a cute fellow such as yourself walks into the store and buys a bunch of mock sex toys.

He offered a silly little wink, grinning coyly before taking out his debit card and paying for half of it, then nodding to him.

Wow, cute? Wow. Wow. 

“Wow.”

Dirk that was stupid.

“I mean, thank you. Really.”

Wow.

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“Thats cool. Very chill, yeah. It’s a good movie you’ll like it yeah.”

God he couldn’t keep himself together. Jake was just way too cute and sweet, and he would really like to hold his hand right now.

Okay wow Dirk really was freaking out. It was cute actually. He bit down on the inside of his cheek before reaching out to take his hand in his, looking up at him after they paid.

Lead the way then mate.

Oh god.

“Eeuughsf, yeah let’s go...”

[phallusshit-blog]

‘Hey bastard this store is already closed oh wait you’re hot never mind please do come in’ AU

“Hey, listen buddy can you read? The sign says we close at nine o’clock. I realize it’s nine-thirty, pal, but that’s because I have a lot to clean up before we clo-” 

He stopped mid rant. While trying to get this douche out of the small pharmacy he worked at, the guy apparently just started to pay attention, turning to face Dirk.

Shit.

Oh no, he’s? He’s cute? Fuck now what does he do?

“U-Uh, actually you know what? Come on in. You can shop while I finish closing up.”

[phallusshit-blog]

hopefulpage:

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Ah im just looking for some simple cold medication. Do you know where that might be?

He asked idly, looking over at him.

He hopped over the counter and started towards the third isle, waving for him to follow.

“Cold medicine would be down here. Is this for you or someone else? And what symptoms? Knowing could help me find the best choice for you to get.”

Ah it happens to be for my cousin. Hes got the whole shebang really. Sore throat, runny nose, stuffy as well, and coughing.

He listed off the symptoms with ease, following after him.

“Ohh, that must suck. Sorry for him. Lucky he has someone nice like you though.”

He made a wincing sound, followed by an -ah ha!- and grabbed a purple bottle of cold medicine off the shelf.

“Here this should work.”

Oh. He felt his face redden slightly, and he hoped it wouldn’t be too obvious as he offered a smile to him and took the bottle.

Thank you much ol chap! Im sorry for keeping you.

“It’s no worries, honestly.”

He waved him off, adjusting his black tank that was staring to ride up.

[hopefulpage-blog]

‘I can feel you silently judging me as you ring up my purchases I swear I’m not using these for their intended purpose’ au

What Jake had not been expecting was the fact that there was this relatively cute lad with a pile of various sex toys. Sure, they did carry them, but nobody really got more then one or two at a time. This guy was going pretty much overboard - There had to be at least a dozen toys he wanted to buy.

His face was red as a beet as he rang them up with shaky hands, refusing to make eye contact with him and just get this over with. It was probably pretty gosh darn obvious that he was flustered as all hell, but whatever.

[phallusshit-blog]

hopefulpage:

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“I major in robotics technology, and one of my minors is psychology.” 

He nodded, pulling out his wallet. 

“So how much is all this gonna cost me?”

Sounds quite interesting! Sadly i dont think id be smart enough to do all that.

He chuckled in response, then totaled up the cost before turning back to him.

Er thatll be around fifty dollars but ill pay for around half of it. My treat.

“No no, it was a bet that I lost. I’ll cover it.” 

He wasn’t gonna let the poor kid he made nervous-as-hell pay for a shit-load of dildos.

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To be honest, it wasn’t just Dirk feeling this “minor” attraction. Jake was pretty pumped to be living with an attractive fellow who was also attracted to men. He leaned towards men himself, so this would be fun.

Yes ill surely join you seeing as i live with you now. And no sirree i dont have a car. I walked. Good to get a little exercise!

He turned his head to chuckle as he walked up with him, digging his wallet out of the pocket of his green jacket.

“You can put that away, I’ll get the movie. No biggie.” 

He waved at Jake’s wallet, trying to get him to put it down.

“We could watch one of them tonight, it’s your pick if we do.”

Oh! Are you sure? I really can pay for it but if you insist.

He’d have to pay him back later. He tucked his wallet back into his jacket, putting his movie on the counter.

Sounds fun.

A faint blush showed up on his face, sadly this was more prominent. Plus whenever he blushed it made his freckles pop out more. God damned sun.

“Uhh yeah. Yeah fun, um. What do you think you’d want to watch first?”

Lucky for him, Jake didn’t notice the sudden reddening of Dirk’s face and instead shrugged his shoulders.

We can watch yours first mate! 

“Thats cool. Very chill, yeah. It’s a good movie you’ll like it yeah.”

God he couldn’t keep himself together. Jake was just way too cute and sweet, and he would really like to hold his hand right now.

[phallusshit-blog]

‘Hey bastard this store is already closed oh wait you’re hot never mind please do come in’ AU

“Hey, listen buddy can you read? The sign says we close at nine o’clock. I realize it’s nine-thirty, pal, but that’s because I have a lot to clean up before we clo-” 

He stopped mid rant. While trying to get this douche out of the small pharmacy he worked at, the guy apparently just started to pay attention, turning to face Dirk.

Shit.

Oh no, he’s? He’s cute? Fuck now what does he do?

“U-Uh, actually you know what? Come on in. You can shop while I finish closing up.”

[phallusshit-blog]

hopefulpage:

phallusshit:

hopefulpage:

Ah im just looking for some simple cold medication. Do you know where that might be?

He asked idly, looking over at him.

He hopped over the counter and started towards the third isle, waving for him to follow.

“Cold medicine would be down here. Is this for you or someone else? And what symptoms? Knowing could help me find the best choice for you to get.”

Ah it happens to be for my cousin. Hes got the whole shebang really. Sore throat, runny nose, stuffy as well, and coughing.

He listed off the symptoms with ease, following after him.

“Ohh, that must suck. Sorry for him. Lucky he has someone nice like you though.”

He made a wincing sound, followed by an -ah ha!- and grabbed a purple bottle of cold medicine off the shelf.

“Here this should work.”

[phallusshit-blog]

hopefulpage:

phallusshit:

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To be honest, it wasn’t just Dirk feeling this “minor” attraction. Jake was pretty pumped to be living with an attractive fellow who was also attracted to men. He leaned towards men himself, so this would be fun.

Yes ill surely join you seeing as i live with you now. And no sirree i dont have a car. I walked. Good to get a little exercise!

He turned his head to chuckle as he walked up with him, digging his wallet out of the pocket of his green jacket.

“You can put that away, I’ll get the movie. No biggie.” 

He waved at Jake’s wallet, trying to get him to put it down.

“We could watch one of them tonight, it’s your pick if we do.”

Oh! Are you sure? I really can pay for it but if you insist.

He’d have to pay him back later. He tucked his wallet back into his jacket, putting his movie on the counter.

Sounds fun.

A faint blush showed up on his face, sadly this was more prominent. Plus whenever he blushed it made his freckles pop out more. God damned sun.

“Uhh yeah. Yeah fun, um. What do you think you’d want to watch first?”

[hopefulpage-blog]

‘I can feel you silently judging me as you ring up my purchases I swear I’m not using these for their intended purpose’ au

What Jake had not been expecting was the fact that there was this relatively cute lad with a pile of various sex toys. Sure, they did carry them, but nobody really got more then one or two at a time. This guy was going pretty much overboard - There had to be at least a dozen toys he wanted to buy.

His face was red as a beet as he rang them up with shaky hands, refusing to make eye contact with him and just get this over with. It was probably pretty gosh darn obvious that he was flustered as all hell, but whatever.

[phallusshit-blog]

hopefulpage:

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“Hah, yeah. Still sorry for buggin’ you out. Should’ve explained myself before, instead of dumping all this on you. But a bet’s a bet.”

He laughed, letting his hands go into the pockets of his jeans.

“So are you in college?”

Maybe talking about something else would bring the cute cashier-guys mind off the giant purple dildo he was scanning.

He nodded awkwardly then looked up at him, trying not to focus on the fact that he was literally scanning a bunch of sex toys. Sure, the attractive blonde fellow wasn’t actually going to use them, but still.

College? Oh indeed i do! Im majoring in geology. What about you?

Hey, might as well make small talk with the hot tall guy.

“I major in robotics technology, and one of my minors is psychology.” 

He nodded, pulling out his wallet. 

“So how much is all this gonna cost me?”

[hopefulpage-blog]

‘I can feel you silently judging me as you ring up my purchases I swear I’m not using these for their intended purpose’ au

What Jake had not been expecting was the fact that there was this relatively cute lad with a pile of various sex toys. Sure, they did carry them, but nobody really got more then one or two at a time. This guy was going pretty much overboard - There had to be at least a dozen toys he wanted to buy.

His face was red as a beet as he rang them up with shaky hands, refusing to make eye contact with him and just get this over with. It was probably pretty gosh darn obvious that he was flustered as all hell, but whatever.

[phallusshit-blog]

hopefulpage:

phallusshit:

He could feel the heat radiating from this guy. Honestly he should just explain himself to help the poor dude out. 

“Listen I can hear your weird brain-waves freaking the fuck out over these so let me explain: I lost a bet with the dudes in my frat house so now I have to put all these weird vibrators, and dildos, and whatever else bullshit I grabbed off the shelf… and put them in the dean of our college’s office. Y’know? Dildos on the desk. Chokers in the filing cabinet. Classic college boy bullshit.”

His emerald-green gaze flicked upwards and he nodded, trying to play it off as cool, even though he still was freaking the hell out.

Not a problem ol chap! I understand completely. We carry these items for a reason im used to it.

He reassured him in his British accent, nodding before going back to scanning.

“Hah, yeah. Still sorry for buggin’ you out. Should’ve explained myself before, instead of dumping all this on you. But a bet’s a bet.”

He laughed, letting his hands go into the pockets of his jeans.

“So are you in college?”

Maybe talking about something else would bring the cute cashier-guys mind off the giant purple dildo he was scanning.

[phallusshit-blog]

‘Hey bastard this store is already closed oh wait you’re hot never mind please do come in’ AU

“Hey, listen buddy can you read? The sign says we close at nine o’clock. I realize it’s nine-thirty, pal, but that’s because I have a lot to clean up before we clo-” 

He stopped mid rant. While trying to get this douche out of the small pharmacy he worked at, the guy apparently just started to pay attention, turning to face Dirk.

Shit.

Oh no, he’s? He’s cute? Fuck now what does he do?

“U-Uh, actually you know what? Come on in. You can shop while I finish closing up.”

[phallusshit-blog]

hopefulpage:

phallusshit:

hopefulpage:

It was true, Jake had not been listening when he started. He had had his earbuds in, actually, and had not even noticed the time. Browsing through the cold medication, he had finally heard him and turned around.

He had been ready to just apologize and depart, come back tomorrow, until he heard him. He offered a small, grateful smile, nodding.

Sorry about that ol chap! I didnt realize it was so late. I just have to find this medication really swift and ill be out of your hair.

“It’s no problem, really,” it was, “I didn’t cash the register out for the day yet, so you’re a lucky one. Is there anything I can help you find?”

Ah im just looking for some simple cold medication. Do you know where that might be?

He asked idly, looking over at him.

He hopped over the counter and started towards the third isle, waving for him to follow.

“Cold medicine would be down here. Is this for you or someone else? And what symptoms? Knowing could help me find the best choice for you to get.”