since this might break containment,and now that i feel i can somewhat coherently tell my story. here's a long story not so short, i had been suffering from horrible headaches since the summer of 2024.i was in the ER almost daily at one point. i was so sick i was projectile vomiting out of nowhere the pain was so horrid i was afraid to be alone and i literally cried in pain.every er visit was the same, they gave me painkillers and i eventually started to feel better and they let me go home.i had to call an ambulance for myself several times. i saw a neurologist.who said it was just migraine. now i have had migranes before and they had never been like this.but i didn't contest a profssional. and was kind of happy the diagnosis was nothing dangerous. so i accepted it.
next i lost my ability to read. i suddenly did not recognise letters anymore. when i tried to read something out only gibberis came out of my mouth.i vouldn't watch tv because it made me dizzy. to a doctor i go again. oh it's just migrane.never in my life has migrane affected me like this but ok. i'll take it.
again, finding solace in the fact that everyone is diagnosing it as migrane. so it's nothing dangerous or serious.
one evening, i went to bed like normal, having no idea what awaited me in the morning.
i e´woke up like normal. got up from the bed, or tried to get up. i just remember how suddenly the night stand was coming closer and closer. as my body crashed into it breaking it in half, i realised i had been falling.
from there i xrashed ontto the floor.never to be able to get up.
my consciousness was going in and out so i didn't really understand what was going on. i was just very confused about my sudden fall.i thought i must have tripped on something.
in reality. my neck artery had been severed and it was bleeding into my brain. causing it to swell up and take massive damage. while i slept. so when i woke up i was already paralyzed and that's why i fell.
my hell was just beginning. i was on the floor and my limbs were not working. my phone had been on the night stand and now it was out of my reach.honestly had i been able to call i would have only managed garbled nonsense.
i drifted between vague idea of reality and hallucinations. only able to babble absolute insanity.
finally after 3 or so days had passed like this.my mother finally came to see if i was ok because she had not been able to reach me at all. she found me on the bedroom floor barely conscious in a pool of my own blood.
i didn't even understand anyone was there all i could see was bright white light and i couldn't understand what i was hearing. none of it really made any sense to me. mom called an ambulance. and suddenly i remember there being many voices and a lot of activity around me. one of the first responders was trying to keep me conscious slapping me on the cheek and continuously telling me to stay with them and not to close my eyes. tthen i heard mom's voice oh no jen, something terrible has happened but don't worry you get to go to the hospital now. all i could think of was why?? i didnn't even hurt myself badly during that fall! i was not conscious enough to realise it wasn't the fall, it was what was happening in my brain.
so i was taken to a hospital.where the severety of my situation started to dawn on me. as i realised i couldn't changé my position in the hospital bed at all. and then i realised my left arm and leg were doing nothing my left arm felt fake and not part of me..also i couldn't see to my left.
so i was half blind and paralyzed. great.
my first thought was i wish i had died instead. this life isn't worth living anymore.i'll be just a passive lump in a bed unable to take part in life.
when i got my phone finally, i realised how bad my cognitive damage reallywas, i didn't know how to operate the phone at all.it was like i had never seen a smart phone in my life.
stubbornly i tried to make sense of it. i finally imanaged to contact people. and word traveled to tumblr. and i received a massive amount of wonderful supportive messages from prople. and my wish for my own death melted away.i realised there are still wonderful peoplewho care about me to keep in contact with andi can still do something goodwith this life of mine by making these people happy.by continuing to do what i have done til now. i can still do something meaningful!
and that's how i got over the initial shock. every time my thoughts got dark. i dug up those messages to drown out the darkness. at least i still had the fandom to live for!
i have been trying to get back to normal life the best i can.
i'm currently out of hospital but i cannot live independently. i'm in assisted living. which is basically a carehome.i have 24/7nurse care. it beats being in a hospital but it does cost me around 1k a month. on top of a lot of other necessary expences.
i'm looking at the older posts i made about this stuff.and i'm having a hard time understanding myself so bless everyone who attempted to decypher my gibberis. i'm taking a lot of extra time to type this up.real nice and legible.
my issue is some days my cognitive issues flare up. my brain is severly damaged, in mri scans there are black areas essentially meaning there is no activity. those parts of my brain are as good as dead.
the parts of my brain that handle vision did take a lot of damage. i'm lucky to have what little of it i have. the biggest issue still is visual neglect on the left side. what that means is basically. my brain has trouble figuring out what i'm seeimng on the left side, and if it's too difficult to understand my brain just gives up and visually erases things from existance,so i keep like bumping into furniture i didn't see.
sometimes its a whole object, or partial. like the creepiest was when people started missing their heads for me this issue still makes my life difficult. but i have learned if i don't find something to turn my headwhile looking to the left.this helps. but as a result. its not safe for me to go outside alone i might get ran over by a car i did not see coming etc. or i could get lost because just navigating my surroundings is hard, my vision is warped, sometimes i even see things that are not there. like a way has been barred when it is not in reality.
i also hallucinate sometimes, these are both visual and auditorial.which makes them feel super real.sometimes it's hard to tell what is reality and what isn't.
i also have trouble withflow of time. sometimes i don't know if it's the next day and have i slept or not.
also imagining things is hsrd for me. or just thinking about abstract concepts.
also putting my thoughts to words or text is hard.
i have difficulty speaking. and sometimes my speech is unclear.the amopunt of times i have had to repeat myself isn't even funny, i also have to slow down my speech which makes me look stupid most likely but heck if i care.
many days i spend sitting in my assisted living home, staring forwardnodding off and drooling barely aware of my surroundings,
so yay. but at least i have this outlet. to keep in contact with ppl and do something fun.
i have tried my best to find rarer images for the fandom again but it's been hard. i've been doing my best.
i keep thinking to myself" i didn't come this far to give up now!
just sheer stubbornness and unwillingness to give up has kept me going.
i was so close to death. i could have died on my bedroom floor. i'd like to think there is a reason i'm still here.i'm lucky to be alive.
