An ocean of meaning without context🔮 @phoenix-princesss - Tumblr Blog

Styrofoam coffins

Does it ever blow your mind that music and art and poetry and math and physics and science are all trying to distinctly but uniquely describe the same truths?

They all press on to understand and share their slice of the depth and ecstasy and sorrow that is existence.

I can spend my whole life building and acquiring complex, intricate skills and specialized knowledge; I can reach towards the edge of the known universe and touch God with faith...

...and in the next breath everything I ever knew or felt or stored in my brain is gone

At church last week,

I watched a baby wonder at the fact that it had hands while the congregation clapped at the several centennials in the audience for still being alive,

And all I could think was

"in a hundred years every single person in this building will be dead,"

and nobody will care how much Starbucks they drank, or inflation's impact on the price of milk.

Everything seems so fucking important all the time.

But goddamn,

we're

all

fucking

small.

(And most of the stuff in our heads doesn't even matter)

__________

All that is to say that I'm scared of the day when my mom dies because I won't be able to call her and tell her that I love her and how much it sucks here without her.

I dread watching everyone I've ever loved sitting motionless inside a coffin, their hands waxy and cold.

I always stare at the hands because the faces are never quite right; the makeup on the faces always looks like dead people's makeup, something that was never made for the living.

I dread holding my animals and trying to capture the smell of their scent before that piece of them is eclipsed by the smells of death.

(No time or presence ever seems like enough when viewed through the lens of loss.)

Since I'm not a very good Buddhist, I haven't figured out how to not be sad that everyone and everything I ever love will be dead, and our atoms scattered and recycled until the heat death of the universe.

I can't figure out if the staggeringly beauty of it all… if the sheer wonder and terror and awe that comes from knowing that we're on a twirling rock hurtling around a giant ball of gas that's floating inside an endless expanse of mostly nothing is wonderful or terrible knowledge.

Buddhists want you to see it all and become less attached and therefore suffer less, but the more I learn...the more I crave to never lose them, and so my suffering increases

But honestly,

I think constant existential angst is a fair price to pay for knowing that even my discreet choices matter. They don't at all in the scale of human existence; in a hundred years everyone I know and love will be dead, our bodies decomposing and atoms escaping to go off and do other things.

But each choice matters infinitely in the scale of a single existence, where

love,

hope,

joy,

and bliss

are things people spend their lives trying to reach and properly express.

So I can choose to spend my limited minutes with, and to give you shit about smoking cigarettes,

because it's not forever, and I want as much as I can get.

elsewhereuniversity

Dear Archivist, if you have the time to indulge my Curiosity, how would I fare if I had sought Elsewhere? A Psychology major, learner of calligraphy, who loves watches but has had increasingly bad luck wearing them regularly. A twin, someone with a double of double names, an occasional writer, and a dabbler in poetry. Does things in twos, loves the sea. In exchange, a memory of a sun shower, a feeling of petting a black cat sitting on a neighbor’s driveway, and the taste of my last homemade pie.

You get a magic stick-and-poke tattoo from a witch two floors up. He told you up front he was a witch, to be fair, but you thought he was joking - it was the tail end of a weird evening, the kind of evening where getting a stick-and-poke tattoo in a dorm room from a self-professed witch seems like a reasonable way to wrap up the night. It was, initially, two bunnies on your ankle: very cute, if a little awkwardly drawn, and no larger than a quarter. The problem is that you keep finding more bunnies, much smaller ones, in places you are certain you were not tattooed, and that’s getting increasingly concerning.

akindplace

Kaitlyn

6eaze-deactivated20150220

my baba sent me this on whatsapp

thibah-deactivated20160910

bye

assassinationtipsforladies

Everything we’ve done as a species to create a global communications network has just been justified

bullet-journal-formyvalentine

ADHD gothic:

~It's 12:01 pm when you start your essay. You look at the clock 30 minutes later. It's 6:45 pm and the sky is dark.

~You make a coffee, your usual. Two sugar cubes and milk, just the way you like it. You put it on the table to cool. It's gone. Later you find it on your bookcase.

~You open your notebook after finding it in your bookcase after a month of it being lost. There are notes from last week in what looks to be your own handwriting. You dont remember the class.

~You set an alarm for 3 o clock at 2:30. It doesn't go off so you pick up the phone to check about two hours later. It goes off in your hand. It's still 3 o'clock.

~Your keys were on your bag. You walk into the bathroom. They are on the counter.

~You are talking with 3 of your friends on the way home from class. There are 10 voices. There is noone else around other than some doves.

~Your keys are in the bathroom. Again. You haven't gone to the bathroom yet today.

~Your tea disappears. You make another one. That one disappears too.

~You make a tea. It disappears. You give up and go to the other room. There are 5 mugs of the same tea. You only remember making 3.

maureen2musings

…

patrickthunphoto

akindplace

Michael Schneider on instagram

micro-usb-deactivated20230625

healingchildhoodtrauma

In the last year I’ve gone from, “wow I have no idea what’s wrong with me.. guess I’m just fucked up!!”

to “I’ve finally found an explanation for everything ... I actually have to pace myself in processing it because it’s so intense....”

defiantsuggestions

Having a child is a long term commitment to a heavy, heavy responsibility which demands energy, attention, and time.

To have a child is to bring an entire person into the world. This person can not consent to this. This person is inherently vulnerable, hardwired to depend on you, and must be taught the skills neccessary to one day care for themself.

When you have a child, that child's well being is entirely on you. It's your job to keep them safe, to keep them fed, cloathed, and happy. It's your job to make sure they feel loved.

When you choose to have a child, you are signing up to spend years and years of resources on that child. That is your choice. The child was not alive and could not agree to your decision to drag them out of the void of nonexistence. The child was not asked if they wanted to experience an entire lifetime of conciousness, and all of the potential suffering and agony that comes with that.

That decision is entirely that of the parent who has made the choice to have a child.

You are not "granting the gift of life." You are not doing this hypothetical child a favor by having them. You are doing this for you, because you wanted to be a parent. You wanted to have the experience of raising a child.

This means that if you have a child, you owe that child. You owe them time, and love, and safety, and care. You asked for this, it is now your responsibly to follow through.

Children are not a toy. They aren't a fancy new car for you to parade to your friends. They aren't a fashion accessory for you to put on the shelf when you lose interest. They aren't a mini you. They aren't a magic cure-all to your trauma, and they aren't there to fill some void in your chest.

They are a vulnerable person who is easily abused and neglected and who will be at your mercy throughout much of their development period.

A parent owes their child. Failing to follow through with the responsibility they signed up for is a failing on the parent's part. Making the child feel guilty for the crime of existing is the fault of the parent. A child is never a burden.

Abusive and neglectful parents are failures as parents. They could not do the bare basics of what the job entails and then they blame the child for a crime that the parents themselves committed.

infpisme

The most striking difference between normal controls and survivors of chronic trauma was in activation of the prefrontal cortex in response to a direct eye gaze. The prefrontal cortex (PFC) normally helps us to assess the person coming toward us, and our mirror neurons help to pick up his intentions. However, the subjects with PTSD did not activate any part of their frontal lobe, which means they could not muster any curiosity about the stranger. They just reacted with intense activation deep inside their emotional brains, in the primitive areas known as the Periaqueductal Gray, which generates startle, hypervigilance, cowering, and other self-protective behaviors. There was no activation of any part of the brain involved in social engagement. In response to being looked at they simply went into survival mode.

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma

healingchildhoodtrauma

Here is a list of 14 common inner critic attacks divided into the key categories of perfectionism and endangerment. Each is paired with a healthier (and typically more accurate) thought-substitution response.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

1. Perfectionism: My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

2. All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking: I reject extreme or overgeneralized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative happenstance does not mean I am stuck in a never-ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me as “always” or “never” this or that, are typically grossly inaccurate.

3. Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame: I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

4. Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/

Looping/ Over-Futurizing: I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” - The Serenity Prayer

5. Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons: To others or to one’s most perfect moments. I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare “my insides to their outsides”. I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all the time. In a society that pressure us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

6. Guilt: Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”.

7. "Shoulding”: I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation.

8. Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism: I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

9. Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/Name-Calling: I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to them onto myself or current people in my life. “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. - Jane Eyre

ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS

10. Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondrisizing: I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not “in trouble” with my parents. I will not blow things out of proportion. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks.

11. Negative focus: I renounce over-noticing & dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts Life offers me, e.g., friends, nature, music, film, food, beauty, color, pets, etc.

12. Time Urgency: I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.

13. Disabling Performance Anxiety: I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions.

14. Perseverating About Being Attacked: Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will thought-stop my projection of past bully/critics onto others. The vast majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people... I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support.

http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Pete Walker M.A., MFT Therapy for and recovery from childhood trauma, abuse and/or neglect, in the East Bay

phoenix-princesss

Some days are okay,

Some days I can't do a damn thing. 🎲🎲🎲

My mind is a hurricane, tilt-a-whirl, endless game of "Great ideas."

"Great, but I need to finish a single fucking task."

I scream back at myself - Scream into the void - it's fucking nonsense.

How can I have the sense to see all the things I need to be and yet not be able to achieve them?

Not achieve any of them?

What a fucking joke, and I'm the punchline

Punchline, straight line, drink wine, Cutlery.

"What?"

Yeah, It's kinda like that.

I can see the bigger picture and the lattice of items that needs to be to support the weight of the outcomes that I'm seeking.

But it's like building the fucking tower of Babel when your brain can't organize itself and every second thought distracts you from yourself.

My office is filled with half-done projects and piles of papers.

I may succeed in adversity but I can only get major work done in a crisis.

Just existing is exhausting.

Keeping the train on the tracks takes all my effort.

And I still fail. daily.

It may be a cute story to see a kid with ADD running around crazy on tv, but excuse me, what is this bullshit hand I got dealt with and then asked to be a competent professional?

Competing in the real world with an invisible handicap that people think is a joke or an excuse is a poor way to get ahead.

Fuck it.

I'm only writing this sn poem because I have so much work to do and I'm so behind that I'll never make it.

So I'll turn something in late, again, apologies professor, I couldn't wrestle my mind for one more second to read the endless text on the page or to try to remember the verbal prompt you gave in lecture that I forgot to write down.

I don't want to ask for niceties.

or exceptions.

As one of my clients recently said to me during the mid beat of a panic attack,

I just want to be normal.

I don't want everything to be so hard.

Why is everything always so hard?

And fuck it all, if this shit-version-of-reality me is high achieving can you imagine what my life would be if I didn't have ADD?

coriakin-wandering

Moving this to my new main blog

coriakin-wandering

So, I wrote this on my old main, and made a new account because it got flagged. For whatever reason 🤷‍♀️ I spent days looking for this in my photos, Tumblr, and my bf finally found it within

Five minutes.

phoenix-princesss

Just confirming, @coriakin-wandering is in fact my new main account 💕😌