Ramblings of a Fiery Bird

This is a blog about nothing in particular. Expect to see lots of feathery bitching and occasional flashes of inspirational blathering. It's like I'm bipolar, but I'm not.

[phoenixablaze]

Markiplier is the only person absolutely mad lad enough to take a week long vacation and disguise it as lore.

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So basically it’s Mark’s sleep schedule.  ... Midnight chaos.

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So the brilliant minds (and mods) behind @markiplier‘s community Discord decided to get together to meme how rarely he visits the Member-only channel.  This is my contribution.

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Imagine Green Giant’s social media department expecting a normal day at work and finding themselves in the middle of a battlefield

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Another entry from my #MarchusAnnus challenge.  A death’s head moth, stylized.

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This is not good art.  But it’s art.  It’s art that @markiplier and @crankgameplays encouraged me to make with their Marchus Annus challenge.  Although their channel may be done, I will continue to grow with my art.  Someday, like them, I will make something amazing

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One idiot tries to sled without snow while another idiot threatens to shoot him in the back. @markiplier @crankgameplays @unusannus

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I don’t envy the work @markiplier and @crankgameplays are going to have to do after Unus Annus ends.

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@markiplier @crankgameplays

If you only knew the power of the Annus side...

[phoenixablaze]

Of Mice and Men

Today I sat in comfort in my car and watched a cat stalking something in the park.  I was intrigued, so I left my car and went to watch it.  The whole time, I considered several questions: what did it see?  Would it catch its prey?  Did I want it to kill something it probably didn’t need?  For almost a minute, I stood as a spectator in a confrontation I could have ended before it began.  I could have stopped the cat and saved the mouse’s life.  Curious to know what would happen, I did nothing.

The cat pounced, and I saw it grab a small mouse in its jaws.  The mouse was still alive, and I felt a pang of regret.  I could have saved that mouse.  Perhaps I still could.  As I watched the cat play with the mouse, I could have stopped it and saved the mouse’s life.  Curious to know if the mouse would escape on its own, I did nothing.

When the cat was done playing, it bit down on the mouse’s neck.  Now I stepped in and scared the cat off.  But it was too late.  The mouse was still alive, but it was suffering from a broken neck and was going to die anyway.  Now I had intervened, but I couldn’t save the mouse.  My delayed action had prevented it from being eaten.  Would the cat have eaten it or just left it?  I would never know, because my actions had scared the cat away.  Perhaps all I did was make the mouse suffer more before its death.

In life, we have many opportunities to intervene before tragedy strikes.  We see the bruises on the abused child’s body.  We see the fear in the eyes of the victims.  Yet we do nothing.  We fear what our action will set in motion.  Some dark part within us is curious to see what will happen, and so we do nothing.  And in doing nothing, innocent lives are hurt.

Curiosity does not kill the cat.  Curiosity kills the mouse.

[phoenixablaze]

Of Kisses and Broccoli

Let me go on record as saying that I don't really like kissing.  I love hugs, but kisses are kind of bleh to me.  Now, there's this guy online who seems to have arbitrarily decided to have a major crush on me, and he seems to think the feeling is mutual no matter how many times I tell him I'm not interested and I like him only as a friend.  Seriously, I've friendzoned this guy so many times, but he just won't get the message. 

One thing he wants to do is kiss me.  I keep telling him no, I don't like kisses.  I don't like them from anyone, let alone this guy I hardly even know.  The following conversation happened (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent):

9:06 PM - Him: maybe we can FINALLY HAVE OUR FIRST FUCKING KISS EH? 9:06 PM - Me: no 9:06 PM - Me: I said I don't like kisses 9:07 PM - Him: when will there be just 1 day wher you just let me kiss you 9:08 PM - Me: Okay, let me replace the word "kisses" in my statement with something like "broccoli" 9:09 PM - Me: If I said I didn't like broccoli, would you be saying that someday you hope I'll let you feed me broccoli? 9:09 PM - Me: It's not something where one day I'm going to wake up and be like "you know, I like broccoli today" 9:10 PM - Him: i'll get you drunk then 9:10 PM - Me: what the fuck no 9:11 PM - Him: damnit 9:11 PM - Him: can we still cuddle tho 9:11 PM - Me: no 9:12 PM - Him: can we sleep together :D 9:13 PM - Me: not on a good day 9:13 PM - Him: damnit 9:13 PM - Him: why D: 9:14 PM - Me: I am not attracted to you in any way.  I don't even know you that well, and you're acting as though we're practically engaged. 9:15 PM - Me: It makes me really uncomfortable.  I've been saying this forever.  How are you not getting this?

Somehow I think that even after this he doesn't get it.

[phoenixablaze]

Adventures in Tech Support

A couple of days ago, I called Comcast to deal with the issues we've been having for months.  Now, if any of you have ever called tech support before, you know pretty much what to expect.  First I had to deal with their computer, pushing numbers to be redirected to speak with a human being.  I finally got to speak to a live person, and surprise of all surprises - she has a heavy Indian accent.  We power cycle the modem and router a few times while I'm telling her that we've replaced the modem, the coax cable, the power strip, and determined that the router is not the problem.  Naturally, she doesn't listen.  Eventually she lets me know that she can't help me and so she has to redirect me to their "Tier 2" tech support.  So I get redirected... to a busy signal. Now I have to go through the computer's questionnaire obstacle course a second time.  I speak to another "representative", explain to them that I was supposed to be redirected to "Tier 2" tech support.  She gives me the phone number so I don't have to worry about a busy signal.  So I call that number.  Busy signal.  Call again, busy signal.  Finally I get through to yet another person with a heavy Indian accent.  Now, I'm not the account holder, but he instructed me to make the call.  But because I didn't have his account number, this lady says that there's not much she can do to help.  She asks me the same questions that their apparently lower-level tech support asked, goes through the same speech, but this time says that because I'm "not authorized by the account holder", I will be charged for the call.  That's when I lose my temper.  I tell her that she is NOT charging me for the call because I AM "authorized by the account holder".  He told me to call tech support, and that's as good as authorized.  Finally I get her to agree not to charge me for the call, but she says that she unfortunately can't help me.  She gives me another number to call. I call that third number, and I get a similar computer to the first one.  Except this one sends me on a line of questioning that literally goes around in circles.  After I go through the same questions three times, I hang up and dial the original number. This time I reach a lady whose name I wish I could remember, because she was wonderful.  I explained to her that I've been given the runaround for over an hour and I just want a technician to come to the house and fix the problem.  So she starts giving me a bunch of questions - completely different one than any other had asked.  She explains to me that in order to get a technician sent to my house, she has to follow a line of questioning.  So we eventually just start following any line we can until we get to the point where we can set up an appointment for a technician.  We schedule it for the next day between 12-2 PM.  I thank her for her help. The next day comes.  The technician finally arrives at about 2:30 (the visit is discounted 20% because he's late).  He looks at the modem, which thankfully is going through its perpetual rebooting cycle that has been the problem of late.  He immediately says that it's a bad cable, and replaces the coax cable that we replaced a couple weeks ago.  He then goes to the circuitbreaker and removes a splitter that we didn't realize was there, says that the problem has been fixed, and leaves. Less than half an hour after he leaves, the problem returns.  So I call tech support again, tell them that the technician left less than an hour ago and didn't fix the problem.  He redirects me to another line, but this time actually puts me on hold to make sure that it's not busy and/or the wait time isn't super long.  It's not long before I get successfully redirected to another guy.  I explain the situation, and he says that he'll send the technician back and I should get a call from their dispatcher or something in about 30 minutes. About 30 minutes later, I get a call from a SURVEY.  The technician never did show up again.  So tomorrow I have to call tech support YET AGAIN and get an appointment scheduled for a home visit YET AGAIN.  And maybe this time the tech will do more than glance at it for less than a minute.

[phoenixablaze]

Everyone has something they like about themselves.  Stop and take a break to think of at least two things you like about yourself - one physical, one mental.  This may be harder for some people.  If you can't think of something, get in touch with a friend or family member and ask them what they like most about you.  You may think this is egotistical, but it's not.  It's self-affirmation, and it's very healthy for you.

One thing I like about myself is my ability to rebound and persevere.  I'm a firm believer in perseverance, especially when others try to drag you down.  I'm a fighter.

Every other Saturday, my family and I go out bowling with my seven-year-old niece.  Now, I'm not the best at bowling - but I can hold my own.  My average is about 80-90, which is pretty bad from a league standard, but I still like it.  But the past few times, I have done uncharacteristically bad.  Even my niece was outscoring me (although she uses the bumpers so she can't get gutterballs).  It was very frustrating, and at the time I didn't want to play anymore.  I was mad at myself for how badly I was doing.

Last Friday night, as I did my daily Bible reading, I prayed that I would do well this time.  It was a simple prayer, and it took less than a minute.  Just a "please, Lord, help me do well tomorrow".  Simple as that.

I didn't even think about my prayer when we went to the bowling alley.  I grabbed one of the balls off the rack, and played like normal.  In my first game, I bowled 168 - a new personal best.  Every frame was either a strike or a spare except two in which I left only a single pin up.  I was picking up spares that seemed impossible, or at the very least ones that I never would have gotten normally.  I looked like a professional - in fact, the man in the lane next to ours asked if I was in a league, because I was very good.  I told him that I had done horrendously last time, and this was just the result of divine intervention.

The second game was the same deal, but I was starting to get tired (it was hot) and my game started to flag by the second half.  I still broke 100, which is always a good game by my standards.  The third game, we allowed the seven-year-old to win (with a 91, so it's definitely a solid victory!).

But the story doesn't end there.  You see, my brother (my niece's dad) was bowling with us as usual.  He's about the same skill level as me, but he's been doing consistently better than I have lately.  His form is sloppy, but he gets results.  If I recall, he won 2/3 games last time.  But yesterday, our positions were reversed.  I was doing outstandingly... and he was doing horribly.

My brother is extremely competitive, especially when it comes to his sister.  He can't stand it when I'm doing better than him - especially when the margin isn't even close.  So naturally he was getting very frustrated.  And unfortunately, my brother is NOT a fighter.  When he does badly, he gets frustrated and does even worse.  He gives up.  By the end of the game, he was purposely rolling it into the gutter with the excuse "it was going to go there anyway".  He was angry with himself at doing badly, and angry at me for doing well.  He repeatedly yelled about how it didn't matter, because I was going to win no matter what.  He insisted that he didn't want to play anymore.  He was pretty much feeling how I was last time, but instead of playing through it, he let it drag him down.

The moral of this story is that you should never let bad performances get you down.  It's the most cliched moral there is, but it's a good one.  It's not unusual to get upset when things aren't going your way - and it's okay to be upset.  But don't let it stop you from fighting back.  It may result in your new personal best.

[phoenixablaze]

A little lost Hope

I had to ride the bus someplace today, and for some reason unfathomable to me, I decided to walk to the next stop down the road.  I was also uncharacteristically early - I generally don't like waiting for the bus, but this time I was at the stop over 15 minutes before the bus was due.

I wasn't waiting long before this yellow lab came trotting by from someone's yard, sniffing at every interesting patch of ground.  She didn't LOOK lost - her fur was well-groomed and shiny, and she was lean, but it was a healthy lean.  I stroked her fur a little, and she accepted it and then ran off down the road a little.  I heard this guy mowing his lawn nearby, and it figured it was his dog.

When the man mowing his lawn came by, I called out to him to ask if he had a yellow lab.  He said he does indeed have a yellow lab, and I informed him that she had just taken off down the road.  He looked confused, shut off his lawn mower, and opened the door to his house.  A chubby yellow lab came trotting out of his house.  At the sight of this other dog, the stray happily scampered over and they started sniffing each others' butts.  This was not the behavior of dogs who know each other - so obviously the first dog was not his.

I manage to coax her over to me and grabbed her collar.  There were two phone numbers engraved on it as well as a name - "Hope".  With one hand holding her by the collar, I pulled out my phone and dialed the first number on there.  A man answered the phone, and I asked him if he had a dog named Hope.  He said he's never had a dog, and people have called him before about this dog.  While this phone call was going on, the man with the other dog decided to take Hope in for some water (it was hot out).  When they came back out, I called out that I needed to look at the second number on Hope's collar.  The man tried to grab Hope, but she took off and ran into the road, where she decided to lie down.  Now, mind you this was in the middle of a busy road.  Fortunately the closest car had plenty of time to stop, and he did indeed stop.  I went out into the road to grab her, and she got up, crossed the street, and started jogging down another road.

At this point, the bus is due at any moment, and Hope is now investigating a much less busy road.  I could just walk away because she's out of immediate danger.  But I knew that I'd regret it for the rest of my life if something happened to her, or if I saw a Lost Dog poster with her picture on it.  So I decided I can always catch the next bus, and I go jogging after her.

I followed her for several minutes before she decided to walk back to me and befriend me again.  I snagged her by the collar and called the other number on it.  This time a woman picked up.  It was indeed her dog, she had no idea that Hope had gotten loose, and lived a block away.  I held Hope, stroked her fur, and talked gently to her while her owner came to get her.

In the end, Hope got home safely and I was still able to catch the bus.  I like to think that it was divine intervention that drove me to walk down to the next bus stop, where I found Hope.  I shudder to think what might have happened to her were I not there.

I know there are a lot of people who pay to have their lost dogs returned to them, but I'm satisfied with the reward I got - a heartfelt thanks, reuniting a family with their dog, and the satisfaction of having done the right thing.

[phoenixablaze]

This is, and will probably remain, one of my favorite music videos.  Not sure if it's actually considered a music video, but it's still a wonderful series of five Flash videos compiled here for your enjoyment.  At almost half an hour long, it's a bit of a lengthy watch, but well worth the time.  You can also find them individually in their original Flash format on Newgrounds.  It is touching, inspirational, and overall wonderful.  I hope you enjoy.

[phoenixablaze]

Your Confidence and Mine

As I mentioned in my previous post, I play competitive Team Fortress 2.  I have a lot of fun with it overall.  But I have come across many people who always seem to mention how bad they are at the game, how they're never going to get any better, and they might as well quit playing.  We go through the obligatory song and dance of how they're not bad, they're just learning.  They will inevitably tell me how they're never going to get better, they've obviously stopped growing, etc etc.  To which I will inevitably reply that I believe in them and support them and I know they're getting better and will continue to get better as long as they keep trying.

I don't know why I'm different than these people.  I am going through a lot in real life, and I also have a lot of haters and naysayers online.  And yet despite this, I continue to play, even in a rather toxic environment.  There is a lot going on in my life that should depress me, and yet it doesn't.  Is it simply that I am a stronger person?  I don't feel that way.  Often I feel stretched to the breaking point, but somehow I remain unbroken.  There is always at least a tiny light within me that shines with hope for the future.  A sincere belief that things will get better, both online and offline.  And so, no matter how deeply upset I feel, it never goes quite into despair.

There are times, in the dark of night when I'm lying in bed, when despair hurls itself at the door of my heart and tries to break in.  It is then, with tears in my eyes, that I turn to my true strength.  I pray.  Yes, it may sound trite and cheesy, but my faith in Jesus Christ does indeed give me strength.  I will sit on my bed and cry, telling all my troubles to what some would say is nothing more than an imaginary friend.  One of my favorite lines in the Bible is the second half of Psalm 30:5 - "Crying may last for a night, but joy comes with the new day." (New Living Translation).  My faith allows me to cry myself to sleep and wake up the next day rested and ready to take on all comers.

One of my dear friends to whom I confide in once told me that he respected me because I try my best no matter what circumstances are set against me.  I won't call it self-confidence, because I often feel very much like those friends who believe they'll never improve.  In fact, I don't know what to call it.  It's a type of confidence that comes from having someone who sincerely and wholeheartedly believes in you and knows your strength better than you - and that's what I try to impart to them when I tell those friends that I believe in them.  I can't give them the confidence that Jesus gives me.  Maybe one day He will give me the strength to bring them to Him.  Until then, all I can do is be there for them as much as I can.  Even though I feel close to falling apart myself, Jesus helps me remain strong enough to hold together the ones close to me.

THAT is why I am a religious person.  It's not a product of my parents' forcing or fear of Hellfire and damnation.  I am a devout Christian because I can feel the warmth and love of Jesus and it keeps me strong.  I am strong because He is strong, and the strength He gives me, I can in turn give to others.  All I can do is remain faithful.

[phoenixablaze]

I do a lot of gaming, and my favorite game is Team Fortress 2.  It really burns my beak about the way girl gamers are treated, even to this day.

I play competitive TF2, and I have had more than my fair share of troubles simply because of my gender.  There was this one team that I was recruited onto that had a shift in power.  But because of the way the league was run, the "new" leader wasn't technically *the* leader and therefore could not remove people from the team.  He told me to my face that he didn't care about how the "old" leader had recruited me - I was not good enough to play with them, and I never would be because I am a girl.  As far as he was concerned, I was no longer a part of the team.  They changed Mumble servers (for those not in the know, Mumble is a voice chat program like Ventrilo) and cut off all communication with me.  It was too late in the season to find a new team, so I was basically done for that season.  That was over a year ago, and I am bitter about it to this day.  Looking back, there are some things about my decisions with that team that have made me a stronger person, but overall it was an experience I feel no one should have to go through.

And it was just one of the first of many experiences I have had with online sexual harassment.  It even comes from friends, who feel they can flirt with me and make inappropriate "actions" in messages because it's not real life.  It doesn't matter what the venue, it's never okay.  ONLINE SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS STILL SEXUAL HARASSMENT.  So don't do it.

Most girl gamers, myself included, don't want our gender to make any difference in how you treat us.  I mean, we all love receiving random gifts from people, but do it because you're my friend, not because I'm a girl.  Don't act any differently around us.  Stop asking us if we "want the D", stop acting surprised to see a girl playing video games, and just play the game.  We're all here to have fun.