physically, i am okay..

an outlet for a brain that lives inside my head

[physicallyok]

I’ve lost a piece of me.

Everything just hits too close to home.

Every evening I cry because she’s not there.

It’s only been two months.

[physicallyok]

I’m so torn

Nobody is ready for a time like this.

Am I being selfish?

Nobody is ready for a time like this.

[physicallyok]

Performance reviews herald a wave of depression- every year no matter what.

I’d like to believe one of these days the cycle will end and I won’t struggle to be okay anymore.

What I desire most is to be good at what I do, and I would settle for being okay at my job.

Just okay, average, fine.

Is that too much to ask?

[physicallyok]

The girl in the purple hoodie - she’s the one I draw when I’m overwhelmed.

When she appears in my art I know my mental state is… not necessarily bad, but different.

Usually thinking deep and feeling deep mean bad things for me but not always.

My worst fears haunt me, filling me with dread.

What do I do but draw the girl in the purple hoodie instead?

[physicallyok]

I’ve heard of the preference

To use instead of “stupid”

Use “careless mistake”

The substitution triggers me more

Because I care deeply.

There is very little I do uncaringly.

A better option?

Maybe “thoughtless”

Because a lack of thought doesn’t always mean a lack of care.

[physicallyok]

My brain screwed up and now I want to bash my head in.

I want to punish myself and let the pain win.

I can’t regulate my brain that way, I’m well aware…

But the guilt is getting difficult to bear.

[physicallyok]

How do I make new associations in my brain?

Why does some stuff stick and not others?

How does it all fall apart when I try to keep it in?

I feel a deep seated urge to punish myself for forgetting what I needed to learn.

How do I instill in my brain the motivation not to make the same mistakes?

[physicallyok]

I thought I was doing well

Truly, I believed this.

Mistakes are hiding

Notice is taken in their wake

Why won’t my brain make the connections and proper associations?

I’m not sure.

I’m never sure and I feel like shit for making rookie mistakes almost two years in.

I can’t explain it.

[physicallyok]

I’m sorry for my anxiety

Sometimes it just creeps up behind me

Then I think it’s gone

I think it’s better now

But I’m aware deep down

I’m not better now

Not completely

That’s part of the beauty of the world.

Nothing’s ever perfect

[physicallyok]

Tonight is a time we’re expected to make a big deal about our adult fun time.

I’ve done so all weekend. Now I am falling asleep on the night of Valentine’s and I can’t participate in the festivities.

That is 100% fine.

[physicallyok]

The secrets aren’t something

Not something I share

I must always be cryptic lest it be seen by those that care.

I don’t think anyone reads this but sometimes I wish they would.

I’m settling for that they possibly could.

[physicallyok]

Nausea at the cafe

The food there was good

Is this a coincidence

Am I thinking more than I should?

[physicallyok]

I’m very worried

I think I should be

No posts on insta

Not since last year.

Can’t do anything

Nothing but worry.

I have work

Don’t live close enough

But I care so very much.

[physicallyok]

I often wonder how others fall into sleep’s sensual embrace

There is so much of life that is dark and that we must spend without sight naturally in our gaze

I could not spend more of it asleep when there was always so little to begin with.

[physicallyok]

The problems in the book I was reading reminded me too much of climate change- the helplessness, the worry.

It all became too much on top of my feelings about reality. So the book is on my kindle- unfinished until I work up the energy to keep reading.

[physicallyok]

When you take on a responsibility, you commit to making it work one way or another.

If you can’t do it, you fucking make sure it gets done by someone else.

[physicallyok]

Unfinished

I don't feel like I'm done yet. I feel like there's still something left.

I can't be done solving problems. Can't be done with the challenge.

There is something satisfying about being able to do a limited number of things well, it's true...

But the way I feel when I look at physics problems seems right.

It feels like the pieces are falling into place.

Even though it is difficult, it feels like I am where I belong.

How do I reconcile this feeling with all the others?