This is sort of a headcanon one but also a bit like the title one too I guess?
I’m curious how Matt and reader (from whichever of your stories you think fits best) would react getting back to find a raccoon has gotten into some alcohol and they now have a random drunk raccoon in their apartment?
Honestly I have no explanation for why I’m asking this, I just thought it would be hilarious to find out how they would react. I also have no idea if alcohol harms raccoons but for the purpose of fun, let’s assume the raccoon is completely unharmed, just intoxicated
(Yeah idk 😂. Have fun figuring this one out)
I am so sorry for the delayed response to this one (and the others I still have from my follower celebration, which I promise I will get to them all at some point, I have not forgotten)!
I've also been internally dying every time I read this one because it screams FFTD Matt and Reader. Like, I have no idea how a raccoon makes it up to the sixth floor of an apartment in Hell's Kitchen, but I don't care because I love this so let's go with it!
Headcannon is below the cut as usual!
Matt and Reader are coming home from a night at Josie's where they'd been drinking with their friends. Both of them definitely have had a couple of drinks and are feeling a little buzzed.
The entire way up the elevator to their floor, Matt is being a little handsy and whispering his usual flirty comments into Reader's ear. Her body's reaction to him as per usual is further riling Matt up.
But when they finally step into the apartment, Matt sobers up a little bit because he notices something is off. Something doesn't smell right and he hears noises that don't appear to be coming from where Mittens is sitting in his cat tree.
Reader immediately catches onto the way his demeanor has changed and asks him what's going on, but he only holds up a hand to quiet her and whispers, "Stay here."
Matt gradually makes his way down the entry hall, his head shifting back and forth as he tries to focus his inebriated senses on whatever is happening.
Eventually he stops by the leather couch, a look of sheer confusion on his face that Reader can see from the bright light of the billboard across the street.
When she asks what's going on, Matt slowly replies, "I...think there's a raccoon in the kitchen. And it-" he stops to audibly sniff, "-smells like it's gotten into the beer."
Completely shocked, Reader cautiously hurries down the hall over to Matt in the living room, flipping on the lights as she goes. She spots Mittens in the top of his cat tree by the window first, noticing how he's sitting pin straight with his ears back and focused on something in the kitchen.
When she slowly turns to follow both Matt and Mittens' gaze, she spots a chubby raccoon sitting on the kitchen counter and partially leaning against the opened jar of trail mix she just made yesterday for Matt, looking as if he's struggling to hold himself upright. On the floor in front of the fridge, there are two empty bottles of beer.
"Oh no," Reader mutters, which immediately has Matt asking what's going on. "He definitely drank some of your beer, Matt. And he's--he's eating your trail mix..."
Matt's expression immediately changes to something dark and serious. "I'm sorry, he's eating my what?"
Before Reader can respond, Matt's hands are on her shoulders and he's ushering her back away from the kitchen. "Take Mittens," Matt orders her, "and get in the bedroom. Let me deal with this."
"What're you going to do?" Reader asks, scrambling to grab a confused Mittens out of the cat tree.
"I'm getting that thing out of here and saving my trail mix," he answers, heading over towards the closet with his suit.
"Matt," Reader says, eyes going wide as she backs into the bedroom with Mittens in her arms, "please tell me you're not about to beat up the poor drunk raccoon for eating your trail mix."
Matt stops in front of his steamer trunk and glances back towards Reader and Mittens, a scandalized look on his face. "Of course not, but I'm also not about to approach a drunk raccoon without any sort of protection on. I'm not crazy."
Reader slips into the bedroom with Mittens in her arms, sliding the door shut after herself as she shakes her head, whispering under her breath, "So help any man, woman, or drunk raccoon that gets between the Devil and his trail mix."
"I heard that!" Matt shouts back.
Moral of the story, don't touch Matty's trail mix. He'd even fight a drunk raccoon for it--and honestly, I'd love to see an inebriated Daredevil wrestle a drunk raccoon away from his trail mix and out of the roof access door. Though...I'm not sure how clean that jar of trail mix would be now after tiny little raccoon hands were all up in it...
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