Strawberry

22 | she/her | 🏳️‍🌈

[pigeonattacksquad]

Hello, I'm Strawberry.

I grew up with untreated selective mutism, anxiety disorder that made me not able to speak in almost all situations, feeling like no one else in the world was like me. I spent my childhood feeling lonely, isolated and misunderstood. Even after my diagnosis, I struggled to find something or someone I could truly relate to.

I created this page to share my thoughts, struggles, and stories from my life, about mutism, social anxiety and other things related to it.

If you're feeling the same way I did, I want you to know that you're not alone. Someone understands and your experiences matter.

[isaipoet]

a listener need a listener too—

[pigeonattacksquad]

At 15, there was this art competition I took part in. I won a prize and during the ceremony I had to walk from the tribune to the person who handed us our prizes, shake hands, get my prize, take a photo with other winners in my category, and walk back. All of that, while the biggest number of people ever looked at me. And there also were TV reporters.

This was the moment where I probably felt the most social anxiety I ever had. I don't understand how I managed to do all of that without fainting (it was the time when my social anxiety and selective mutism were the worst). I didn't even notice if the TV cameras were on (they weren't).

I really wished I got first place because my prize was shit and the first place got actual pricey art supplies, but the winner did talk on the TV, so I'm glad I didn't have to do that.

Later, there was some "fun" program and I spent the whole day sitting there pretending I didn't exist, and I met my former teacher who tried to talk to me and I obviously failed at that.

[fauxjean]

"what if u could make yourself invisible" bruh im invisible my whole life

[templeblade]

I hate being alone I am genuinely terrified at the thought of being alone [withdraws from everyone and everything to the point where I become a ghost haunting my own life]

[pigeonattacksquad]

I think it would be nice if I found out that I'm an alien that got lost in space, ended up on Earth and forgot everything. It would explain why I feel like I don't belong here.

[humanhater]

Social anxiety so bad i tell myself off and mute myself whenever I say something stupid. Every 2 minutes whenever I accidentally do this I feel like clawing my skin off (and try to).

[catcheryips]

Minimal or Reduced Communication in SM:

Fun fact I never see people talking about; Selective Mutism involves reduced communication as much as it involves a full inability to speak.

You still have SM if you don't go fully mute around people. You still have SM if it looks like:

slowed responses.

single word responses.

very short sentences.

mumbling.

stuttering.

whispering.

changing the sound of your voice (ex: speaking in a different pitch or tone, or putting on a voice like you're playing a character).

Plain Text: slowed responses, single word responses, very short sentences, mumbling, stuttering, whispering, changing the sound of your voice (example: speaking in a different pitch or tone, or putting on a voice like you're playing a character).

You don't have to be fully mute to meet the criteria for Selective Mutism! This needs to be talked about more!

[pigeonattacksquad]

When I was younger I thought I would be able to get out of this if I changed my environment. I wanted to go to high school very far away so no one knew what person I was and I could start over. And when I went to high school, even thought it wasn't far away no one knew me, I still was the same. I went to college and guess what, I also didn't suddenly change to a different person and I wasn't able to change anything about myself from the first time I thought this. I'll go to university and I won't be able to change myself. I'll start working and I'll be the same. And perhaps not even moving to other side of the planet will be enought to help me make a different person out of me. How do I escape this?

[pigeonattacksquad]

I keep saying to myself that I should find friends because this loneliness is driving me crazy but then I see other people having fun with friends and it reminds me why I won't ever find them and how out of place trying to belong makes me feel. It's pointless to try to find them when I know I won't belong anywhere. But it doesn't stop me from craving having friends.

[shushututu]

People seriously underestimate the long term effects of constant loneliness

"why are you so weird?" Idk, maybe because being completely isolated while growing up has destroyed my brain and now I'm nothing more than a human-mimicking creature that bases all of my actions on what I think is normal human behavior rather than just doing things naturally

[stuckinapril]

I love being alone <- girl who has known nothing but loneliness her entire life and so has no choice but to take comfort in it

[pigeonattacksquad]

When I was around eleven, I was sitting at a table with my two best friends during art class and we had a conversation about best friends. They said I'm not their's best friend because they are each other's best friend and that you can't have two best friends. Since then what I always wanted the most was to have a best friend for who I was also a best friend. I don't think I found a friend like that yet. I just want to be someone's best friend.

[humanhater]

How do I get my friends to talk to me without actually talking to them first or then having to talk to them

[mothhauntedbyblame]

[humanhater]

I YEARN FOR SELECTIVE MUTISM REPRESENTATION, every "q-quiet kid X popular kid" romance story is ruined for me every time the quiet kid is able to easily start talking

[pigeonattacksquad]

I'm useless person thanks to selective mutism and everything it caused