Understanding How Your Child Feels Loved
Joyful children learn better and develop well.
When children feel loved, they do their best! In the book The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively, co-author Dr. Gary Chapman says that love is the foundation. If we can fill our children’s emotional love tanks, we can ensure they will thrive, be happy, and balanced. Joyful children learn better and develop well.
We can fill our children’s love tanks more effectively when we learn each of their unique love languages. It is not enough to love your kids, you also need to know how to communicate that love in a way they understand. Just like adults, children express and receive love in the same five ways. Read on to discover your child’s (and maybe even your own) love language and how to work with it.
“Chase me!” “Let’s cuddle.”
A hug means “I love you” to most kids, but for ones who thrive on physical touch, this shouts L-O-V-E.
Always in your space, squeezing in behind you on your chair
Running to climb your leg when you enter the door
Dozes off by playing with your hair or rubbing your elbow
Asking your child to sit on your lap for storytime
Offer hand massages and eskimo kisses
Wrestling and playing contact sports
Reach over and squeeze your child’s hand for moments when she needs extra reassurance
Spanking is hurtful for all children but Dr. Chapman warns, “it is devastating to one whose primary love language is touch.” In an article Gail Cornwall for Parents, she shared that studies show that dads tend to pull away physically when their daughters start to develop. Instead, make a habit of good-morning and good-night hugs, even as kids get older.
Children who feel loved when they receive things aren’t being materialistic.
Cares about how a gift is wrapped
Remembers who gave him what
Has trouble throwing out things she has been given, even if she hasn’t played with it in months.
Enjoys collecting things - from stones to a series of toys
Listening to what your child is wanting… a gift can be a simple as a pencil in his favorite color to a flower you picked on your walk.
Gifts are a symbol of your love, you can have a drawer of give-away toys that don’t cost much.
Try leaving an origami creation or a little shell for your child to discover when she goes in to brush her teeth
Stickers and star charts are concrete ways of making your child feel valued.
Create a shelf for “special things” that your child comes home with.
Make a big deal of gifts received and displaying his artwork
Dr. Chapman says, “we have to be careful about overdoing gifts,” children need presents that are age-appropriate and helpful to them - not just things they want. Showering kids with gifts isn’t a way to cop out of parenting; it should be balanced with other love languages as well - especially if you are separated or busy with work.
Loving words matter most to children who listen intently and speak sweetly.
She offers you sweet feedback and whispers “Mommy, I love you so much.”
Beams whenever you praise him
Sneaking little notes in his lunch box
Speak to your preschooler at her eye level, stare into her eyes and say “You are so important to me. I thank God for you.”
Make your child hear you bragging about her or something she did well - research says we believe more of what we overhear than something said directly to us.
Insults are particularly cutting to these children. When you say you love them or praise them for being a good girl or a good boy - it shouldn’t come with any conditions. “I love you, when…” is damaging for children who thrive on words of affirmation.
Children who speak the language of acts of service appreciate thoughtful gestures and feel loved when you do something for them.
He always asks you to do one part of a chore that can be done alone - does he ask you to fluff the pillow while he’s fixing the bed?
Is she always asking you to tie her shoes for her?
Are you feeling like a servant?
Fancying up your child’s snack, think bento boxes and food art.
Take time to help with homework - sitting with your child to learn a new skill and going through the lessons
Do chores together - be your child’s co-pilot even if she can do it on her own.
Brush your daughter’s hair
Make your son a drink and bring it to him
It may seem tiresome but Dr. Chapman says you definitely don’t have to jump at every request. Watch out for expectations and encourage self-reliance and allow your child to do things she can do for herself. Acts of service can be shown by teaching your child a new skill, patiently going through each step so he can be more capable.
These kids feel most valued when you spend time with them.
Does she often ask you to watch something or look at her work?
Does your child have a big smile when you are doing something together?
He tries to get your undivided attention
She wants you to watch her while she is playing
Having date nights or breakfast one-on-one
Make eye contact - take your eyes off your device and turn your body to face your child.
Run errands together with this child, one-on-one
Read or play video games together
Time out or isolation is a severe punishment for your child who enjoys quality time. Sometimes just your presence and sitting side-by-side with your child is enough. There is no need to go out of your way to fulfill your child’s love language.
Our love languages are believed to be the same for life but your child’s preference may change from stage to stage. Dr. Chapman believes that children need to receive love in all the languages, even if they may have a preference.
While it helps build your relationship with your child to know his unique way of giving and receiving love, Dr. Chapman believes it is important to display all the love languages to your child. Take time to pay attention and observe your child, the way he gives love is the way he wants to receive your love.