Almost two years ago, I was in Berlin.Â
I never really gave Berlin much of a chance. It never seemed to fulfill my standards of âenough-ness.â It wasnât German enough (like my visions of Bavarian half-timbered houses wanted it to be), it wasnât foreign enough (everyone spoke English; English translations for things were everywhere), it wasnât glamorous enough (like the beautiful architecture of Paris).
It was also my first destination during my study abroad journey, so along with being in a new city, I had to work through culture shock, shyness, and safely navigating (usually on my own). By the time I was comfortable enough with my new study abroad âlifestyle,â I only had four days left in Berlin and was also getting over a cold.
In some ways, Iâm glad Berlin was my first city abroad, because I was more excited to visit London and Paris, and Berlin allowed me to overcome some study abroad acclimation challenges.
To be honest, I spent an inordinate amount of time scouring the city for cheap plus-size clothing because the students I was at school with seemed better dressed than I was. I struggled immensely with self-confidence, self-image, and anxiety issues during my first few weeks in Berlin. I had horrible, horrible acne. I had to wear âuglyâ shoes because my weight made wearing cute ones really uncomfortable walking around in the city. All my roommates were good at doing their hair and makeup and flirted with our classmates and Berliners. I felt like a troll person.Â
I had long internal dialogues with myself about how I was going to move forward. I hated how I was feeling, and I was still so excited to be there, in Europe, where I had always dreamed of being. I also remembered to give myself a break. As someone with a history of mental health struggles, it was important to remind myself that I was taking big leaps and not to be upset if others around me seemed to be making their big leaps without effort.
Now, having been back in the States for two years, and with my Bachelorâs degree complete, all I can think about is going back to Europe. Knowing what I know now, with two more yearsâ experience under my belt, I want Berlin to give me a second chance--
--A second chance for me to actively break out of my comfort zones and actually interact with locals. A second chance to experience a new place without panicking about how I am perceived by the people around me. A chance to delve deeper into both current and historic affairs. A chance to observe less and experience more.
For those of you who might be studying abroad right now and struggling with similar issues, I invite you to cut yourself some slack. You are going through multiple physical, emotional, and social changes all at once. Your body is eating different foods (with less American preservatives). You are presumably exercising twice or three times as much as you did before since you are walking around and exploring new destinations. You have to quickly form an entirely new set of friends so you wonât be alone during your time abroad. You have to quickly pick up basic foreign language vocabulary to get around. You also have to do all of these things while (hopefully) working on your study abroad.
Make sure to listen to yourself. If you need a break, or some time alone, or some time talking to friends and family back home, donât see it as weakness. Take care of yourself, and your time abroad will reward you in kind.
