Here's To The Words I'll Never Be Able To Tell You

[bookclubaddict]

And right then it doesn’t matter if this is a hello or a goodbye, if they’re making a memory or a promise, because they’re here together, and that’s enough for now.

— Jennifer E. Smith: Field notes on love

[plovercrest]

Selama ini aku sadar bahwa, tidak akan ada satu orangpun yang akan benar-benar menyayangimu. Sekali orang itu tau keburukanmu yang sangat parah, mereka akan berhenti menyayangi atau bahkan mencitaimu. Manusia akan selalu mencari kesempurnaan, tanpa melihat kekurangan pada dirinya terlebih dahulu.

Selama hidupku, aku belum pernah di cintai seseorang begitu tulus, belum pernah ada yang benar-benar setia membantu membangkitkan diriku dari gelapnya kehidupan yang kelam. Aku rasa tidak akan pernah ada orang itu untukku. Aku tidak marah jika memang Tuhan tidak memberikan sesorang itu kepadaku, aku tidak menyesal telah membantu mereka. Hanya saja aku selalu berdoa kepada Tuhan, aku tidak ingin di pertemukan lagi dengan orang-orang yang hanya ingin bersinggah sejenak dalam hidupku, apalagi hanya datang sejenak untuk memberi luka yang lebih dalam lagi. Aku lelah mempertanyakan kelayakan ku untuk alam semesta, selama 23 tahun aku hidup, yang selalu aku rasakan adalah tidak ada yang pernah bisa menerima keadaanku yang sekarang dan tidak ada yang pernah mau membantuku untuk bangkit menjadi lebih baik lagi.

[plovercrest]

Lucky

Your hand touch my skin so gently

I love the way you touch my hair

And smell it

I love the way you play with my hair

I love the way you kiss my lips

I love everything that you did to me.

I can feel your sincerity

I can feel your love

And that is the reason I feel lucky to have you

Well, I don’t feel lucky, but I am lucky to have you

[plovercrest]

Pergi

Aku meninggalkan kita

Bukan karena aku tidak mau berjuang

Tapi karena aku sadar

Kita sudah tidak layak untuk di perjuangkan

[plovercrest]

What if...

What if we actually really want to talk with each other? What if we actually feel really hurt right now? What if we do this because we just don't want everything to get worse? You don't want to make me upset and so do i. What if... we actually really think about each other? Like, right now?

[plovercrest]

Before I go

If i die early, or before we can make it out. I hope you can read all those notes that i always write about you.

[plovercrest]

Effort

If i'm going to make it with him. I guess the words "its about time" is wrong.

Its about effort, you cannot expecting time to make it happen, but you can expect effort to make it happen.

[plovercrest]

2nd chance

I will give you 2nd chance this time. But I really hope you will never do the same mistake as you did 4 years ago. I forgive you for leaving me without any reason. I will let you have my heart this time, but I hope you will let me have your heart too.

[plovercrest]

Little Things

You start to ask me to comb your hair using my finger in class. you start to ask me to massage your head, you start to make a joke to me, you start to make me mad in class, sometimes you tell me about your family, you tell me about our favorite snack. Maybe people think that I’m in love with you, or I’m too exaggerating of all these little things. But I just love the way it is happen. I don’t have the feeling that they told me yet, but I love this way, I love the little things you’ve done to me

[plovercrest]

3:19am

I have been spending my time only in my room today. Three glass of coffee is just my favorite thing, yeah I can just drink coffee in a day without drinking water at all. I found some of my sister’s old drawing, I scan it and I did some editing using photoshop. But, guess what? I feel like this is me again since I start uni. Sitting on my chair for hours, with just coffee and cigarette. I also start to drawing again, pop art. That’s what I draw. it’s not so good but I feel great to be able to draw again after… 6 months I guess? It’s true that I will never get out from my comfort zone.

[plovercrest]

The worst part is you put yourself on the second line.

[plovercrest]

I’m tired of... Love?

I drive as fast as I can with no direction, I try to hold it but I know I can’t, I cry in bitterness wondering why this is happen to me, why I always fall into the same hole, why I choose to do it. I regret everything that already happen but I know I cant turn back time and start it over again. I put my trust in him, but he don’t even know how to keep it, or maybe he don’t know that I put my trust in him. Maybe its my fault, not him, maybe its just me, wishing something too much, maybe I ask too much for this. 

it’s raining, I cry in pain and scream as loud as I can, the rain hides away the tears. There are lots of thoughts in my mind, but all I can do is just cry and scream, sometimes you want something that you don’t even understand yet.

I walk in the rain, It’s so dark, the wind is blowing so hard I cry but the rain hide it. I stop and face the truth, asking myself why I can let myself feel this pain again. I scream as loud as I can, nobody hears me, and that’s fine, maybe I deserve it, maybe I made mistake and this is the karma that I have to face. 

Sometimes you can’t expect someone to love you like you love them, sometimes you can’t expect someone to be there for you like you always be there for them. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself but sometimes I’m tired of being strong, I’m just… tired of this.

[plovercrest]

It never changes

And with this poem I'll let you know that I still have the same feeling when I saw you walking in the hall 6 years ago.

I still have the same nervous every time I want to talk with you.

I still have the same fear.

I still have the same expectation.