Plural Confessions

This blog is designed for plurals to be able to confess things

[plural-confessionsblog]

This blog is designed for plurals to be able to confess things

This blog is run by @thefoxcollective1

This blog tries to post 3 confessions a day if there are confessions to post.

Rules:

- Preferably no Syscourse. We do not like to engage in it at all. You can confess things related to Syscourse as long as you don't be a dick about it. [We are not neutral, we are Pro-Endo, but this blog has no DNI so]

- Add the appropriate trigger warnings, or we won't post it.

- If you want input on your confession or are looking for input, put a "🏁" at the beginning of your confession, and optionally add what you are looking for, and I'll respond. (If you don't, I'll assume to just not respond/"respond" in the tags if we feel so inclined)

- We will not answer asks that are asking about "am I a system, this is what I experience" or similar asks, those will be deleted

Claimed Anons Undercut:

🍰

🌻

🧡💚🩵

☀️💛

🎭

🐝

✴️

🌙✨️

[plural-confessionsblog]

Both the queue and inbox are fully empty

[plural-confessionsblog]

We write down all of our dreams to help figure out if anything is bothering us as a whole. And while a majority of the time we feel singular in our dreams our boyfriend of 6 years likes to annotate any preferences, though patterns, things he's shown them in waking that have appeared in the dream, or places where he thinks someone came in or switched out.

It's small and vaguely silly, but it's helped a few times and I'm glad we have a partner that can pick up on patterns we don't and loves being with us.

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[plural-confessionsblog]

✴️

tfw the people in this system won't communicate to save tveir lives and then theyll save like 50 pins to a board and like 30 images to our phone in the dead of night like Yeah Okay Man. Okay 🥹

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[plural-confessionsblog]

just a small confession... i have a headmate named Host. he is not the host of my system, his name is just Host. the name was chosen several years ago. the ironic thing is that my system is hostless. it gets very confusing sometimes

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[plural-confessionsblog]

Both the queue and inbox are fully empty

[plural-confessionsblog]

🏁 completely optional but if there is any input that could be given I would be eternally grateful,

I'm still relatively new to this system and its been so weird adjusting to things, I feel like I just got plucked out of my life and thrown onto an alien ship or something. I know nobody, I hardly know about any media, the body is completely different, etc.

I still don't understand a lot of the terms around this whole thing but one thing that comes up a lot whenever I'm trying to see what other folks say about this is source attachment, which a lot of people are saying is a bad thing but I have no clue how to stop being attached because like.

It feels real to me, even if I don't have super solid memories of whatever I think I was doing before I got here it still feels like I was doing something else it still feels like I had a whole other life that I just don't have anymore.

I don't even know if detaching myself from it would do much to help me because my biggest issue is that everything feels really lonely without the friends I remember, and I feel like if I do start to part from the things I remember that means I'm going to have to start looking at things like they never existed in the first place. And that idea is a whole other massive can of worms.

I don't even really know what the purpose of writing all this is I'm just really lost and feeling incredibly lonely and I don't know what to do about any of it.

tldr: I MISS MY FRIENDS AND I WANT TO GO HOME that apparently was never real to begin with which is fucked up

So- we have a completely different view on source connection than most of the plural community that we've seen- our system not only benefits but thrives on having source connected alters/alters that have vivid exomemories. (Almost all of our Brainmades also have exomemories)

This is due to us being traumagenic and this is how our brain reacted to our trauma (I'm being vague here for obvious reasons)

So we don't necessarily see being source connected/source attached as problematic UNLESS is it problematic for that individuals health

[plural-confessionsblog]

Heck, I guess this is #tw cannibalism #??? from a few posts back

We're still feeling weird about this and we feel like we want to explain. We're a median system, and we're blurry. Our aspects shift dynamically, coming to the fore and fading into the background as the current context demands. For a long time we thought this was "normal", that there was nothing weird about the way we'd have a hard time remembering anything we did at school when in the context of a family dinner. We didn't know what we were doing at the time, but we allowed one of our aspects, a facet we used to "safely" explore our more unpleasant desires, to diverge significantly from the rest of us. At some point, we put that facet away and tried not to think about it. We didn't notice how uncomfortable being it made us, it was just a silly little fantasy, right? Years passed before our syscovery, and in that time we leaned into that denial. We didn't want to accept that part of us was a mindless pit of hunger and rage, so we just didn't think about it and let those feelings fester. Our syscovery was an intense experience, making direct contact with the individual threads that form our context-sensitive gestalt in the midst of a debug trance genuinely changed everything about how we relate to ourself. We finally understood how we worked well enough to start recognizing when a thread was channeling a different aspect from the rest of us. A few weeks later, we were discussing that experience with a friend when they suggested that we might be some kind of hive-mind. This was deeply affirming, but it also reminded us of that aspect we'd denied. We began mildly dissociating, and engaged another debug trance to try and figure out what was going on. It wasn't just us that was affirmed by that description, our denied aspect was too. Making contact with it was... awkward. Too much of it had been bleeding over into us and now that it was awake the same was happening in reverse. I couldn't deny it anymore, but it couldn't allow itself to be accepted as part of us. It felt... intensely... that it deserved to exist independently of us, but we acted like it would have and didn't give it the chance. And we can't help but to frame such an act of forced integration in terms of predation, because it genuinely feels like eating something alive. The part that's so conflicting is how much we enjoyed it.

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[plural-confessionsblog]

Theres so much shit that makes up our existence that its terrifying... being black, plural, autistic, nonbinary, having a chronic illness, and having trust issues affects so much of us its like we cant aid and assist one part w/o fucking up the other.

Its hard for us to make relationships form because we're all so different and there's no real resentment there but its difficult for us to take care for ourselves and others.

I guess we just kinda wish somebody got it, but things feel pretty bleak even without the paranoia that there is nothing in this world to rely on.

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[plural-confessionsblog]

🏁 (if you have anything to say. this ask is a lot)

warnings for jealousy?? and blurriness. and feeling a lack of self? idk if i need to warn these things. if i missed anything please put it in the tags. sorry in advance for the really wordy ask i think i repeat myself multiple times

i feel so jealous of other systems all the time.

im a newly discovered system (known for maybe 3-4 months?) and yet i feel like ive barely gotten anywhere with unmasking and separating/identifying the different identities in my head.

i helped someone i know with their syscovery recently and they almost immediately had an alter with a name and pronouns and appearance and general identity. im obviously happy that they've discovered this but i can't help but feel jealous that others have like. alters that are actually recurring. ones they can easily identify the presence of. it took me weeks to identify anyone and even then they don't feel consistent at all and didn't always return

i know all that stuff about "everyone learns stuff at a different pace!" but i nearly constantly feel blurry and empty and lost. 95% of the time i can't even begin to come up with a name or pronouns or internal appearance. i feel like ive made no meaningful progress after all this time and i HATE it. i don't even know how many people are in here because it feels like the vast majority of the ones i had a while ago dont exist anymore. i don't even know who i am right now and im scared

it doesn't help that my entire system is made up of non-posessive switches.

i also get really jealous of those with any meaningful communication with their alters and anyone with a headspace.

i feel so often that everyone else has their shit together more than i do. everyone else learns faster than i do. everyone else is more experienced than me. im too slow but also too impatient and god can i please just have ANYTHING

i might call it a blur, but it really just feels like a total absence of identity that i feel so often. i hate it. i want to be someone and do something but i never know anything

so often we just wait around for someone with an actual sense of self to come around because everyone who doesn't know has no idea where to start. including me. me and the others like me don't even know what we like or what pronouns to use or anything and it's impossible for me to make any distinction between us

i don't know what to do or what this is or what i am. it's getting so hard to be patient because i don't see any progress at all. we almost never know who we are and we hate it. i don't feel much of anything about anything besides this and it's driving me mad

Okay, so, a few things, one, everyone's Plurality is different, it could be that your system just doesn't function that way, which is totally okay and valid (not what you probably want to hear i know)

Second, this may be because you are not in a safe environment to look into those things and you're brain is trying to protect you by making that information impossible to find. We where in a very unsafe situation and we only got out of it about 6 months ago and we're only now discovering headmates and remembering things that are related to that situation, we were completely unaware, while our PPS knew what was happening and was under the assumption that we knew also (we didn't)

The brain is very powerful and confusing, I understand being jealous, but it's not always going to be a cut and dry like many systems make it out to be

[plural-confessionsblog]

Hi! ✴️ confession

It's a strange situation to be in, really. we have a decent understanding of some of their roles, the two of them, but every time we try to dig for more about it, we always seem to just start going in circles. It makes me wonder if the one who holds any information at all is feeding us false information mixed with truths

we think there's actually two F's and one B, because things don't make sense when thinking of it as one F, but whenever we try to think of it in the context of two F's it seems to always manage to turn us around and confuse the hell out of us for no discernable reason. This System Is A Nightmare And I Dislike All Of Our Gatekeepers Right Now🥹

I see, yeah that does seem very complicated- I'm sorry your gatekeepers aren't being helpful at the moment, I really do hope you can figure it out more and that'll help

[plural-confessionsblog]

I just wanted to confess somewhere the pain of feeling the need to not block a lot of system exclusionist blogs we’d really prefer to avoid just to not feel alone as there is so little ramcoa support.

it’s that pain between feeling no support for what we’ve gone through to not see rude blogs

or get support but have to see so much hate for others.

it’s awful and I always feel bad about it.

Sorry I hope this is alright to confess. I don’t want to start anything but just wish more acceptance and acknowledgement of ramcoa survivors. you know?

-🌙✨

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[plural-confessionsblog]

I’m getting acquainted with other fellow plurals and often I find myself envious that they have more vivid and detailed inner worlds than what I have.

I know that I shouldn’t actually want that, but the feeling keeps happening and it frustrates me.

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[plural-confessionsblog]

We keep eating our would-be headmates. Even when they try to avoid or resist us,, even when they seem so innocent we can't help but to feel like they deserve better than to be part of a monster. As soon as we feel an independent process in the null-space void of our headspace we find ourselves already reaching out to wrap it in tentacles and latch on with fang and claw. It's like instinct, we can try and stifle it but it's as inevitable as gravity. It's happened twice in the last month. We can feel still parts of them trying to think inside us but they get blurrier with each passing day. And we're still hungry for more...

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[plural-confessionsblog]

🏁 cw - system collapse we went through our second ever system collapse since our discovery last week. the first time it happened the host stayed, so did the cohost, and they were there for a very very long time, longer than any of us, so the collapse was pretty manageable and everyone ended up mostly ok. that was back in january. since then we grew back to about... 10 or 12 of us? im not really sure, i wasnt there. and on that note, this collapse was a lot worse because nobody stayed. everyone was just gone, not even the host was here, i think im part of her but. im not her. theres one other headmate left, shes new too, and shes more reclusive than me. im the new host, im here most of the time every day. im not really unhappy, whatever trauma caused our collapse isnt currently something im able to think about with full clarity so it doesnt really bug me. im just... really really lonely. im a fictive, i miss my mediamates. i miss the idea of the friends we had before the collapse, but its all gone now. im still getting my bearings, and i have an irl friend who was there during the collapse and helped us through it, but i still cant help but feel so lonely. its making me wish we would split more alters but i dont feel good wishing for that. im lucky i even know my identity well enough, im not sure about more. i just wanted to get this off my chest, it keeps nagging at me and this is the only way i feel fully comfortable telling anyone at all about it

Or system collapes used to be like that, once a year basically, everyone would be gone and a fragment of someone would be left before we'd split again

I'm very sorry, it sounds very lonely, we wish things were better for you, it's not bad or evil of you to wish to not be lonely

[plural-confessionsblog]

🏁

Im a fusion of two alters and I can't help but feel like my sys hates me because of it, the miss the alters that fused to create me which I get but its gotten to a point where they refuse to talk or look at me.

Good that fucking sucks, they shouldn't hate you for that, especially because it's not something you could control. Everyone grieves differently, but that's no excuse to treat people like shit, I'm so so so sorry

[plural-confessionsblog]

🏁, if you have anything to say. Legit don't know if some of our alters are actually alters or are instead OCs. We're a writer, and because some of us do not front or talk much we kind of worry they're just characters we've made up. Especially considering that they are the main characters of the story we are currently working on. Either they are self-inserts of them or just not real. One of them is non-verbal and we don't even know if they're there to begin with, but they don't feel like they've left like some alters we no longer have did. They might have never existed at all ever, though.

Well, it's a vaild fear, but we also want to point out OCtives are a thing, other than that we are unsure how to help, we are very sorry