I Need Someone Because I’m Lonely
Jaemin Arc. September 2018
Most nurses aides were older and Jaemin never really cared to meet with them. But he was always kind about it and gave his beautiful gummy smile to them. It was his signature, how sweet and caring he was to everyone. Everyone loved him, especially the younger kids.
“Jaemin, you have an appointment later. The new aide will escort you there.” Jaemin smiled to the nurse like he always did, and waited for her to leave. He was stuck in his room until his appointment it was important that he didn’t do anything extreme to get his heart to worked up.
Na Jaemin was born with a weak heart but it wasn’t discovered until he collapsed in the hallway in school when he was thirteen. Since then he’s been living in the hospital since his condition has grown worse. He knew when he was thirteen without a new heart he only had a few years, five to be exact. He looked at the white ceiling and shook his head softly.
He was in his fifth year after being told he had a weak heart, he was on the heart transplant list and even had a beeper meaning he was moving up the list, but it still broke and scared him to know that he could be so close to a new heart and a normal life but it could all be taken away. But there was no point in worrying, he wanted to live by the ‘live your life to the fullest’ rule but he just couldn’t. He believed that someone like him had no reason to live life to the fullest, sure he faked it to spread joy to everyone else, but there was no reason for him to keep his happiness to himself, he didn’t need it.
His parents rarely came to visit and he didn’t have friends, he had to stop attending regular school at thirteen and he was now eighteen. What life was there for him to live?
“Na Jaemin?” There was a knock at his door and a young girl, around his age, was standing in a nurses aid outfit beside his door. He sat up from his bed and flashed his beautiful smile and turned to have his legs hanging off the side of the bed and he was facing her.
“I’m here to take you to your appointment, I’m the newest nurses aid my name is Juno.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Juno, I like your name. It’s unique.”
“Thank you, my parents liked it because it means queen of the heavens, it’s Latin. My mom teaches Latin and picked it.” Jaemin smiled again, but he wasn’t faking his smile this time. He genuinely liked Juno, the way she just kind of just rambled and made him feel normal for a moment. “Sorry, I was rambling, guess I’m just nervous for my first day.” She gave a small, nervous smile. “Are you ready to go?” Jaemin nodded and stood up walking over to Juno. He was careful of his wires that were constantly monitoring him as the two walked down the halls together.
“Juno, don’t be nervous. I’m sure you’ll do well.”
“Thank you Jaemin. That’s very sweet.” She turned to him as they walked and smiled brightly. She was told that Jaemin was the sweetest patient, always trying to make others happy, that's why she was assigned to him first. However, she wondered a lot about people who were that happy. She knew that people that seemed that happy couldn’t possibly be that happy all the time. She wanted to watch him to make sure everything was okay. It was something she always wondered about people, how they could always be happy. But after meeting this boy, maybe he was just someone who was just genuinely happy.
“This is where my appointment is. Thank you for bringing me, I’ll hopefully see you again.”
“Of course, I’ll be by to check your vitals later on.” She smiled and turned to leave letting Jaemin go into his appointment. She made her way back to the nurse's station and the other nurses began talking to her.
“How’s your first day going?”
“Don’t be. You’re only assigned to Na Jaemin and a few kids right?”
“Right, Na Jaemin, Gou Ming Rui, and Ren Shuyang.”
“They’re the sweetest kids in the whole hospital. You’ll do fine, and you’re only a part of the medical school program, you won’t have too many responsibilities.”
“Thank you.” She let out a little sigh, “I like volunteering at the hospital, I have for a few years, but going to school for that and sociology is amazing.”
“Isn’t she cute?” One of the nurses smiled and looked at the other nurses. “Remember when we first started as aids, we were just like her.”
Juno looked at the clock on the wall, “Ah, I should go check on the two kids, and then I’ll have to go do Jaemin’s vitals.”
“Um, eight, so two hours, wow the day has gone by quickly.”
“Well, if you want to come out to dinner with us to celebrate your first night.”
“That sounds like so much fun, thank you!” And with that Juno left to go check on the younger kids.
During this time Jaemin was in his appointment. “So Jaemin, how have you been feeling?”
“Jaemin, what did we talk about? No lying.”
“Okay…” He said softly and looked down at his feet.”It hurts, a lot. But not just the physical pain, emotionally too. Am I going to get a new heart?”
“I can’t promise anything. You have a beeper, that's a good sign.”
“I know…I just want to be normal again. For my mom to let my dad come to see me, I know she doesn’t care but he does and he can’t even see me.”
“I’m okay though. Can I go now?”
“Shuyang, Ming Rui.” She smiled as she walked into their shared room. They were playing games together, she thought they were adorable. She checked their vitals and then they asked her to stay and play together.
“You’re so fun! Will you come to play again with us tomorrow?”
“Of course! But right now I have to go check Jaemin’s vitals.” She smiled before leaving and heading off to see Jaemin.
“Na Jaemin?” Juno knocked on the door but he wasn’t there. “Jaemin?” She was getting nervous, she knew he had left his appointment, she saw the doctor he was within the hall just a moment ago. She left his room and walked through the halls searching for him when Ming Rui ran up to him.
“I saw Jaemin going up to the roof, he looked sad. I’ve never seen him sad!”
“Thank you, I’ll go make sure he’s okay. Can you do me a favor? Can you go tell the nurses that I can’t go to dinner?” The little boy nodded and ran off while Juno went to the roof.
She opened the door quietly and heard him talking. She saw him sitting on the leg looking at the sky. “Na Jaemin.” She finally said and he turned to face her, his face was tear-stained but he was still smiling at her.
“It’s funny isn’t it?” He said and turned back to look over the ledge, his legs dangling off. Juno walked over and sat beside him, right now she wasn’t a nurse aid she was just a person. “How in a place filled with so many people, so many emotions, so many people who devote their lives to care for people like me. How can I feel so alone?”
“That’s the funny thing about loneliness. Even if you’re in a room with a hundred people if there isn’t someone that you love and care about you can feel alone. Sometimes in places like this, you don’t truly feel loved because you feel like people are caring about you because it’s their job. But, let me tell you something. If you ever feel alone, you can always find me.”
“Juno.” Jaemin turned his head to look at her. “I like you. You’re not like a typical nurses aid, you’re not telling me to get off the roof or to send me back to my room. You’re talking to me like a person, not someone who’s dying.”
“I volunteer at the hospital because I want to care for people, make friends, make people feel normal.”
“Anytime. Do you want to tell me what’s wrong? Why you came up here.”
Jaemin took a long pause and sighed before looking up at the sky and smiling. “I was given five years to live with this heart after they found out I was sick. That was when I was thirteen, now I’m eighteen and I still don’t have a new heart.” He laid his head on her shoulder, he didn’t mean to but when he didn’t push her away he just stayed there. “My mom won’t let my dad visit me anymore, and I just want to feel normal again. I don’t have any friends because I’ve been here for five years, sometimes I just wish it would either be certain I’d live or-“
“Don’t think like that Jaemin, just always hope for the best. What you really want is a new heart to make you feel normal, but can I tell you something? There isn’t such a thing as normal.”
“Juno, what do you and your friends do for fun?”
“I have a few friends, but were not a friend group. They’re all independent of each other.” She laughed softly. “I do what they like, or what I like. For us that’s normal. Let’s find your normal. What do you like to do?”
“I like to play the piano, to dance and play badminton…but those are kind of out the window because of my heart.”
“Maybe you can play the piano for me sometime.” She smiled and then it started to rain. “We should go back inside, can’t risk you getting sick.”
“Wait. Can we just stay like this for a minute? I feel normal when I’m beside you.”
Juno laughed softly. “We just met silly.”
“But I’ve never felt like this before, and with you by my side everything just kind of fell into place. I finally feel like I have a friend even though I know you’re just doing this because you’re my nurse's aide.”
“No Jaemin. I’m not doing this because I’m your nurse's aide. We’re friends now.” She turned her head ever so slightly to see Jaemin’s face while he was laying on her shoulder. He was crying, it was hard to tell with the rain but she could. She moved him off her should and held him in her embrace. She was tinier than he was, but he melted into her form and cried into her chest. Never has he ever heard such sweet words from someone who wasn’t doing it for their job.
“Juno. Thank you. You’re my first friend I’ve had in so many years.”
The days continued on like that, Jaemin and Juno were friends. Real friends. They texted whenever she wasn’t working, she would visit almost every day, bringing her homework to show Jaemin was a college student life was like. It was the first time in a very long time that Jaemin smiled and it was a truly genuine smile, the way he acted he was finally happy. It was amazing how much he changed her.
“Juno can you come into work, we need you.” She has received that message from one of the nurses and hurried in.
“What’s going on?” She asked as soon as she got there. She had been working there for five months now and her friendship with Jaemin was stronger than ever, but it also scared her, she was forming a bond with someone that without a new heart didn’t have long to live.
“It’s Jaemin…” And that's all she had to hear before she ran to his room and saw him laying in a ball on his bed crying.
“Jaem, James what's wrong? What's going on?” She asked softly and sat beside him on the bed rubbing his back.
“No don’t apologize Jaem, what’s going on, come on talk to me.”
“I’m getting so much worse, I just want a new heart. I want to be able to be healthy for you.”
“I don’t want to be someone you’re always worried about, I want to be someone who can be there for you.”
“You are Jaemin. I love you so much Jaem, don’t worry. There is nothing about you I’d change, if you get a new heart or not I’ll still love you.”
“You’re so perfect, Juno.”
“You are too, you’re more than your illness. Never forget that.”
The two of them laid together in his bed for a few hours, he had called asleep in her arms. It reminded her of the first day they met and he cried into her chest on the roof. But suddenly there was a noise coming from the table on the other side of the bed.
“Jaem, Jaem?” She began waking him up and he jumped up and grabbed the device making the noise.
“I’m getting a new heart.” He said barely above a whisper and hugged her tightly and cried tears of joy. “I’m getting a new heart.” He repeated it a few times getting louder each time. The nurses came in and everyone began to celebrate.
“I’m so happy for you Jaemin.”
Jaemin pulled her to him and kissed her, he was just so happy at the moment he couldn’t contain himself. “Ah, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean too.” But Juno just smiled.
