How to Poop Like a Ninja

How to Poop in Public and Cover Your Tracks

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Situation - low powered toilet and the runs

Here's an example of how I would strategize this poop episode.

Since the toilet is low powered (like a residential low flow toilet), I'm going to have to opt for longer periods of time between flushes.  Since it is going to be the runs, I'm going to need lots of layers.

This is exceptionally tricky because the many layers might clog up the low powered toilet.  Layers are a must to keep the runs splatter down. And I'll need time for the toilet tank to refill between flushes. 

Here's the game plan:

After layering the toilet seat and bottom layering, I would just let out the first deposit in one big dump as I flush and top layer.  I need this to get the bulk of the runs out. 

If someone else is in the bathroom with me, I will time my next push with their flush if the toilet tank has filled up by then. 

I keep doing this until I'm done, and then I clean up with one last flush.  Make sure to look at the toilet and survey any damage you might have caused.  Given it is the runs it will probably be in the form of splatter.

If you are fast, you can get a giant was of toilet paper and wipe down the splatter, and give it one last flush. 

Don't forge to wash your hands thoroughly on your way out. 

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Timing You Poop Push

When there are other people in the bathroom, sometimes you must time your poops around other people's behaviors.  Here's how you can mask your own poop sounds and smells with the help of others.  It does take some work on your end though.

1. If the poop is relatively quiet, let it go while you are also urinating.  You can tell sometimes if you're going to have quiet soft serve OR if you're going to have some splatter or ploppers.

2. Push right when you hear someone flushing.  This is generally 3-10 seconds after they start getting toilet paper.  Your poop should be falling in to the toilet at the same time they are flushing, thus masking your smell.

3. Push and immediately flush yourself (don't forget to top layer)! Sometimes you just can't wait.  Poop as you are flushing to minimize the smell, drown out the sound, and to keep the toilet bowl clean for the next push. 

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When your office can hear what you are doing......

I worked in an office where the walls were paper thin.  We could hear everything going on in the bathrooms. 

The best thing to do is to keep a wide distance between your bathroom time so people won't think it was YOU dumping in the bathroom. 

Do this by building time by taking calls and what not. 

However, if you know you can dump and run (finish your entire business in less than 2 minutes), you might opt for a super fast visit method.  Make sure you wash your hands though.  Everyone can hear that.

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Buying Time with Thin Office Walls

When you have to go, you have to go.  Sometimes it takes a while, which means you have to buy time for your absence.  It isn't always as easy to just "leave" when you are in an office environment. This is especially true when you have a completely open office located next to the bathrooms, and the damn walls are so thin you can hear people flush and wash (or not wash) their hands.  My tricks for buying time:

1. Set a call to your cell phone.  If you have a Google number, log in on your computer to call your cell.  You could also use an alarm too, but sometimes you just can't wait.  You need that call ASAP.  Once your phone rings, pick it up and leave the office to take the call. 

I like to immediately head to the bathroom, do my business, and then linger outside for some period of time playing on ebay or Facebook.  That way the office (who could hear everything in the bathroom won't connect the 14 flushes to you).

If you just take your phone and walk out, we think you are playing with your phone while taking a dump.  And then we are grossed out. 

2. The easiest one if you are a female is to feign your period.  I don't like doing that one.  I'd rather have people think I'm taking a gigantic dump than me being on my period.  Honestly, sometimes it is both. 

3. Take a dump during lunch.  If you need a long break to take a dump.  Just do it when you would be gone for a longer period of time.  . 

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How to Layer the Toilet Seat and Bowl

Don't think you can skip this step if you have the runs or a giant poop coming.  You need to layer to keep yourself as clean as possible and to keep your pooping detection to a minimum. 

Layering the Seat

1. Double Layer all the way around.  Do not mess this up.  Overlap the layers to ensure that all seat parts are covered. 

If you are using the provided toilet covers, use at least two.  Don't place them directly on top of each other.  Layer them, overlapping so that the entire toilet seat is covered.  You'll need to sit so you can focus on other aspects of pooping like a ninja.

Layering the Bowl

2. Take strips of toilet paper, about 3-4 sheets long and layer them along the surface of the water.  When you take a giant dump, this will push the paper to the bottom of the toilet.  This also prevents splashback when the poop hits the water.  I call this bottom layering. 

If your poop is clay-like in texture, it may leave skid marks and streaks.  This bottom laying technique will help prevent the skid marks, which can take many, many flushes to fix. 

3. Top layering is often needed when you are about to flush.  To top layer, take strips of paper about 4-6 squares in length and toss them into the toilet behind you as you flush.  I like to flush right as I'm finishing a poop push.  It should be timed so that the top layer paper falls right into the toilet as the last of that poop hits the water, and then flush immediately. 

This prevents the smell from escaping, and the additional paper prevents splashback and flush back water from hitting your butt.  Remember to add another bottom layer of toilet paper in the water (just toss it back there) before you do your next poop push. 

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Why you should Layer the Toilet Bowl

There are three GREAT reasons to layer.

1. Prevent skid marks.  Trust me.  When you have giant dinosaur poops, you'll see the importance of layering the bowl. 

2. Prevent splash back when dropping off the kids.  No one wants dirty toilet water splashing on their delicate behinds.  A nice layer of toilet paper will keep the water from splashing up when the kids are diving in the pool.

3. Prevent flushing splash.  This is the worst, and it happens with most all industrial strength toilets.  When you are flushing the toilet after an explosive episode of the runs, the last thing you want is a spray of dirty toilet water on your bum.  It is just disgusting to think that your own poop is spraying your butt with germs.  You should pre and post layer to prevent this. 

Next post up is how to layer the toilet seat and toilet bowl. 

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Why you should Layer the Seat

I don't think I need to say it, but for crying out loud, pick a stall with copious amounts of toilet paper.  I'm not talking half a roll, but like two full rolls.  You NEED plenty of toilet paper to execute the layering technique. 

There are several great reasons to layer the toilet seat and the toilet bowl.

I always put a double layer of paper on the seat, all the way around on any surface my precious thigh skin might touch.  You have no idea what was there.  If it is in a public bathroom, just assume it is covered in feces. 

If you are using the toilet seat covers, I usually do 2-3 layers.  They are great, but they need at least 2 for full coverage.  The covers will slide around when you sit.  If you are going to poop like a ninja, you will need to sit so that you can focus your mind on other activities.

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Selecting a Location - Travel Edition

Selecting a location to take your dump needs to be strategic.  If you are traveling with others, this may be a problem.  I have been stuck in a situation where I was traveling with someone of the same gender.  While I was able to use the bathroom after my travel buddy went, there was a long line after me.  Unfortunately, the toilet wasn't industrial power, and it couldn't handle my poop.  I had to do the walk of shame as I left a long line of people in a desolate small town in an Arizona desert to stare at my floating poop in a clogged toilet. 

With that said, here's how you can avoid my unfortunate situation. 

1. Select truck stops or travel stops.  These places are notorious for having  many stalls, high powered flushing toilets, and showers if needed.  My favorites are Love's and Buc-cee's. 

You might think that if you stop at a little deserted gas station, no one else will know you are doing the deed.  Wrong indeed.  The bathrooms are typically more disgusting, there's only a single stall, and the cashier will know what you are doing.  A ninja pooper has the advantage of hiding in plain sight.

2. If you have to stop at a gas station, try to pick one that is connected to a restaurant.  Sometimes the smell of the food is so overpowering that the smell of your poop will never be detected.  Subway shops and Burger King's are great choices.  You might leave smelling like 9 grain wheat, but your poop will go unnoticed.