As much as I’d like to say that I remember everything about that day, like the weather or time- I don’t. The only thing I remember is feeling the warmth of his body slipping away, as if it fell through my fingers. We should be at lupin by now… I think I was there for hours, at least that's what it felt like, although it could have been only a few minutes. I hadn’t cried since childhood, before my life in the mafia. The feeling of the salty tears that burned my chapped skin was almost foreign to me although the shock didn’t overcome the pure despair I felt within that moment. I’m sure Odasaku would be surprised as well- I doubt he saw me as human in the few years we had known each other. Nobody did.
The obnoxious sun shone through my curtain at the agency dorms. And suddenly my futon felt increasingly comfortable. It gently lulled me in for a few more hours of precious slumber. Right as the darkness began to envelop me and my consciousness was slipping away a loud banging sound was heard at my door. So loud and full of fervor that you’d think whoever was doing it had a personal vendetta against me. “Dazai! You bandage squandering machine! Get up!”
Oh, it is somebody with a personal vendetta against me. Kunikida, my partner. Sometimes I do sympathize with him but then I remember that he constantly has a stick up his anus. I slowly rose from my bed. Immediately missing the comfort of my flat pillows and thin quilt. I stretched my limbs and cringed at the popping sound my shoulders made. In two long strides I reached the dorm door where the banging continued as well as the indistinguishable shouts and profanities. I swung open the door. “Oh hello Kunikida- kun~ You truly wound me!”
Kunikida (as always) was irked. “You idiot Dazai! You’re late! Again. Always ruining my schedule!”
Truly I wanted to just brush him off and ignore him. As the winter months were quite usually when my bed was more comfortable and I wasn't so interested in much, the longer days seemed impossible to get through. But most definitely Kunikida would notice if I just ignored him. I had put up this entire facade for the people I know, they know me as a loud blubbering fool. A slacker, if you will. “Kunikida~ Come on, loosen up a bit~” I teased, earning myself a grumble of annoyance.
And suddenly the back of my coat was being tugged out the door. “Hey! Let me go!” I whined but Kunikida wasn’t having it.
He dragged me all the way from the agency dorms to the agency. Just as I wanted to take a moment to breathe, Kunikida carelessly tossed me inside. I fell on the floor with an undignified thump. The majority of the agency's eyes turned to me. I got up with a mopey look on my face. “You wound me Kuni~” I could’ve sworn I saw a blood vessel pop from Kunikida’s head.
“Do NOT call me that, you scumbag!” He screamed. Moving to my desk in the back, I didn't bother to acknowledge any of my coworkers. I knew they turned away but I felt like I could still feel eyes burning into the back of my skull. For once I actually started to do my paperwork,
which earned me a few suspicious looks. But, that didn’t last very long as I fell asleep.
The room was dingy. Not really a room. A boxcar. A single flickering light hung from the ceiling, barely illuminating my pale face. The metallic smell of blood wafted through the air, It seemed to be an endless scent. Wherever I went it followed me. As I looked in the mirror I saw nothing, no human, nobody, nothing of worth. Dark, black eyes perforated my face, deep circles under them. My bones awkwardly stuck out, as if the only thing trapping them was my skin. Oily brown hair clung to my forehead. My arms bare, they were lined with deep jagged scars, puckered and sinking into the surrounding skin. I couldn't stand it- my fist met with the mirror. A loud shattering noise broke the tense silence. Crimson liquid spilled from my knuckles, the fat globs dripping from the lacerated skin.
I was shaken awake by Atsushi, my protege. His brows knitted together with concern. “Dazai- san? Are you okay? You seemed…” He hesitated before finishing, “restless.”
“Oh Atsushi- Kun. I’m fantastic!” I hopped from my desk. “In fact I’m so fantastic that I've decided to treat you to some crepes!”
At the mention of crepes Kyouka peered her head over the table. In her soft spoken
voice, one that reminded me of how a newly fluffed pillow felt, she asked, “Can I come too?” I beamed, “Of course, Kyouka-chan!”
After our crepes I was finally able to head home. It smelt of alcohol and sweat, a gross combo. My apartment seemed smaller than usual, like it was crushing me in. My eyes landed on a photo. It’s rumored that when a trio takes a photo, the one in the middle dies. Me, Odasaku and Ango. I wondered what would happen if Oda stayed alive. Would I be in the port? He certainly wouldn't be my friend in a world like that. Because ultimately, I was the reason he died. In any universe I’d be his untimely demise. The only way he’d live is if I died. In honesty? I wish that’s how it turned out. I’ve never had much care for my life, but he enjoyed, he lived and loved. He was able to muster up more real human emotion in a day than I could in my whole meaningless life. I made my way to my bed.
I felt as if a black hole had begun to eat my insides, leaving me as nothing but a skin suit. Going through the robotic motions of life. I sunk into the futon.. It felt nothing like it this morning. It felt as if I were laying on a cold flat rock. The beige blankets didn't do much to help with my comfort nor the biting cold. I could feel it in my bones. I hadn't found the energy to turn my ceiling fan off so I just stared at the blades as they spun. My mind wandered. I thought about if I went missing, would I be missed? Sure, for a while but… I’m not irreplaceable. The agency could still strive without me. They had Ranpo. And he’s the smartest detective in the world. I faintly heard my door open. A soft voice broke calm. Slicing through the air- like the ceiling blades in a way. “Come on Dazai.”
I moved nothing but my eyes. “Oh. Kunikida.” I couldn't muster up any smart words as he pulled me to my feet. He was one of few people who towered over my tall frame. His blonde hair out of his usual ponytail. Framing his tanned face in a picturesque way. He wrapped an arm around my back. Tugging me to my bathtub. “Do I have to undress you like a child?”I didn't answer.
“Osamu. Look at me.” Nobody called me that. Nobody but… Oda… My eyes flickered to his green ones, then back to the floor. A dirty feeling spread through me. It was thick, like vegemite being spread on toast. I hadn't felt like this before. Not that I could remember, but it made me want to look away. It made me want to hide myself, it made me want to claw into my ribs and just rip them out. Embarrassment? No. Shame. I was ashamed. Kunikida’s gaze softened when I didn’t respond. He gently tugged my shirt over my head and unbuttoned my beige trousers. Limply, I complied and got into the bathtub. What’d they call this? Casual intimacy I think. It was nice though, his thimble fingers threading through my chestnut hair. I think I let out a whimper of sorts because Kunikida pulled away with a worried look. I said nothing once more as he continued to wash me. Using a soft foamy soap that smelt faintly of
cedar. He definitely brought this from his own dorm, which meant he was anticipating this. But… how? I was doing good. I thought I was hiding it well. Maybe Ranpo told him. “Up.”
Kunikida’s voice felt muffled. I let him pull me up and dry me off. Ruffling my hair with a grey towel I’ve had for forever. I was then engulfed in the softest warmth I think I’ve ever felt. A pair of light blue sweatpants and a hoodie. Both things I didn't own. I usually slept in my boxers or my work clothes. Maybe I should invest in a sweatset… Kunikida grabbed my hand. Warm and calloused in my soft and clammy hand. He took me into his dorm. I fell into his soft bed. It dipped beneath my weight. Kunikida draped a blanket over me. Violet and feather-soft. I don’t think I’ve ever been so comfortable. I heard the bed groan as more weight was added. Slender arms wrapped around my waist and kunikida laid his head on my shoulder. “It’ll be okay.”
I closed my eyes and nodded off. Darkness surrounded my vision as I fell asleep. I took a final look at my rusting shipping container.
I’m going to do it Oda. I’m going to leave and become a good man. Just like you said. I’ll fix my moral compass. I will be worthy. I took a final step off the mafia property. My black coat, given to me by the boss as a welcome gift. I doused it in lighter fluid. The smell putrid as I threw a lit match on it. Flames engulfed the dark coat. A magnificent shade of orange and reds. I stood there until the flames died down and the jacket was nothing more than a pile of ashes. I had been in the port since I was fourteen. This was truly an end of eras. The demon prodigy would be no more. They had a saying in the port mafia, ‘The biggest misfortune for Dazai’s enemies was that they are Dazai’s enemies.’ That Dazai would be no more. The ruthless killer. The abuser. The perpetuator of the cycle. I’d be the start. I’d make my own cycle- a savior instead of an abuser. I moved on, I stood in front of a towering building. The Armed Detective Agency. These people solved the cases that the police couldn't handle with their special abilities. No Longer Human would finally be useful, no longer a weapon of destruction. I knew deep down I’d never be true;y good. I’d never get the lives I’ve killed back. I’d never fix the trauma that I gave Aktugawa. But, I can be a better man. I woke up to sunlight shining through a curtain.
I turned and saw a beautiful sight. Golden sunlight framing kunikida’s sleeping face. His soft lips parted slightly as quiet snores erupted from him. Just then- I knew everything would be okay.
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