Braindump

I'm different

[probablypeoplepleasering]

Probably won't be here anymore soon. Not by choice but because my bones are disintegrating and my heart is shrinking and my lungs is rotting and my stomach is rotting. I am rotting. I won't be here for much longer

[probablypeoplepleasering]

Am I real? Is this real? Is life real or is everything a simulation? Like Is this actually my life? Wtf is this? Wtf is my life? Wtff

[probablypeoplepleasering]

All I've ever wanted is to be loved. It's why nobody wants to love me.

[probablypeoplepleasering]

I crave relationships more than anything. It's why they never work

[probablypeoplepleasering]

I'm an evil person who doesn't deserve anything. I don't deserve anything good. I ruin everything. I destroy relationships. I make people upset. That's what I do. I don't deserve anyone.

[probablypeoplepleasering]

When my friend was going through stuff I was there for all of it. And then when I'm going through stuff no one is there 🤣🤣

[probablypeoplepleasering]

Nobody likes me. Like why am I actually still here?

[probablypeoplepleasering]

I wish I had real friends and then when I do I ruin it like I ruin everything

[probablypeoplepleasering]

I hate my brain so much. Like I literally do this to myself.

[may-flowerz]

little!daisy x cg!billy x cg!camila

bless the telephone.

summary: after trying to push her regression away during the aurora tour, Daisy finally slips.

word count: 1.2k

——— 🧡

They all knew it would happen sometime. At home, Daisy’s regression was constant. Let it be because Camila made her feel so safe she had no choice but to feel small or because she had finally found the perfect balance between her adult life and her little side, Daisy spent at least two days of the week fully regressed. When the “Aurora” tour was announced, everyone knew it would be a big adjustment– they would be far from home, sleeping on buses and having little to no spare time between sound checking, hitting the road and performing.

Daisy knew it too, but didn’t want to seem weak or cause any trouble, so she pretended like it wasn’t a big deal. The first days were awesome. The energy boost the band got from the crowds was eletric, Daisy felt like she could stay with that buzzing on her ears forever and she wouldn’t mind if it meant performing every few days. The crowd loved her. When she was on stage, she was transformed into something different. Her whole body felt like it was set on fire, and the tip of her fingers would tingle from holding the microphone too tight from being so excited. This was what she had dreamed for, worked for, for all her life up until now.

So when she felt the signs of regression start washing over her body, usually late at night after the shows, Daisy pushed it off. For weeks. And although Billy found it weird how the woman who had created a beautiful regression routine at home seemed like she had never regressed a day in her life, he decided not to push it. And Daisy seemed fine, after all. She felt fine. Or at least she told herself she did, as she tried to be brave and big and live up to everything everyone expected from her during the tour.

It worked, for a while. When she caught herself with her thumb in her mouth, she would immediately take it away and pretend it didn’t happen.

Daisy pretended until she emotionally couldn’t anymore.

One night after a show, while she was lying in bed still feeling her whole body shake, Daisy slipped. Her thoughts started to get confusing, and she didn’t realize she was crying until she felt the tears start to wet her pillow. She was so, so tired. She missed home, she missed Camila. She missed all her toys, and her bed, and the flowers in the garden she would use to make flower crowns with. Daisy got up with wobbly legs and walked to the living area of the bus where the whole band, besides her, were gathered on the couches with drinks and snacks. Billy was sat next to Karen, with a water bottle in hands and a tired look on his face. As soon as Daisy saw him, she started sobbing again.

Billy was up in a matter of seconds.

“Papa” She cried as Billy examined her whole body, looking for any injury it might have happened while she was in bed. He found nothing.

With a sigh of relief, Billy wrapped his arms around the crying figure and hugged her tight. That always helped her feel comforted, at home. Here, it made her start crying more.

Everyone else watched them with worried faces. Thinking Daisy would feel more comfortable somewhere more private, they walk to the other bus, Billy holding Daisy so close to his body that she almost melted into him.

“Hey, Dais, look at me.” He gently asked, putting her down on the couch. “Papa’s here. Look what I got.”

He pulled a box from under the table, and Daisy wondered if it always been there and she didn’t notice. When Billy opened the lid, he was met with all of Daisy’s favorite things. Camila had boxed everything up, so Daisy could feel as close to home as possible. Billy kept it near, ready for the night Daisy might need them.

He took Daisy’s favorite stuffed animal, a fox with red fur that looked identical to Daisy’s hair, and handed it to her. She immediately hugged it, trying to ground herself. Billy then pulled out a pacifier, a sippy cup and a children’s book Camila used to read for her at home. At the sight of her favorite things, Daisy was able to start breathing more calmly, her tears drying.

“There’s my girl.” Billy praised, caressing Daisy’s cheeks with soft hands. “Do you want to tell Papa what happened?”

And Daisy tried to make sense of what was going on inside her head, but it all felt like too much and she was quickly on the verge of tears again. “Miss Mama. Wan’ Mama!”

Billy scooped the girl to his lap, rocking them back and forth. “It’s okay, Dais, what do you think we go give her a call, hm?”

It was a little past midnight and Camila was probably asleep by now, but Billy simply couldn’t let Daisy at the state she was in. He helped her put a sweater and shoes on and they walked to the nearest telephone booth they could find. Billy dialed the number, and waited — prayed — for Camila to pick up. It rang once, twice, three times and Camila finally answered.

“Hello?” She asked from the other side of the line, her voice proving she was asleep seconds ago.

Billy smiled. “Hey, Cami.”

At the clue that Camila had picked up, Daisy widened her eyes. “Mama!”

She screamed, trying to get the telephone out of her Papa’s hands and into her own. “Dais, gentle hands, remember?”

By Billy’s tone, Camila knew she was about to speak to a four year old. Her four year old, who she missed so dearly.

Daisy, with the telephone against her ear, started rambling. “Mama! Mama, Mama, Mama! Hi, Mama!”

Camila laughed at Daisy’s excitement, her chest warming up. “Hola, cariño! Oh my, is my bebé okay? It’s so late and you’re up. Is Papa taking care of you?”

“Mama, Dais cried… An’ Papa got sippy and foxy an’ said we could call Mama if Dais wan’.”Daisy pouted, remembering how she felt not long ago.

Billy watched her with a smile on his face, admiring how Daisy’s eyes seemed to shine brighter when she felt small.

“What happened, Birdie?” Camila asked, wishing she was there to keep all of Daisy’s bad feelings away.

Daisy sighed. “Dais miss Mama. Lots.”

“Aw, cariño, Mama misses you so much more. We’ll be together soon, okay? Just five more days. Can you count to five for Mama?”

Daisy counted to five using her fingers, smiling as she realized five wasn’t a big number after all. Mama would be with her in five days!

They talked a little more, mostly Camila comforting Daisy and keeping her distracted. When Daisy yawned, Billy said it was time to go back so she could rest. And after all that crying, she really did feel tired. “Bye Mama, Ni Ni.”

“Bye, bebé, buenas noches. Te amo.” Camila hang up.

When they arrived at the bus, Billy poured warm milk into Daisy’s sippy cup and watched as she drank it all up, curled against his body in bed. He read her favorite book and by the fourth page, she was asleep. Although he wasn’t sleepy yet, Billy didn’t move or get up. He stayed there, enjoying the tiny body pressed against his and listening to the sound of Daisy breathing. She was safe, and she was sleeping. Leaving a kiss on the top of her head, Billy drifted off into sleep shortly after, with his Papa heart so warm it felt like it could explode.

[probablypeoplepleasering]

I have always struggled with talking. Throughout my whole life, I have never understood the rules to speaking. I remember being five years old meeting my dad's girlfriend for the first time and not saying a single word the whole time. Afterwards, my dad asked if I didn't like her because I didn't say anything. I replied with "I dont know what to say". Talking to people has always felt like a different language to me. I love writing; I've been writing since I first learnt how to pick up a pen. But talking skills has never been something I've been able to grasp. It was a few years ago now that I read the dsm-5 for autism, specifically section A, and thought omg that is literally my life written out. Since then, I've spoken to professionals about my struggles, specifically my struggles with communication. I've always been met with the same thing: the pandemic, anxiety, something I'll grow out of, just shyness. No one ever takes me seriously. I started sixth form in September and my social skills have gotten ten times worse and no one understand because all my life I've been told that when I get older I'll get better at talking, and so I'm older and have only gotten worse everyone is confused and angry at me. In high school, I never spoke to anyone. Throughout primary school I was made fun of frequently for how I talked, apparently I constantly said the wrong things and was labelled 'rude'. But in high school you don't have to socialise. It's like a rule where if you don't like the person who site next to you, you just ignore them during partner work. Sixth form is entirely different. I'm forced to talk all the time, and I'm learning just how bad my social skills are compared to everyone else's. While every single person in my classes can talk and carry out small talk so easily, I can't grasp it. I'm masking constantly and I'm so tired and I just can't seem to get any social stuff right. I'm not taken seriously. When I tell people in my life about my social struggles, they tell me to "get out of my comfort zone" and do things that will make me upset and have a meltdown, like purposefully putting myself in a social situation that I know I will fail at. It's so hard. Like someone's talking to me and I just have no idea how to respond so I say nothing and like I know it's rude but I'm so tired and I just don't know what to say. I just want someone to understand, someone to take me seriously.

[dungeon-master-mike]

mike doesn't eat at dinner because he's preoccupied with will -> mike shovels down his breakfast to go give el her breakfast -> mike doesn't eat at dinner again -> mike doesn't eat during s2 dinner -> mike stress eats after being broken up with -> mike denies lucas' offer of cocoa puffs because he is worried about what el and max are talking about -> mike is the only one out of all of them who doesn't eat his candy from the vending machine because he's preoccupied with making things right with el. he actually gives m&m's to el instead -> mike only drinks a milkshake at rink o mania -> mike doesn't eat at dinner, and is the only one doing so, too preoccupied with what happened -> mike doesn't eat his breakfast because he's too worried about el and instead brings hers instead -> el and argyle forcefully feed mike pizza

do you see a pattern here? mike is consistently mentally preoccupied with something else that it blocks off any desire to eat. mike is presented in front of food 11 times. 10/11, he rejects the food. this is disordered eating. a point is being made. he does struggle to eat, and not necessarily for image reasons. he's simply always thinking of someone else before himself, preventing him from focusing on the food in front of him and taking care of his needs.

i see people point out the queercoding of the pizza scene. have we considered maybe it could also be el's way of making sure he takes care of himself for once?

[probablypeoplepleasering]

One moment I hate being autistic and the next I'm playing a snippet my favourite artist released of their song that's coming out in 2 days flapping my hands to it and feeling nothing but joy.

[probablypeoplepleasering]

Pushing myself to limits I didn't even know was possible. My body hates me.

[autistickiramman]

some gifs i made of cait stimming <3

[probablypeoplepleasering]

My Mum complained today that "I don't show emotions" but throughout my teenage years she would get upset anytime I show a slight bit of emotion. "Are you on your period?" "It's hormones" every single time I acted like a teenage and showed a slight bit of anger or sadness. I was not born like this. I want to make that clear. She made me like this.

[probablypeoplepleasering]

My mum doesn't think anyone else can be in pain but herself. I told her tonight that all my teeth hurt and I can barely eat and she shrugged her shoulders saying "what do you want me to do about it". Like idk that's why I'm asking you. I'm in so much pain all the time from my head to my stomach, but she's the only one that is allowed to to talk about being in pain. I'm just a stupid 16 year old what do I know?