Prolifers assaulted her when she went to get an abortion. Years later, they celebrated when she had a miscarriage. (Part 1)
TW: In this interview, A discusses being in an abusive relationship, being raped, getting assaulted outside of Planned Parenthood, her friends suicide, her miscarriage, and some hate comments left by trolls.
Central Florida was usually sunny and warm outside. But today was different. The clouds covered the sun and the sky was gray. The wind blew and the grass was damp from rain and dew. This wasn’t the weather I was hoping for on Christmas Eve, but the weather in Florida was unpredictable. I rang the doorbell and stared at the brown wooden door in front of me, complete with an old brass doorknob and floral engravings. From inside, I heard the barks of a small dog and a woman shushing him. The dog quieted and the door swung open.
I was greeted by my good friend, A. Her hair was dyed a vibrant red and flat ironed straight and she wore a small black velvet dress, complete with black platform boots that made her almost my height. Her eyelids were coated in dark eyeshadow and her lips were dark purple, almost black. Her lip rings shined as she smiled and embraced me in a hug. It has been almost a year since I last saw A and she was still as beautiful as she was when I last saw her. She and I worked at the same nightclub a few years ago and we remained close.
A gave me a tour of her house and introduced me to her dog. He growled nervously from inside his crate before quieting down again. I was going to interview outside on her porch, but plans changed upon seeing the weather. So instead, we decided that the kitchen table would be our best bet. I watched in awe as A navigated the kitchen in her boots while making us cups of hot cocoa.
Me: How do you feel knowing that there are prolifers who have the same fashion sense as you?
A: Oh God, Don’t remind me. You’re probably referring to that Kristen Turner girl and her friends. They’re so gross. They wished they looked like me.
Me: Prochoice women are definitely better looking. Anyone who says otherwise is delusional.
A: Absolutely! Have you seen that photo of Kristen and her buddies posing by bending over with their hands on their knees to show their boots off? They posted it on the anniversary of Roe overturning. I’m embarrassed for them.
A finished making the hot cocoa and handed me a mug. What she said was true: Prolife women wished they looked like her. Her dress reached her knees and hugged her curves. Her hair reached mid back when straightened and it glistened in the kitchen light. Her tan skin and her height in her platform boots made her resemble a goddess. When I first met her, I couldn’t help but be smitten with her. She was quiet at first, but talkative once she opened up to you. And as she sat across from me, I took in her beauty. But I wasn’t here to gawk, I was here to interview her.
Me: So, tell me about when you got your abortion back in 2021.
A: Well, I was in an abusive relationship with this guy I met after a night of drinking. I was definitely at rock bottom. My ex boyfriend who I was still in love with chose another girl over me. And then months later, I started talking to another guy and then he also chose another girl over me. So I sat on the sidewalk and began drinking, and that’s where my abuser first saw me. He raped me numerous times throughout our relationship. And then I became addicted to heroin and cocaine, and then not long into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. I scheduled an appointment at Planned Parenthood and they gave me an ultrasound. They gave me counseling and asked if I was 100% sure I wanted an abortion, and I told them I was.
I was terrified about my boyfriend finding out I was pregnant because he was unpredictable. He dropped some subtle clues that he wanted to be a father, but then he would beat me and leave me cut and bruised. I was convinced that if he found out I was pregnant, he’d kill me. And also, I wasn’t even in a good place to be a mother. I was drinking and doing drugs almost daily. I didn’t live with my boyfriend, but he would pick me up almost daily. The environment I was in was not a good environment for pregnancy and eventually a baby. So I knew what needed to be done.
The doctors determined that my best bet would be to get the procedure done in the clinic as opposed to taking the pill at home because of my PCOS and irregular periods. After my abortion, they were going to check my pelvic floor and uterus free of charge to see if I had any serious abnormalities, which thankfully I didn’t. The doctors sat me in a conference room with the door open and a laptop. They showed me a video of the type of procedure they were going to do on me. And, you’ve seen that abortion procedure in that movie called Unplanned, right? Well, the procedure in real life did not resemble that at all!
A: Not at all! The woman in the video was about as far along as I was, and the fetus was just a blob! They went in there and suctioned it and that was that!
Me: Abby Johnson, who created Unplanned, loves to say that if someone were to see an abortion in person, then they would become prolife. She doesn’t understand that millions of women have seen abortions and they’re still prochoice!
A: Exactly! I am still as prochoice as ever! But anyway, after my first appointment, they made me wait two weeks just in case I had a change of heart. I know it’s not like that everywhere, but where I was at the time, it was like that. So after two weeks, and after numerous beatings and drug and alcohol binges, I walked to Planned Parenthood for my appointment. I lied and told them I had reliable transportation, but I didn’t have a car and I didn’t even have money for an Uber. Thankfully the clinic wasn’t too far from me.
So I reach the clinic and there are protesters outside. I’m thinking “fuuuuuck.” I keep my head down and try walking around the clinic and hope they don’t notice me. But they did. And they swarmed. They swarmed around me like cockroaches. I soon was surrounded by people and giant pictures of aborted, bloody fetuses. Some of these people were begging me not to get an abortion and some were yelling at me and calling me a murderer and demanding that I repent to God. They called me demonic and some were even telling me to keep my legs closed. And then I was hit in the head with a water bottle and the raw eggs and mustard started flying.
Eggs and mustard dripped down my face and it was all in my hair and these people were pulling my hair and grabbing my arms and they were so determined to keep me from getting into the clinic. The security guard saw this shit going down and he was able to push through the crowd to get to me and he escorted me through the back entrance of the clinic and it then occurred to me how many sets of security doors I had to walk through. These protesters were so crazy that there were multiple security doors. These people screamed and protested and threw things, but they still did not manage to prevent me from getting my abortion. The doctors took my bag, which had another set of clothes and my wallet, and I got changed into a gown and pretty soon, my abortion was over.
A nurse named Nurse Penny talked to me as I sat in the recovery room. She noticed that I was covered in cuts and bruises and just looked so unhealthy. I told her about my boyfriend and about how he treated me. And she made me promise her that I would get clean and I would leave my boyfriend. She even called me an Uber so I wouldn’t have to walk home because it started raining. And I found it kind of funny because when it started raining, the protesters left. If they really cared about life and “babies” as much as they say they do, then rain shouldn’t have been enough to send them home. If they really had these beliefs, they would have opened an umbrella or thrown on a poncho and toughed it out.
But yeah, soon after my abortion, I left my boyfriend and got a restraining order. I locked myself in my room and quit the drugs cold turkey. If it wasn’t for Nurse Penny, I would still be with my boyfriend. I would still be on drugs. And hell, I would probably be dead by now if it weren’t for her.
Me: That is such a heartbreaking and breathtaking story. I am so sorry that you endured that. I know you don’t like telling this story, but back in June, on the one year anniversary of Roe overturning, you told your story on TikTok. I posted your video to Instagram and almost instantly, the comments started filling with prolifers who deny the validity of your story. What do you have to say to them?
A: I want them to know that I see their comments and I think that all of them are full of shit. What would be my reason to lie about this? To make prolifers look bad? They don’t need me to do that. They already look bad on their own. But at the end of the day, I know that my story is true because I lived it. You know my story is true. All of my friends know that my story is true. That’s all that matters. These prolifers get mad when I tell my story because they don’t want to admit that they have a toxic mindset. They don’t want to admit that the policies they support do more harm than good. These people are jokes. If they don’t want to believe me, that’s fine. But at the end of the day, they are the ones who are wrong.
Me: Well said. They absolutely are the ones in the wrong. So how has your life been since your abortion.
A took a deep breath and took a sip of her cocoa. We both knew that this interview was going to be difficult. But she was still willing to do it.
Me: If you need to take a break, you can do so.
A: Oh no no, it’s fine. I’m fine. But…life is hard, you know? This past year alone has been hard. My dog got hurt pretty bad in February. They didn’t know if he was going to make it. The vets even asked if I wanted to sign a DNR just in case his heart stopped. But as you saw when you got here, he pulled through and made a full recovery. And then in May, I had issues with yet another guy. Me and him had a brief fling and he told me he loved me, but then a year later, he ghosts me and gets a girlfriend. I guess I saw it coming from a mile away, but it still hurt. And this happened after I learned that a friend of mine killed himself.
A: It’s okay. He,(let's call him F) was battling his demons for a while and he unfortunately lost. We had some issues and I said and did some stuff I regret, but he told me he forgave me. And then he drifted off and I found out he killed himself a day or two after my birthday.
Me: I’m sure F really did forgive you.
A: I know he did. Despite what his friends tell me, I know he forgave me.
Me: Don’t let them convince you otherwise.
A: For a while after his death, I did. This is going to sound so dorky, but F was a Twitch streamer and he had a Discord that I was a part of. I ended up leaving after a while because he wasn’t talking to me as much. Last Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve 2022, F’s friend (S) started talking to me on Discord and he ended up adding F’s ex-girlfriend to the chat. F’s ex claimed that he was abusive and even offered screenshots as proof. S and I were devastated because F always seemed so sweet and chill. I couldn’t confront F about it because his ex begged us not to, and F didn’t really talk to me anymore anyway. As someone who has also been in an abusive relationship, I didn’t want to scare her off or reopen any old wounds. So I began to hate F for what he did to her.
S told me this past May that F killed himself, and I didn’t feel anything because I still hated him. It was then that S and I discovered that F’s ex girlfriend deleted her Discord and nobody knew where she was. We talked to F’s brother and we found out that the screenshots she sent were most likely doctored. That’s the real reason she didn’t want anyone talking to F about being abusive: the screenshots were fake. F was never abusive. It was all just one big hoax and now he was dead. He died with me hating him, and that’s what kills me so much. He will never be with his family again. He will never stream again. He has followers who don’t know what happened to him and they never will. His Twitch account is still up and I can’t bring myself to watch his videos.
I’m still grieving. I can’t get over how lonely he must’ve felt when he did this. He didn’t know how loved he was and now it’s too late to show him.
Me: It’s not too late. He knows how much he was loved.
A decided to take a break. She stood quietly at the sliding glass door and stared out into her backyard. In the distance, thunder rumbled lowly. The houses on the other side of the canal in the backyard glowed as the Christmas lights began to come on as well as the lights from inside. It was only 5 PM but it felt later. I wanted to comfort her, but I knew she just needed to be left alone for a minute. She didn’t want to be touched. In the meantime, I read over my notes and stood so I could stretch. I excused myself so I could use the restroom quickly. When I came back, A was once again seated at the table.
A: I’m ready now. Sorry about that.
Me: You always apologize when you let your feelings out. You don’t need to. You’ve been through a lot this past year. You’ve been through a lot in your life in general.
A nodded before telling me that she was ready to discuss the main purpose of this interview.
Me: So, around the middle of last month, you discovered you were pregnant. How did that make you feel?
A: I was terrified. I was disgusted. I was angry at myself for letting this happen again, especially now when abortion rights are on the line. But to be honest, I’ve been thinking about having a baby for a while. But I would always psyche myself out by focusing on only the negative aspects of pregnancy and motherhood. And I would always convince myself that I would be a horrible mother. Because I’m not the best at interacting with my young niece and nephew or children in general. Also, as you know, I’m not in a relationship. I got pregnant from having a fling at a concert I went to. I felt so stupid and so dirty when I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. So I ordered abortion pills from someone out of state. And I drank, a lot. And I got my vaccinations updated for the Flu and Covid, and I even got the other side of my lip pierced. And I did all this while knowing I was pregnant.
But then…this is going to sound so stupid, but I was watching the news one night and I saw that one of the news anchors just had a baby. And she was absolutely adorable. She was all swaddled and had a pacifier in her mouth, and I knew she was going home and she was going to be cuddled and so loved. I realized I wanted that. I wanted a little miniature me so I could love them and raise them and watch them grow. I was willing to endure the bloating, the swelling feet, the bleeding gums, the bizarre cravings, the acne, the mouth ulcers, and the mood swings. So it was then I decided to keep it. I wasn’t ready to tell my family but I told my friends, because I knew they wouldn’t judge me the way my family would. And for the most part, my friends were supportive.
A: Yeah. One of my friends…I could tell that he was questioning my decision. He began to bombard me with questions. And I could tell that he thought I was making a mistake, and I could tell he was annoyed with me. Because for the longest time, we discussed how neither of us wants kids. And yet there I was, pregnant and wanting to keep it. I guess he felt betrayed in a way. He never said he felt that way but I could tell.
And another guy who I talked to on Snapchat was also pretty upset. He started asking me how much I made in a year and if I had my own car and my own place. And then he came right out and said that I shouldn’t have a baby because according to him, I wasn’t making enough money and I was going to struggle. Keep in mind that I have never met this guy in person before. We were only friends on Snapchat. That was it. But he still felt that it was his place to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. And then he tried to turn around and tell me he was saying these things because he didn’t want to see me struggle being a single mother and potentially being homeless. Once again, I have never met this guy in person before. We do not know each other. He had no reason to care this much. But yeah, I basically told him to go choke and he responded with, “When I get proven right, I won’t be happy about it.” Along with a frowning emoji.
A: Yeah, he was. But I pushed his opinion aside and I wrote you those DMs to post basically announcing my pregnancy and telling these antichoicers not to congratulate me. Because everytime a woman tells her story about how she was going to get an abortion before changing her mind, antichoicers flock to the comments to congratulate her. They think that this means she is now prolife and they consider it a victory, another badge for them to add to their sash.
Me: They have no shame. Those were some badass DMs that you sent.
Me: Now…I’m trying to find a nice way to transition into this, because I know it’s hard for you.
A: It’s okay. Let’s just rip the bandaid off.
Me: How did you know you were miscarrying?
A: Well, I spent the day with family. We were supposed to go to St. Augustine to see the Christmas Lights. But I was annoyed because despite St. Augustine being only a couple hours away, family kept making pitstop after pitstop after pitstop. We left at around 11 and got there at 4:30. We were in the car longer than we were actually at St. Augustine. So between my family constantly lollygagging and my grandmother body shaming me, I was in a pretty rotten mood. And then while I was sitting in the car, I felt myself starting to cramp. And my heart dropped because the cramps weren’t letting up. I kept quiet because my family still didn’t know I was pregnant. But I was just hoping and hoping that I wasn’t losing it. I got home at around 10 pm and I instantly went to the bathroom and saw that my panties were covered in blood.
I knew right then and there that I was miscarrying, because I miscarried before. I told my friend, who is a mother, and she told me not to worry because pregnant people bleed sometimes. I called my doctor the next morning and she was able to squeeze me in. I was actually supposed to be going to her that Monday to find out the sex. When I arrived, she did the ultrasound and she confirmed that my uterus was empty. Sometime during the night. I expelled the fetus and flushed it without even knowing. I was no longer pregnant. I lost it.
A: It is what it is. I deactivated my Instagram for a couple weeks because my algorithm kept showing me pregnancy and expectant mother videos. And when I came back, I wrote a letter to what was supposed to be my baby, and I moved on. I didn’t think that when you posted my letter, so many trolls would start flooding to the comments.
Link for part 1
Part 1
TW: In this interview, A discusses being in an abusive relationship, being raped, getting assaulted outside of Plan
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