So obviously a lot of today’s conversations revolve around the topic of toxic people and how to deal with them. When expressing how hurt she feels by her long time friend, Millenial Amanda will likely find comfort in the words, “Honestly Amanda, sounds like she is just a really toxic person, and cutting her out of your life would be a totally valid thing. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship that brings you down, in fact, it’s super healthy to cut ties and surround yourself with only those who support and love you.”
And as nice as this sounds, I struggle to figure out where we are supposed to draw the line. Because unfortunately, I have seen this mindset evolve into is one that immediately rejects any and all forms of constructive criticism, and leaves the individual imprisoned within an echo-chamber. I have also seen this mindset crucify genuine friendships over one or two disagreements or some hurt feelings.
I think another issue is produced by the terminology itself. To call someone toxic is funneling everything they are as a human, all their passions and thoughts and scars and humanness, into a tiny capsule and labeling it “poison". That’s it, yep, that’s all they are: human poison. And that is a kind of wild prognosis because though some people really suck, if we’re honest we ALL suck, and have very pronounced seasons of suckiness. And if we all were desert the people in our lives who suck in some way, we would ditch everyone. This is another reality I have seen come out of this relational value system... All of your friendships and relationships come to a dramatic end eventually, you have zero longterm connections, because there is this single, decisive common denominator. The common denominator is, of course, you and your need to cut out “toxic”, unsupportive people.
The only line I have come to draw so far, or the only guidepost I have found that seems helpful, has to do with analyzing our own track record. Do we seem to consistently find ourselves needing to end toxic relationships? Can we look back on the last 10 years of our life and see several supernova-like friendships, that burned real bright and hot for a while, just to suddenly evaporate into thin air? I think, if we have a track record of ending friendships, we should consider making some changes. Either you need to chill out and recognize people for the imperfect beings they are, or you need to start finding better friends. But, if you’ve only felt compelled to severe one or two ties in your lifetime, I think you are one of the few people who can honestly embrace the comforting advice of paragraph 1.
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