The RPm Journal

Experiences of a Filipino queer RPm.

[psycholojosh]

Ask Me About Psych?

Hey everyone!

I felt a bit inspired from the last few Asks that I got from anonymous people and also those who disclosed their usernames. I was wondering if anyone would be interested that I keep answering questions that are related to psychology and mental health. Of course, this is all just for educational and informational purposes -- and not therapy or the sort. I can make this into a weekly thing (so that it would help me keep this blog alive and kicking lol).

What stuff would you want me to talk about on my articles, Asks, and posts? 🤔

Drop it in my Ask and I'll respond to one each week!

Cheers! 🥂

[psycholojosh]

Life Lately

I haven't really written in many months, but it's for the best. Happily, I've been writing my master's thesis proposal instead. I was supposed to defend the title this July, but I didn't make it to my targeted submission to the ethics review board. Luckily, the final date for my title defense is on August 25th -- so I got time to prepare.

This isn't really my first time with writing a research proposal. College has made me very much of a psychology nerd for that. But writing this proposal took many months of reading, thinking, writing, and thinking again. I also had to switch advisers midway since my first one needed to take a maternity leave, but graciously recommended my current adviser to take over, opining that we're a great fit. And she was right, of course -- Doc Bobby helped me so much, even if I'm a chaotic thinker.

As much as I can, I want to take this opportunity as a springboard for starting my clinical psychology career. I thought of wanting to work with PLHIV communities, given how life's been like for them here in the Philippines. When I'm ready to, I'll talk about my journey starting and, hopefully soon, ending my thesis. For now, know that this represents a personal ikigai of sorts.

But writing my research proposal tested the perfectionist in me and I'm truly glad that it did. Therapy helped me see how sometimes I strive for something a little too far from what's realistic, so when I submitted my requirements for the review and eventual proposal defense invitations, I felt relieved for a while. After a week of my submission, I started feeling nervous. I started doubting my intellect and skill in research. And I also felt insecure about having written it for a very long time.

Working in isolation is nothing new for a clinical psychology student, but this hits different because the stakes are, well, my future. I don't aspire to make a grand study of anything. I just want to complete my degree. In times like this, I'm reminded of when my practicum professor, the renowned Dr. Bolet Bautista, told me that the trek to becoming and being a psychologist is far and heavy, but nonetheless worthwhile. My thesis adviser also told me to curb my self-expectations and appreciate what I can craft as a psychologist. There's no perfect thesis after all.

I'm really proud of this research topic, but I'm open to learning from my adviser and panel on my next steps. And I feel excited about learning from the PLHIV most of all. I wonder how I'll also transform in this process but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

For now, I just want to enjoy the small milestones of my personal journey. My future will come as the present unfolds. 😊

[psycholojosh]

Progress update — I've been staying more consistent with my workout, diet, and routines lately, and I'm quite happy with the journey. Still, there's more work to do to achieve my fitness goal this year. 💪🏽

[kippahkaplan]

Wiccan: Witches’ Road (2025) issue #5 variant cover by Karen Darboe

[psycholojosh]

Be My Own Boyfriend — Olivia Dean (2021)

Since ending my relationship, I've been on a very difficult but meaningful journey to explore myself. I had a therapy session recently, and the conversation I had with my therapist made me cry.

I told my therapist that, even with all the mistakes, the bad experiences, and the grief, I didn't realize how lovely a person I am until I started taking care of myself more.

Valentine's is just about a week away. I'm not really new to the whole being-single-on-hearts-day, but I feel like the sentiment this year hits different. While a lot of people (single ones, anyway) are seeking the love and appreciation from another, I'm actually gonna be dating myself, so to speak. Whatever that looks like, I'm not sure yet. But I'm excited to find out. 😌🩷

[psycholojosh]

How can I tolerate uncertainty without clinging to people for relief?

By learning how to radically accept things as they are first. Take a step back, pay attention to what's going on in the present, and acknowledge that it is what it is without needing to judge it.

Part of our reality is that not everything is under our control, including the future which isn't always certain. And I firmly believe not everything has to be within our control because (a) we are all human, not some perfect omnipotent being, (b) it's extremely exhausting to control everything, (c) you could go crazy trying to, and (d) frankly, you won't even succeed at it (no one can).

Tolerating uncertainty means to accept human limits and the anxiety of what lies ahead of us. It also teaches us how we can live life more meaningfully and self-compassionately when we choose our battles (or, just experiences) and don't obsess over every detail. Otherwise, we'll just end up being stuck with the an overwhelming amount of anxiety and living life guided strongly by it.

You can start small first and try "experimenting on uncertainty." For example, try sending a text or email to a family or friend without proofreading it. Or try out a new activity you've never tried before. Or go on a date with yourself without planning ahead. See how it's like.

You might find that some of the best things life came without the guarantee or certainty. 😉

[psycholojosh]

I'm manifesting that in 2026, I'm gonna finish my MA degree and get my RPsy license. I'm gonna make it...

[psycholojosh]

Takes a lot of hard work to build the body I want. Still not yet there, but I'm happy with the pace. 💪🏽

[psycholojosh]

Last night's feast. 🍖🍹🥗

Merry Christmas, everyone.

[psycholojosh]

I swear this song is so good. 🥺

[psycholojosh]

Commute | Under the moonlight 🌕

[psycholojosh]

Reconnecting

Over the Undas break, I spent much of my time either resting or seeing friends I haven't seen in a while. I was and still am pressured to finish my thesis proposal manuscript (the last day to apply for a defense is on December 1st), so I did write as much as I could. But, I also needed to re-value rest. I didn't realize how drained I was until this wellness break at my workplace came along.

Earlier in the week, my mom asked me to accompany her to buy candies for kids who went trick or treating in our village. I felt lazy at first but her asking my brother to borrow his car convinced me. Coming into the candy store made me feel like a happy kid again. I couldn't help myself... I nabbed a few things for myself too. I had plans to meet with my friends later that day, so I got them some stuff too.

I had a spontaneous lunch with a dear friend of mine, Rence. Although we've reconnected (and reconciled) just a while ago, I really appreciate his continuous presence and friendship at this point in time. He's been bugging me to get some burgers with him from a joint near my house — and so we did. We talked about many things, but he shared something with me that really inspired me to keep going at it with my dreams (a.k.a. finishing my master's). We had a heartfelt conversation. And I captured the moment when I realized how funny the universe reminded me to cherish the path I'm in...

Later in the night, I grabbed a hearty dinner and cold beer with my MA buddies, Mikka and Magsi. We had Taiwanese dim sum, chicken chops, and noodles from a locally known restaurant from our village. We set out to Antipolo for the beer, stories, and the night view. Although we see each other more frequently, we've carried each other throughout our problems in and out of grad school. Tonight was about support. We reminded each other that we have each other's backs in life.

Tonight, I reflect on these moments with gratitude and a brewing excitement for the next few months. While working and doing thesis is draining, I realized how important reconnecting with friends are. They're my life witnesses. More so, they are my life companions. When I can't handle what life throws at me, I turn to them to regain my strength. And I'm really proud to stand by them when they need me too.

Cheers, friends. I love you all. 🍻🍔🍫💖

[psycholojosh]

Not all love is meant to last. But all love is meant to teach.

[perfectfeelings]

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.”

— Carl Jung

[psycholojosh]

When they say that hindsight is 20/20, it also goes with your own actions, thoughts, feelings, and character. Now, it's time to pay attention to it. Without judgment. Without fear. And with full honesty.

[remanence-of-love]

[psycholojosh]

Who Supports Me?

I've been tackling this very reflective question in the past few sessions of my own therapy. My therapist's been very keen on reminding me that I, too, need help from time to time.

For this entry, I don't want to write like an "expert" or "professional." I want to write like how my non-nerdy voice would sound to process things...

And as I write this, I'm at a very critical and harsh time in my life. There's just so much negativity, especially inside our family. Inside of me too, it seems. I've been combating a lot of depressiveness over my life situation, and it wakens my inner demons. I've also done things that I regret -- and wholeheartedly vow to never do again. But, I'm also at a point that every bone in my body screams for healing.

That's the sticky part. Healing. When you're very much worn down to the ground, is there anything left to make of you? For me, I can be the pessimist and say that even the scraps of me cannot be salvaged. But I'm also the optimist in saying that, as these scarps decay into the earth, it is given the opportunity to transform into something else. But the painstaking part of this process requires confronting my truth not just about who I am -- but what I'm living in.

The universe may have dealt me a losing hand, but that does not mean I cannot play it well.

But at the end of it all, the process of healing can sometimes feel lonely. While others can touch to soothe the aching pieces of me, no one can really remedy the emotional burden of building a life I believe is worth living. In truth, I support me. Me. Alone. And for now, it's enough... but admittedly, not for long.

This is why I really cherish my loved ones all the time -- even in my mind. I may not be rich enough to treat them to leisure and niceties. But, I can damn well be there for them when the roles reverse. I just want them to know that they matter to me, as much as I know that I matter to them. I'm just not effective in communicating it for now.

So who supports me? Me, and not just me. Them, and not just them. Who else?